I know that I just wrote about/made fun of her a few weeks ago, but I swear to you that I am not picking on Sandra Lee. I just had to tell you about this because it’s too funny.
In the same episode in which Ms. Lee made her Hanukkah cake, she also made a Kwanzaa cake.
It just cascades into absurdity. The frosting. The apple pie filling. The “acorns” (those are Corn Nuts, by the way). The huge, tapered candles shoved into that poor, unsuspecting angel food cake, which is probably wondering what it did wrong and how the hell it’s supposed to support all of that…stuff.
As much as I would like to believe that Ms. Lee dreamed this creation up on her own, she actually commissioned someone to create the recipe for her. That person, Denise Vivaldo, couldn’t live with the shame any longer and posted her manifesto on Huffington Post the other day. She describes in amusing detail her experiences working with Ms. Lee, who at the time was only starting her rise to fame on the back of a can of frosting and bottle of Alize.
I’m not sure if it was because my head was spinning 360 degrees and my retinas had become burned by some horrible smoke that seemed to fill the room whenever she moved, but I wasn’t grasping the concept. “No fresh food. Just canned food. Nothing fresh, do you understand me? All food out of cans or boxes, so it’s easy for the homemaker …and write the brand name of the cans or boxes right in the recipe.” … I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn’t. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She’s not a good role model for abstinence.
Oh, Denise. You may have sold your soul to the blonde devil but you gave the world (or the internet, at least) countless hours of entertainment. Since you seem to be ready for a break from that whole industry, maybe we could toss some ideas your way for some the less celebrated holidays.
Arbor Day Cake: Angel food cake frosted with the cream center of Oreos and decorated with spinach. Sour gummi worms in the center and a bonsai tree on top.
Great American Smokeout Cake: Angel food cake drizzled with molasses to represent tar. Fiber One cereal in the center to represent tobacco. Candy cigarettes on top.
Come on, help me out here guys. What are some other cakes that we can propose?
About kdiddy
