This season was an eternity. A hellish eternity of Maria Sharapova, dragon boats, Marine Corps boot camp and Nastia Liukin.
Last week was a painful Marathon, and now….Now. The finale. I weep as I type this. From joy.
And tonight The Biggest Loser (hereafter TBL in this post because I’m typing fast) finale is live, so the excitement can hit us like the one-two punch it will surely be. We’ll see if the producers rigged it America lost its collective mind and voted for Elizabeth over Ada or if justice was served, and I’m going to live blog this whole thing so when it’s over, it’s really and truly thank you Jesus OVER.
It’s 8:57 and Bob’s already updated his Facebook with this shot of Jillian and him backstage.
Grrr, baby. Very grrr.
Oh my God, it’s starting. I am so lethargic about this. Here we go.
9:00 p.m. The final four walk on stage as what looks like holograms of their larger selves. This makes me uncomfortable. Alison Sweeney pops up in a wine-colored sassy (as in knee-length) mother-of-the-bride dress. Why they put an attractive young woman in clothes that look like they came from the clearance rack at Kohl’s is beyond me.
These hologram contestants have shown us that TBL isn’t what you get out of it, it’s what you put into it, Ali says, speaking through lipstick that exactly matches her dress. She introduces the first of a kabillion MONTAGES! that we’ll see this episode. Cast members repeat their life stories. Cry. Are fat and then not as fat. They are running. Jumping. Bickering. Jillian is yelling. Bob is Bobbing. Repeat repeat repeat. Paying it forward comes at a high price, blahblahblah.
9:03 We technicolor back to the final four. Oh God, I could introduce the four of these people with this exact same information with no script. I am so tired of these people. I pray this is the last time I ever have to see Elizabeth pass out in the Boston try-outs. This is just unbearable. We revisit the final weigh-in and lead up to the results of the Ada-Elizabeth vote. I’m twitching mildly, in fear that Elizabeth enlisted the help of the Bristol Palin Teaparty nation to spend their idle time calling from every cell phone in sight to make sure she takes her totally undeserved spot in the final three.
I do like Elizabeth’s dress, though. I want to know where she got it so I can wear it on my birthday. I am not at all focused on this show. I’m not here for the right reasons!
9:05 TBL mega-scale is unveiled to “OOHS” and “AHHHS” not out of place on a 1970s game show. Ali Sweeney’s dress-matching lipstick is distracting me. Ada the TerminAda awkwardly punches through a paper cutout of herself and walks onstage, creepily next to a hologram of her fat self. She walks out with her Mii, essentially. Pan to her previously shitty, now cheering, parents in the audience. Ali immediately launches into questions about her family struggles, not awkward at all to respond to on live television in front of millions of people. Ada says the conversation with her family after the Marathon was the turning point. I remember her father saying “IT’S DADDY TALKING TIME NOW.” Mom smiles. I’m not sure anyone comprehends what’s going on. I think about ordering a pizza.
Ada thanks her mom, dad and brother for being patient and letting her say the things she needed to say.
Ugh, Elizabeth is next, plowing through her paper cutout. Yep, she still makes me grind my teeth. She’s been working out, clearly. I grudgingly give her props for that. I don’t see the boyfriend she was living with in the audience but he might be smoking in the lobby, who knows.
Elizabeth blabs about her journey, how she’s not Ada. She’s making it a lifestyle change, that’s important. Etc. Let’s find out who won, Ali Sweeney says. Let’s cut to the chase. Ali is out of breath, she is so excited. She holds the envelope in her hands. She will reveal the results right after the break.
9:13 Ada is the overwhelming winner. Duh. Thanks for playing, Elizabeth. Have a seat.
Ali brings Bob and Jillian on stage. Bob is in a tux. He is so excited. He is blathering all over himself with excitement to be there. Bob loves his job, he says. He loves helping everyone every year. It makes him so happy. Jillian says Ada’s reconciliation with her family was deep for her. It means any reunion is possible. TBL is about more than just weight loss, Ali Sweeney redundantly chirps. Jillian and Bob walk over and hug Elizabeth.
9:17 Next, we have the small group introductions of the not-Biggest Losers but losers nonetheless. Adam emerges first, looking like a New Kid on the Block. He is wearing terrible shoes. Next is Allie. I don’t remember her. Oh right, the gastric bypass girl whose mother wouldn’t help her. Tina from Boring, Oregon, who is still boring.
Ali talks about Mark’s mom, of course. He cries. Without her he wouldn’t have met these wonderful people. The perseveration over his mother is still weirding me out. Tina introduces her daughter from the audience. What, Allie is chopped liver? She gets sent home in the first quarter and she still can’t talk? I want to hear from her, not about Elizabeth’s daughter who wasn’t even a contestant.
Ali Sweeney segues into the first of endless promos for the new season, which is, what, three months away? No. Gah! Three weeks? Not possible. Seriously? That’s not even after the twelve days of Christmas. These people are high. Anyway, there will be two new trainers and we will meet them tonight, Ali Sweeney says. Next season includes a gold medal winning wrestler. There is some awkward footage of this cat and then, there’s a break. Have you been to Kay Jeweler’s yet? Does anyone actually really go to Kay Jeweler’s as a result of this constant bombardment? Didn’t think so.
9:24 We’re back. Some of the people who never made it through the first round are back in the audience. Shanna the cancer survivor with the whiny terrible voice lost 51 pounds. Montina the Beyonce backup singer (my personal favorite loser of them all this season) lost 64, Sandy who I don’t remember at all lost 50 and Corey who fell down went boom lost 84 pounds. They all look very excited to be there and will now fade into obscurity for real.
We’re going to weigh in the first small group now. It’s an Elizabeth MONTAGE! It’s, just…still horrible. She’s screaming and falling down and oh here she is on the scale. Elisabeth lost a grand total of 71 pounds, going from 244 to 173. Adam is up next. Another MONTAGE! with him crying for his mom. Adam seems genuinely cool and like a dude who needs to move on with this grief. Now he’s crying on the scale. Geez oh Pete I can’t stand it. Elizabeth pageant claps at him. He started at 402. He’s extremely excited for this moment. He’s proud to be a part of TBL family. He’s looking for more than 116 pounds. He totally lost that much, look at him. Dude weighs 220. He lost 182 pounds for a total percentage of weight loss of 45.27 percent.
Allie’s up next. We go back to Dr. H. explaining how the gastric bypass screwed her over when the fat grew back. I remember how pissed I was when Allie went home so early and punch the nearest wall. She started at 322 pounds. She is now 248, losing 74 pounds. Tina loses 72 pounds, from 263 to 191 . Thanks very much Tina, now get off the scale. It’s time for you to have a seat and cheer on your friends, Ali says. Thanks for playing, please go away and never come back.
Boston Brendan comes out dressed like…um…also a New Kid on the Block, or an extra from Newsies. Sophia from just up the road from me throws the goat on stage. Whoa. Lisa looks amazing. She says her kids still don’t recognize her. Brendan says he did things he maybe isn’t so proud of now but whatever man, he had to do him, essentially. Sophia throws the goat again. I wonder if this is a tic. It’s starting to become a thing.
There is a MONTAGE! now of the difficulties one of the contestants from the season I can’t believe starts in January had conceiving children because of her obesity. She is sitting with a woman who is wearing a matching blue shirt with an unfortunate ruffled collar.
9:40 I’m so bored, with an hour and 20 minutes to go. We watch Brendan’s MONTAGE! He cries on the scale after he sees himself on the video, crying with Bob. Brendan’s total loss is 117 pounds. Sophia rolls her eyes at Jillian on the MONTAGE! and Jill says she’ll ruin her life in this place, my second favorite quote behind something I don’t remember that Jillian said to Elizabeth, I think. Sophia is still throwing the goat and sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth. She lost 65 pounds, going from 272 to 207s. Yep, throws the horns again. It’s not a good look. She should stop that. Lisa, who really does look awesome, loses 97 pounds, from 288 to 191. Adam mumbles to Ali before Lisa weighs in that she looks beautiful. Adam wants to hit that. Adam needs to hit something, honestly.
Here we go, another small group. Anna in a dress that would not look out of place on a Pointer Sister, Jesse in a terrible bow tie, Burgandy with terrible hair. Ali makes Jesse talk about how he got sent home because of the bromance. Patrick’s his good friend, Jesse says. Everyone makes mistakes, he cracks. Jesse is going to be a chick magnet now, for sure. When he went home he was excited about his future. Ali asks Burgandy how she manages to find the time, that moms everywhere drinking wine out of sippy cups want to know. Burgandy says you make time, slacker moms of America. You say “I’m worth it.” You get up at 5 a.m. and do what you need to do. Stop making excuses and change your life!
Commercials. It’s only 9:52. How could it possibly only be 9:52?
Anna is back. She’s up for weigh-in. She won’t look at Jillian or she’ll cry. There’s some weird conversation and Jedi mind trick thing going on between Jillian and Anna. Anna lost 109 pounds, from 330 to 221. She minces over in her high heels to hug Jillian.
Jesse is up for weigh in. I love Jesse. When Jesse and Aaron left the show I didn’t give a crap about any of the people left except Ada. They show Bob and Jesse fighting in the gym, one of my favorite awkward argument scenes of the season. Now on stage, Bob makes strange fist-pumping motions at Jesse. He wasn’t going to take Jesse’s crap that day and now look at him. Adam motions to the crowd to raise the roof for Jesse. Jesse lost 166 pounds, going from 369 to 203. He needed to lose 167. Adam remains in the lead by one pound. One stinking pound. I wildly theorize that Adam’s mom dropped some angel dust on top of Jesse’s head. I bet that stuff is heavy. Burgandy’s next. I couldn’t have less interest in her results, so much so that I don’t even know what they are as I am refreshing my drink. Ali Sweeney doesn’t care either and hustles her off the stage before I can catch the numbers.
10:00 p.m.. Finally. Next up is Rick, Jessica and Aaron. Rick is in a tux too. He looks awesome. Jessica looks a lot like she looked the last time I saw her. Sorry, just true. Rick was in a tux the last time for his wedding, he says. Tux shopping this time around with his wife was super special. Ali asks Aaron questions about his baby son London who feels like he should be driving a car by now, we’ve been talking about him so long. No one can hear Aaron’s answers because his mic fails. Poor dude. He got shafted the whole time, honestly.
Ali introduces the new season and footage of a frighteningly large contestant who picks up his stomach and wiggles it at the camera and therefore at me. Good Lord. I hope this guy is okay.
Rick went from 350 to 185, losing 165 pounds. Rick is now in the lead. Not bad for an old man, he chortles. Jessica’s next, and I miss her weight too because I’m plowing through my sushi. My blood sugar is low. Bob wouldn’t want that. Clearly I can’t look away because they are blazing through the non-contenders and also because we spent eight years talking to Elizabeth in the beginning about her endless impossible journey. Aaron is next. Aaron lost 172 pounds, going from 468-296. May he be around for decades to spend wonderful times with London. Mazel tov. I mean it.
Did Rick know he was going to be standing there with her, Ali says? He thought he had a shot. But then there’s Mark, who gets to come out by himself. Mark looks awesome in a suit. He also looks like he hasn’t eaten in weeks. Mark starts crying, talking about his famly and TBL alumni network that has helped him so much. He hangs with them in Phoenix where he lives with his cousin who has also lost a bunch of weight. After the break we’ll find out just how much Mark beat Rick by, because honestly? Mark is SLENDER.
10:17 p.m. We’re back from the break to weigh in Mark. He started at 421 pounds. I assume Mark will win because they gave him his own feature all by himself. Weird. He needs to have lost more than 198 pounds. He totally has, I’m saying to my tv screen. Look at him. He’s gaunt. And yep, Mark lost 213. He’s the at-home winner, which means he takes home whatever’s left from $100,000 after taxes. Dude needs the money because he was a bartender. Rick’s okay. I’m still happy for Rick he came in second. Jillian says “REALLY? REALLY MARK?” Jillian digs gaunt.
10:20 p.m. Recap of the Pound For Pound Challenge, inexplicably featuring interviews with the not-chubby Nick Jonas and Scott Hamilton. Pledge and help feed America.
There’s another sneak peek at a contestant for next season. She had to lose weight to be qualified to be on the show, Ali says, as her eyes bug out of her wine-colored head. Courtney weighed 435 pounds at one point. Jillian is shown in the breakaway having an episode over this girl and how large she is.
10:25 p.m. Here we go with the finalists. Ada is on stage. She’s excited to see the guys. And she doesn’t have long to wait, because here comes Frado and his hologram. Frado sucks up this attention like a super-powered Dyson. Patrick busts through his paper door and throws punches at hologram Patrick’s head, which is really awkward. Patrick got a new job, he says, helping out at a high school in South Carolina especially for overweight teens. We talk to these people for awhile about stuff we mostly already know and Patrick’s new job and then it’s time for Kay commercials. I would actually appreciate a JennieO shill right now, just to break up the jewelry action.
10:34 p.m. Back to the stage, and a horrible backlit scene of the two new mystery trainers, one a woman who is beating the crap out of a boxing bag and another dude doing martial arts. Please let me not watch this season. Ali Sweeney intones things that I can’t process about these new trainers.
Frado MONTAGE! So bored. SO VERY OVER the repeats of these stories.
Frado’s on the scale. He starts at 367 pounds. There is yelling from someone somewhere, probably Brendan. Frado lost 162 pounds total. He is 205.
Oh crap. Another commercial. There are 21 minutes left. An eternity. Whywhywhy.
10:43 p.m. We’re back. MONTAGE! of the new seasons. New trainers backlit and blurred out again so you can’t see who they are. This is also wall-punchingly annoying, Biggest Loser producers. There’s — wait for it — a twist. The contestants can train with Bob and Jillian on the ranch or with these new jokers in a secret location. There are more women in bad ruffled matching shirts. Twin brothers with a tragic story. The Olympic wrestler, who weighs 839 with his brother. The 500 pound man falls of a treadmill. The people next season seem enormouser than usual, but maybe that’s because the promos are making them seem more like side show acts than usual. Awkward
Frado says these poor souls will look as great in a year as these people standing on the stage. It’s Ada’s turn to weigh in. MONTAGE! Family reconciliation. Marathon finishing. Ada Terminada. Ada needs to have lost more than 113 pounds. I’m super nervous for her. She doesn’t make it, losing 99 total and going from 258 to 159.
Now we wrap it up with Patrick, who was pitched as the overall winner weeks ago so I shouldn’t be surprised. His beautiful wife Bradley and two boys Colton and Caden, blablahblah. This is the last time I’ll ever hear it again. I am so excited, although I like Bradley. I would bring spinach dip to her Longaberger basket party. I am just so ready never to hear the life stories of these people blurted out again.
Patrick weighed 400 pounds at the start. He wants to win the show. He’s been unemployed since January. Thank God he lost that reddish spiky hair from the end of the MONTAGE! Patrick’s back on the scale. He’s made the lifestyle change. He’s not going back. Ali says that after a season of blood, sweat, tears, yelling, victory and struggles (seriously?) we are going to find out who is going to win.
After the break. Damn. I am going to expire in this chair
10:55 p.m. Patrick wants to win. He owes everyone money. Can’t imagine a high school for overweight teenagers pays a ton of money, but maybe I’m wrong. They revisit the bromance one last time. Frado says Patrick’s his brother and his friend, “RIGHT BRENDAN?” Unnecessary. AND…Patrick wins, handily beating Frado, losing 181 pounds and going from 400 to 219 pounds.
Confetti everywhere. Patrick’s family cries and screams and hugs in the audience. I’m glad for Bradley and Patrick’s mother. Bradley is the coolest.
Good for Patrick. And Colton. And Caden. And Frado. And Ada. And a partridge in a pear tree. I’m off for a snack of Jennie O turkey before I hop in my car and go to Kay Jewelers, with a stop off at Target to pick up a Bob Harper power yoga Wii game. You win, The Biggest Loser, Season From Hell! May you not ensnare me in 2011.
Right.
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