Okay, it’s two weeks to the big night and thus far we’ve named the top five should-be Christmas classics and five people who pwned playing Santa. We’re totally up in Christmas filmography’s grill.
The time has come to put away the Barbie’s A Christmas Carol DVD and break out the real holiday entertainment. I giveth thee a guide. A roadmap of holiday naughtiness, if you will. Spanning PG-13 and R ratings, these are the real holiday films our children partake in. Or not.
Personally, I plan to rarely, if ever subject, my kid to Ben Affleck. But if you’re not down with that and you can get past the mile-high forehead and dripping arrogance, then your kids have Charlize Theron’s smoking-hot bod as a reward. And Gary Sinise doing what Gary Sinise does best – being a greasy creep. Scariness: do prison riots, general violence and guns worry your kids? Nakkidness: Yes. Swears: Lots. I said Gary Sinise. Learning opportunity: Stealing is wrong, as is taking on the identity of your prison cell mate after he’s killed in a riot, just to get laid by a hot blond.
Who didn’t watch this as a kid? We’ve got a modern business man, haunted by the ghosts of Christmas, just like in the classic A Christmas Carol. Except that in this one, Christmas future really does reek of death, a Christmas Past kicks the shit out of our protagonist and Christmas Present is lung cancer waiting to happen. A little dark and a lot comedic, it thankfully ends tidily when he gets the girl, and the speechless boy utters a blessing while blue collar workers sing ‘Put a Little Love in Your Heart’. Scariness: ghouls, dipping ratings, Santa with automatic weapons. Swears: the usual your kids have probably heard on the radio. Nudity: euphemistic, but still requiring explanation to the inquisitive shortlings. Learning opportunity: Charity isn’t for punks; everyone deserves a second chance.
First off, it’s got Ice-T in it. And Ice-T is a kidnapper. Of a drug dealer. And he’s using Christmas as the deadline for ransom payment by said drug dealer’s trophy wife, otherwise said drug dealer may sleep with the seafood. Everything that could possibly make it inappropriate for children can be summed up as follows: it’s got Ice-T in it. Lesson: drugs are bad, m’kay?
The Nightmare Before Christmas
This is my four year-old’s favourite movie, once you pry the Backyardigan’s out of her hands. It’s dark, for sure, especially given its main characters and deathliness, but it’s hardly realistically-portrayed. Scariness: creepy crawlies, cartooned murder victims and the kidnapping of Santa Clause. Nudity: None. Swears: a couple of blasphemies. Learning opportunity: you can’t clone what you don’t understand; Christmas is about a feeling, not role-play; dead people have feelings, too.
I was four when I saw this movie. I has reoccurring nightmares for two years, refused to eat when it was dark, and developed a fear of water and blenders. I still can’t watch it and I’m an avid slasher/horror fan, so you’re on your own. Violence/Scariness: shudder. Swears: too busy shivering with fear to notice. Sex: I think the incidental characters – who are WHOLLY TO BLAME for this terrifying journey – kiss or something. Lesson: no good can come from carbs late at night; listen to directions carefully. Even if your mogwai seem hungry.
Edward is an orphan after his creator bites it. Suzy homemaker finds him, unofficially adopts him and tries to assimilate him into suburbia. He gives hair cuts. He’s got scissors for hands. Hijinxs and death ensue. The end. Ish. Scariness: He’s got scissors for hands and he doesn’t know how to use them all the time. Murder. Nudity: unfortunately, none. Swears: maybe some heretic-type shit. Learning opportunity: differences should be embraced, for it is when we fear them that violence erupts.
Die Hard(s)
Bruce Willis must save the hostages from a dozen terrorists in L.A.! At Christmas! In the snow! Scariness: are you kidding me? They spent the entire movie budget on pyrotechnics and weaponry. Also? ‘Terrorists’ might be a little too modern-day-possible for the literal-type of kidlets. Nudity: boobs, briefly. Swears: between the f-bomb and others, we’ll call it around a hundred. Learning opportunity: even one person can make a difference.
A serial killer is created when a little boy is mocked by his mother, sees her kill his father, gets locked away for his childhood in the attic and then is sexually assaulted by his mom. No surprise, after he breaks out of the attic and kills his mom and step-dad and maims his sister, he’s locked up. But! He escapes the looney bin! And goes home for Christmas! Which is now a sorority house. Just, why? Scariness: it’s a modern slasher flick, what do you think? Nudity: it takes place in a sorority house, which is really not a convent. Swears: girls are bitches and everyone else is a motherfucker. Learning opportunity: child abuse is wrong. So very very wrong.
Dennis Leary is a robber, who stumbles into a home the defines the term ‘marital dysfunction’. Scariness: shooting and gun wielding and tussles ensue. Nudity: none, but a hell of a lot of sexy talk/innuendo. Swears: IMDB says, “Profanity is strong throughout. ‘Nuff said. Learning opportunity: people can come together, when faced with adversity. Even completely hate-filled spouses.
Home Alone(s)
Kevin gets left home when his family goes on Christmas vacay. He takes care of business, even when two completely thought-challenged burglars try to break into the house, over and over. Scariness: there’s a terrifying spider, thieves, a scary old man in the ‘hood, and Macaulay Culkin. For kids, the concept of being forgotten by their family would probably be freaky. Nudity: nuhuh. But a little innuendo and a naughty mag. Swears: ass and shit. Barely noticeable. Learning opportunity: kids can kick butt and ensure proper oral hygiene is observed; don’t judge the scary old man by his cover.
There’s a Billy-Bob boycott in my house, but I’m not here to talk about that. Basically, he and a colleague band their con-man skills together to rob department stores, with BBT dressed as Santa. Unfortunately, the jig is up when the ruse is discovered and his partner develops a heart. Scariness: gun toting and a shooting vic, CHRISTMAS BEING STOLEN, alcoholism and stonerism. Nudity: Peelers and BBT’s delightful sexy-talk about tits, lotso teh sexy talk. Swears: 159 uses of the f-bomb, alone. Learning opportunity: even someone as depraved as BBT can learn, eventually, the spirit of xmas.
Ravers, drugs, dealers and coppers. Also, closeted homosexuals. Scariness: gun shot off-screen, chick hit by a car, drugs and thievery. Nakkidness: shirts must come off, a make-out session between the bored captive and kidnapper, a threesome, bare assedness. Swears: yup. And sexy talk, too. Learning opportunity: even the scary drug dealer has a heart; being closeted can hurt feelings; drugs are bad, m’kay?
Sandler brings the crude funny in this musical about a Jew down on his luck and holiday spirit. In fact, he’s a freaking asshat, wrapped in jerk, smothered in law-breaking alcoholism. Scariness: the way Davey’s parents bite it, Whitey’s back and a fun-filled portapotty scene. Teh sex: Davey makes sweet love to his car; talk of morning wood and sex-line calls. Swears: pretty minor uses of blasphemy, ass and ‘oh, shit’. Learning opportunity: people are always willing to help; all you need is Love.
Hey, you know what I’m missing? Lethal Weapon(s). Between you and me? I’m just gonna recco that you don’t ever, ever subject your children to Mel Gibson. Ever.
What xmas movies do you think kids should watch, ratings be damned?
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