As I looked at the front page of www.IMDB.com today, I was subjected to this tasty bit of trivia about the M. Night Shyama-ramalama debacle “The Last Airbender.” Your jaw will drop, and your panties shall be soiled. Here we go, hold onto your britches, bitches:
“The first draft of the script included all 22 episodes from the first season [of the TV show], which added up to a running time of over seven hours.”
The Last Airbender was intended to be a seven hour movie. SEVEN HOURS. Seven. That’s one more than six. Seven hours is one hour LONGER than it takes to fly from LA to New York. Seven hours is how long it takes to drive from San Francisco to Disneyland. Seven hours is how long a toddler will scream and writhe on the floor because you won’t let him stand on the back of the couch with a pen-knife. Christ, seven hours is longer than many childbirth experiences (I know a woman who popped out her rug rat ten minutes after her first contraction. That is even shorter than a Wallace and Grommit film, but I digress).
No movie needs to be seven hours long. Even The Empire Strikes Back would get old after four-and-a-half. Citizen Kane was only 119 minutes, and that includes the credits. Only 119 minutes from sledding in a snowglobe to world domination to sending ol’ Rosebud to the great toboggan-run in the sky. I have to be fair – the first draft of Citizen Kane was also longer than the final product. It was slated to run a full 124 minutes, but they decided to take out the scene where Kane, age 50, digs out ol’ Rosebud for one last day of fun in the snow.
Picture, if you will, the montage that never was: Kane on Rosebud, flying through a flurry of snow. Cut to shot of Kane sipping hot cocoa in the lodge, arm around Rosebud, who is wearing warm slippers and a fluffy scarf. Cut to shot of Kane and Rosebud in a steaming bath, Kane gently and tenderly washing Rosebud’s back, champagne bottle upside down in bucket of ice. Cut to overhead shot of Kane and Rosebud in bed, smoking, looking very satisfied. Cut to shot of fighting, filmed in low light, curtains billowing in the background. Cut so shot of Rosebud crying while Kane storms out of the room. Cut to shot of Rosebud being crated up and sent back to storage.
This deleted scene is one of the great moments in directorial restraint. Thanks, Orson.
Now, I have to offer full disclosure: I didn’t actually see The Last Airbender. Once, whilst sitting on my couch, I made it through the entire advertisement, but I spent that minute wondering why I wasn’t doing something else better with my time, like washing my eyes out with acid.
What would I rather do for seven hours than watch The Last Airbender? I’ll make a list:
1. Anything.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for giving us whoever it was that put the brakes on that fiasco. Now that guy needs to go work for George Lucas.
