Lisa was eliminated last week and here we go, back at the elimination table, with Ali dropping the knowledge about what horrors are in store for the remaining six contestants this week.
It’s not good news — two eliminations this week: red line eliminates the lowest percentage of weight loss person immediately at the weigh-in and the yellow line leaves two more people up for elimination after that.
Ugh. This show. Besides Ada I care not a whit about any of these people so I want to do this quickly — but I say that every time and then I don’t so let’s just pretend I do.
Frado comes in and thanks everyone for keeping him. Any other season probably would have voted him out — well yeah, and that’s why this season is so depressing and terrible. This leads to an extended sequence of the boring Bromance Trio, thanking themselves for how awesome they are. Brendan talks about how he’d have no problem sending anyone home, basically — but especially the people who aren’t in his bromance. He says they couldn’t have written it any bettah. They play the game bettah than anyone else. Chess. Etc.
Patrick gapes. He will bet his house that the winner of The Biggest Loser is sitting there because Patrick is an idiot who does not see Elizabeth chanting spells outside the window. For real.He is also unemployed, so if I were he I wouldn’t be betting anything just yet.
Next Ali shows up with someone who she says creepily “knows a lot about mastering multiple exercises.” It’s Nastia Liukin, American Olympic gymnastics gold medal winner. Nasty is there to help narrate the “pop challenge.” This challenge — a series of five common exercises — will net the winner 10 grand. That’s enough, Ali unfortunately says, to “buy a Subway sandwich a week for the next 40 years.” Nastia shills Subway super hard. Everyone should eat Subway food every day — screw fresh fruit besides apple slices in plastic bags, I guess. Ali announces that they’re all going to get Subway sandwiches after the challenge. WHOOOOOOOOOO. Thank God. What would they eat?
I find Ali particularly loathsome today.
They have to do something called a streetstrider, jump rope, running and a climbing thing called Jacob’s Ladder.
Patrick says it’s Thunderdome and separating the men from the boys. Clearly Patrick has never been to Thunderdome much less beyond it. I want Ada to kick the asses of everyone. Patrick is still talking — it’s balls to the wall as fast as you can go so you’re not the first person out.
Ada weighs a little less than I do and runs like a champ, which makes me feel like a jerk for being such a baby about running but running sucks ass. Brendan says more shitty things about women, and how they can’t row. Nastia Lukin looks miserable.
After Ada is out after the rowing it’s Brendan and Patrick on Jacob’s ladder, so two of the bromance boys have to go against each other.My guess is Brendan has no plan to share his winnings with his friends, so he needs to eliminate them sometime. Patrick hates Jacob’s ladder. I should do Jacob’s ladder. Torn, I want both of these people to lose. Patrick loses.
Ugh. Break. Elizabeth says don’t underestimate her, although she has accomplished very little so far. Bob wants them to pull out every single stop. He wants them visualizing the final four. This is like a drinking game, Bob says. Drink every time he says Brendan, he says, and “we’d be fucking drunk up in this house.”
Jillian has Elizabeth and Ada playing pattycake in hell, on their knees, lifting their arms up in half-pushups and slapping hands. If Bob told Patrick to climb up the roof of the gym and jump off to be above the yellow line he’d do it, which means that Patrick is willing to lose his house and die today, which is fairly extreme.
JENNIE O TURKEY SIGHTING! When that’s excitement, you know it’s a snoozer of a season.
They talk about what they’d do with the money in the kitchen. Brendan would love to start a foundation to take his students from inner-city Boston to Fitness Ridge.He cries. Mark wants to adventure travel with his dad, who had melanoma. Mark cries. Patrick has family stuff to do. Ada says money is secondary. She wants to develop a foundation too and help kids who had shitty lives in the Asian community. Elizabeth said nothing because Elizabeth has no ideas.
Frado meets with Doctor H, who is psyched that he came in here an out-of-control diabetic and now he is off all of his meds. Frado cries. He can go camping wiht his kids now. He’s happy. Dr. H. repeats everything he just said so we’ll be sure to comprehend the simple concepts. This is a doctor/slash/endocrinologist’s dream and he’s thrilled to be part of it.
It’s only 9:35. Seriously? This is painful.
Jill and Bob want to have a chat with everyone about how horrible it’s going to be at home because two people are leaving. Jill says the ranch is a fantasyland. Mark has no idea what he’s going to do. He worked in a bar at home. I didn’t picture Mark as a bartender. Mark is a bartender and Brendan is a wellness coordinator. It’s backwards land. What if mark turns to food when he gets home. It’s a huge fear, he says.
Ada talks about going back to her family who don’t care about her. If they think she should have been the one that died, how can she feel worthy? She cries.
This is The Biggest Loser, No More Tears tour.
Jill says it’s not her it’s them, people have their limitations, she needs to buck up. Ada’s still not getting it. She’s seeking approval and she’s going to set herself up for bad things when she gets home and that scares Jillian. Patrick babbles about fitting exercise into his schedule. He also needs to look for a job. Smart move.
Why is Elizabeth not sharing with the class? Or do i just zone out when she talks because it makes me want to scream?
Fade to the big challenge for the week. Ali is wearing a Bret Michael’s cowboy hat. This is the classic biggest loser challenge, she says, where they do a exercises they’ve become used to in the gym. The prize is a $25,000 home gym, which at that price is either a separate structure outside of the house or comes with a real live live-in trainer. Winner also gets a one-pound advantage.
Did I mention how bored I am? Did I tell you this yet? I just want this to be over, honestly. Make it be over.
Oh great. The challenge is a mile run and 500 step-ups with their old weight strapped to their body. Every hundred steps they get to shed some weight they lost each week. Ada and Brendan quickly take the lead, while Elizabeth goes on and on about how she almost died doing the 500 steps in Boston and I cannot believe I have to watch this again.
This house isn’t about winning, it’s about getting your life back, says Brendan, who usually talks about winning so that must just be true when he’s losing. The running and step-upping is accompanied by:
INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS
BREATHE JUST BREATHE TAKE THE WORLD OFF OUR SHOULDERS PUT IT ON ME
Ada finally appreciates her weight loss now because she feels the weight coming off. Brendan wins. They all raise a flag and hug!
Last chance workout, lambs to slaughter, Jillian says, etc. First, she wants to get in Patrick’s face, or, she “wanted to just wreck his ass,” to be precise. No thank you. Bob yells at Mark. Jillian yells at Frado. Jill and Ada fight. Ada’s trying to accept her situation, what is there to do? Back off, lady, basically. They have another painful conversation about Ada’s parents, who I imagine as fire-breathing hydras or an older Jon and Kate Gosselin, on their worst days. Ada has to feel like it’s good enough, Jill says. She is worried that when Ada gets home she’ll be constantly seeking validation and that might set her up for failure. She should know this isn’t an issue because Ada is going to be one of the Biggest Loser rock stars like Danny or Sam so she’s going to be just fine. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is crying about it being the last last chance workout with Bob, which I would too if I were her.
Ada goes from 185-179. Ada is awesome. She’s lost 79 pounds. Elizabeth loses four pounds, from 196-192, and whines that it’s not what she expected, especially the last week. She thought it would be more. This kind of underachievement is what is going to win her The Biggest Loser crown, mark my words (so depressing.) It’s mark’s dad’s 60th birthday. He wants to make him proud. He loses seven, going from 299-292, and I kind of know already that it’s doomsday for Mark. Patrick rocks it out, losing 12 and going from 291-279. He may be irritating but dude is getting it done.
Please let Elizabeth lose. Please let Elizabeth lose.
Frado loses a ridiculous 15 pounds, having left the ranch undetected for two days to go to a sweat lodge, apparently. He went from 263 to 248. He cries. They’ve changed him. He’s gonna be the person he was when he met his wife. Alis asks if he’s the man to beat and he says he is, while the camera pans to Patrick’s incredulous face because Patrick is just not comprehending that all three of the bromance boys can’t win and they are in fact his competition. I saw the lightbulb go on.
Bob kicked Brendan’s ass this week. He expects him to be over the yellow line.
Wrong. Brendan loses five pounds, going from 265-260. This is actually pretty shocking, which is to say this season that I mildly stirred in my seat when it happened. Brendan is under the red line and is homeward bound.
I predict recklessly that Mark will leave and Elizabeth will be in the final four.
Frado tells Brendan several awkward times that he loves him, he’s here for him the whole time, he needs something he calls him. Patrick says from the first week they have been close, you’ve put up a fight the whole way and you’ll be fine. Bob says he’s worked incredibly hard, he was the strongest person in this gym, he got such enjoyment out of seeing him push ahead. Jillian is disappointed for him because he’s an incredible athlete and worked so hard. He’s a badass and focused on what matters to him. He’s going to go after all of his dreams. Brendan is crying tears of joy, he says. He loves them all. He’s glad they’re the last five people. The silver lining is no matter what people thing about him he’s lost 102 ponds and changed so much, he wil never go back to the painful time of the past two years and that’s a promise.
Elizabeth worked hard this week, to be standing there its just upsetting her. She knows how hard decision is gonna be. Snore. Yawn. You’re totally in because they don’t think you’ll beat them. Mark said he feels confident the guys will keep him and I think he’s wrong. The misplaced man love baffles me because since when do dudes look out for each other in a competition when $250,000 is on the line?
Ada has to choose what’s right for her. She is closer to Elizabeth and also Mark is a big huge threat and Elizabeth can barely do the stepper still so she chose Mark. Patrick upset delusional Mark by voting for him also because duh, he’s big competition. Patrick says he thinks Mark would have done the same thing and Mark is all, “Nuh-uh” and maybe Mark is just that nice or that dumb when this much money is on the line and he works in a bar. Oh well. Mark is not the Biggest Loser and his little fridge light goes out.
We see Mark and Brendan’s homecoming parties. People are screaming their names in bars in Boston and wherever Mark lives. I forget. Mark hugs his dad who says he wouldn’t recognize him. I cry for the first time this episode. There is a drunk man in the front row of Mark’s crew.
In Boston, Brendan’s dad or another middle-aged man who looks just like Brendan is wearing a shirt that says “I’m not Bob.” Okay. Brendan tells his people that his ultimate prize is getting his life back. His mom cries. She is so excited. She hasn’t seen Brendan smile like that in years. Brendan is just pleased as punch because he was so miserable and now he isn’t. He is happy and will stay happy. We see Brendan on a date, for God’s sake, presumably not with the fiancee who dumped him. Then we see Brendan with his students. He tells them to look up to him, basically. The boys say that he looks good and they’re proud of him. He lost the weight that showed him he can do what he wants to do, says one student.
This is a positive outcome. Congratulations, Brendan. May you be as cool with them in person as you are on camera. I’m pulling for him, honestly.
Mark has gone from 421 to 248 pounds. He moved in with his cousin in Phoenix who was so awesome during makeover week and has lost 100 pounds on her own at home. We see Mark out hiking with Sunshine from Season Nine — oops, no, not dating. YET. They’re just chilling talking abot being at home and how hard it is but how he’s going to be fine. The second he was on that show, we’re family, Sunshine says. Mark cries again. He is not going back to where he was.
Last week I said that if Elizabeth was in the Final Four, I called shenanigans. AND SO I DO. See you next week when these last four people go home — I’m already nervous for Ada — and we’re about to wrap this baby up.