Bill is at work trying to get a hold of various senators or other important people who could be in a position to un-screw him from the polygamy as a felony bill. Barn lurks in the doorway, smirking, and advises Bill to let it go since there’s nothing he can do until after New Year’s. Noting the decorations in Bill’s office, Barn snots, “So your people do celebrate Christmas?” Bill explains that it’s the compound folks who don’t but that he’s trying to clean them up. Barn’s wife is in the hospital, so that’s why he’s working. He tells Bill to have a restful holiday, since he’ll need it come January.
At the compound, Alby is examining a scratch that one of the kids got from a puppy and is furious with Lura for “neglecting her children.” He accuses of her of having an unfocused mind and a heart full of distraction. “I’m bloody well trying!” blurts Lura. All of the wives stop in shock, wondering a) what has gotten into Lura and b) when she became British. Alby snarls that he has a good mind to reassign her children to a sister wife until she gets herself right. Lura whimpers that she strives but is lost and Alby snaps that if she fails to please him, her future is not bright. Alright, dude, we get it. Not sounding pathetic enough, Lura mews that she waits for him every night. Alby responds by snatching a puppy out of one of his daughter’s arms, handing it to a wife, and instructing her to round up all of the dogs and poison them. Oh my god, I hope Alby dies so hard right now.
Margene is unloading an obscene number of cases of Goji Blast into the garage. Bill comes to help her and he asks how she’s been feeling. She admits to not yet being 100%. Bill points out that yesterday was the shortest, darkest day of the year and they’re now returning to the light. “This will be the best Christmas ever,” he says, thereby guaranteeing that it will suck more than he could possibly imagine. By the way, Bill needs Margene’s driver’s license for a surprise. They kiss and then seal off the garage so that they can do, Goji Blast-style.
Nicki is on the phone with Adaleen, gushing about the storybook Christmas they’re planning. She invites Adaleen over but she can’t come because of all of her meetings with caseworkers. “I’m officially indigent!” she proclaims and Nicki responds that she’s so glad that that’s working out. Yeah, I guess that’s…good. Adaleen rattles off the list of government benefits she’s in line to get and how she’s looking forward to the new year and bringing another righteous warrior into the world. Woohoo, welfare and genetically fucked up fetuses! Party and bullshit!
Barb is chopping up meat and fat for the plum pudding, which sounds totally gross. Lois babbles about suet before wandering off to watch TV and Barb tells Bill that she’s a little worried about her. She’s made an appointment to get her head checked and wants Bill to take her. Ben walks in and Barb immediately starts in on him about his plans to enter the military. There are a few minutes of chaos as Lois sings along loudly to the TV and Barb realizes that the meat is rancid. The doorbell rings and Ben finds Heather at the door. BYU has been good to her, she’s got a spiffy new hairdo and looks to have lost some weight. Ben seems quite taken with her and invites her to go ice skating with them later.
Margene is pitching Goji Blast sales to Pam. The idea is to recruit more and more people to sell the stuff. To help illustrate how this works, the Goji Blast people sent a pyramid-shaped visual aid. See, at the top is some rich dude and at the bottom are some broke suckers with a hundred cases of disgusting juice. Pam’s kind of excited but things are tough right now because her husband, Carl, has been out of work for months and unemployment is running out. Carl pops his head in and his face falls when he sees the Goji Blast cases. After he leaves, Pam says that it’s shaping up to be a rough Christmas, since they’re both depressed and having a lot of problems in the fireworks department. Oh, mental image of Carl and Pam having depressed fireworks. Not cool. Margene assures her that the holidays are hard in general and adds that she doesn’t know how Pam does it when there’s just two people in a marriage. Pam suddenly sees the benefits of polygamy.
Cara Lynn ducks out of her tutoring session early by telling her teacher that her stomach hurts. Before letting her go, her tutor gives her a present: a book by Barbara McClintock, who studied genetics and how they are associated with who we are, but don’t dictate who we become. Cara Lynn may or may not realize that he’s telling her that just because her parents are kind of…out there, she doesn’t have to be. Gary is waiting outside for her. She asks him if he wants to go downtown and Gary replies with some variation of, “Okey Dokey Smokey Chokey Artichokey.” I have a feeling that premarital sex won’t really be an issue for these two. As they skip out, the tutor spots them.
As they bless the family dinner, Bill and Ben give a special shout-out to the womenfolk and all that they do and how they’re very special and entitled to the guidance of the priesthood. Wow, thanks. Barb notes to Cara Lynn and Nell that as women they were also gifted with free will, which makes everyone squirm. God, Barb, why don’t you just burn your bra? Later, at the ice rink, Nicki asks Barb what the deal was with that little outburst. Barb asks Nicki why Heavenly Father would give them strong minds if he didn’t intend for them to use them. “Honestly, Barb, any chance to stir the pot,” snits Nicki. Bill asks Margene for her license again but she sputters that she thinks she lost it. Ben and Heather are skating together, mostly talking about what Ben is doing with his life since he’s not heading out on a mission. They talk about Bill’s election and how it’s been tough, but, Ben adds, you can’t go through life pretending to be someone you aren’t. True that, Ben. Bill and Barb have some cocoa and he tells Barb that she had some great comments at dinner. She’s concerned but says that it’s not a problem, he just hopes that they’re not one-upping each other and wonders if Barb feels his guidance is lacking. Barb doesn’t have time to protest because it’s time for a couples skate. Barb is hesitant but Bill says it’s now or never. All of the spouses teeter out onto the ice, much to the shock of the other skaters, who take pictures or skate in the other direction hurriedly, lest they catch Teh Polygamy. “Chin up,” says Nicki.
Adaleen is getting her hormone shots ready when Alby comes to the door. He got a call verifying Adaleen’s address for WIC, the “infant” part being the detail that interests him. “You said this monstrosity was gone,” he snarls, sounding like a dude who spent the morning executing puppies. He reiterates that he is purifying the compound and Adaleen is impure, unworthy, unholy, and unclean to dwell among the righteous. “Pack your things and go!” he shouts. God, sibling rivalry in this family is INSANE. Another of Alby’s wives comes to the door and informs him that Lura’s split with her kids. “She’d never leave me. She’s confused,” Alby reassures himself.
Bill is at the doctor with Lois and the news is not good. She has a fair to moderate amount of dementia. The doctor shows Bill a picture that she drew of a clock and it’s all screwed up. The seven is somewhere in the middle. At Homes Plus, Bill breaks this news to Barb as they load up poinsettias to take to the casino. Barb is disturbed to learn that Bill hasn’t told Lois about her diagnosis, but Bill doesn’t want to ruin what could be her last Christmas. He can’t believe that there will come a day that she won’t know who he is. She’s always been so indestructible. “Let me help you,” says Barb. “I’m strong, let me shoulder some of the burden.” Bill appreciates this offer and tells her that he’s making some changes in church that she thinks she’ll like. Obviously, Barb thinks she’s going to be given some kind of priesthood role and obviously Barb needs to quit drinking so much because that will probably never happen. Besides, if she’s being priestly, who will make the plum pudding?
Adaleen has taken refuge at Nicki’s, who is reassuring her that Alby is a false prophet. Cara Lynn wanders in and asks Adaleen if she’s heard from JJ. Adaleen dodges the question. Margene asks Nicki if she or Adaleen can make her a new license. Bill needs hers and she doesn’t want to get a new one because she has a lot of unpaid parking tickets. Nicki refuses, saying they don’t need the scandal right now. Cara Lynn asks Ben if he’s heard anything about JJ and he hasn’t. She asks him to cover for her the next because she’s going to go find out where he is.
Bill and Barb stand in the casino, holding poinsettias, and staring slack-jawed in the direction of Barb’s ice cream bar, which is now the stage area for a couple of strippers. They must have gotten that idea from Miley Cyrus. The new manager hands them a check for a measly $1,700. Well, that was certainly a worthwhile endeavor.
At church, Bill welcomes some new faces and announces that he has some changes to make. Barb’s face lights up, but instead he calls Ben up to bless the bread. Doh.
Lura shows up at the Henricksons in the middle of the night, sending Nicki into a panic. Lura explains that Alby has killed all the dogs, threatened to reassign her children, and has just generally gone completely bathsit. Adaleen wonders if maybe she doesn’t kind of suck at this whole having children thing. Nicki seems to be the most sane of the bunch and that’s not really saying much. It’s not safe for anyone for them to be there, so Bill takes them to the shelter at the Catholic church. He explains to the nun that Lura and her children are in a lot of danger and she replies that she has more experience with abusive husbands than she would like and promises to give Lura special care. Bill glances over and sees Lura pulling off her false eyelashes.
Gary and Cara Lynn are driving along and Gary gives her a necklace, which she loves. He gets nervous when a police car passes them because he doesn’t have his license. Cara Lynn gives him a kiss and exclaims that they’re all going to Perdition anyway, so what the heck.
Despite knowing that Lois is going cuckoo, the Henricksons seem to have put her in charge of babysitting and has piled the kids in the car to go see Santa. She pulls up at a fast food drive thru and demands to see Santa. The restaurant staff are thoroughly confused and the kids finally seem alarmed.
The wives have found out what Bill got them for Christmas: handguns. Oh, Bill is such a romantic! The wives aren’t pleased and Margene in particular is panicked about what this means. They’re interrupted by a phone call. Wayne has gotten a hold of Lois’ cell phone and calls to tell them that they’re lost. Lois is still freaking out by the drive thru menu. Why haven’t they called the cops on her? Bill and Nicki go to collect the kids. Bill begs the officer not to report her. The officer recognizes Bill as “that polygamist senator,” but Bill explains that today he’s just a father and a son. Amazingly, the officer understands and lets them leave.
Cara Lynn and Gary find the charred remains of the clinic. Cara Lynn knows something is up since no one said anything to her about the fire.
Lura calls Alby from the shelter and apologizes for having to leave him. He tries to sweet talk her a little bit, noting that he can’t bear to think of her rejecting the righteous path to live among the filthy Gentiles. He promises that they can turn their marriage around with the help of Heavenly Father and, I imagine, some more puppy sacrifices and facial mutilation. Lura hangs up.
Bill takes the wives and kids to see Senator Barn, who is of course working. Bill says that he hopes his wife is feeling better (maybe he should a get a spare or two!) and the Henricksons break into “The First Noel.” Barn seems genuinely touched and perhaps starts to realize that Bill is actually kind of a good guy.
At dinner, Adaleen is grateful, Margene is quietly crying, Lois is talking gibberish, and Barb is drinking. Nicki wants to know why Heather is with them. Turns out her parents are in Mexico City picking up her new baby sister. Bill calls Margene over to him and she finally confesses that she has something to tell him. She found her license but didn’t want to give it to him because when they got married she was really 16. Does she also still have a bunch of unpaid parking tickets? I bet she does. She blathers that she didn’t realize at the time that it was a big deal, but then she did, but she didn’t want to hurt anyone because she loves all of them so much. Barb clarifies that the legal age of consent in Utah is 18. Not only is Bill technically a statutory rapist, he’s no better than the compound polygamists he wants to rid the faith of. “Congratulations, Margene,” snots Nicki. “You just ruined Christmas.”
Adaleen is upstairs looking at herself in the mirror when Cara Lynn appears behind her, demanding to know what happened to JJ. Adaleen maintains that she knows nothing, but Cara Lynn tells her that she’s been to the clinic. Flustered, Adaleen blurts that JJ burned down the clinic to hide the evidence of what he was doing, that he was experimenting with conception and with what he put inside her: a monster. “My father is dead, isn’t he?” sobs Cara Lynn, apparently having missed that whole “experimenting with conception” bit.
It’s Christmas morning and everyone looks kind of blah, like how you look when you realize that one of your wives is a tween and your grandmother killed your psychotic father and whatnot. They still go to the shelter to serve food to the folks staying there. At home, Adaleen tosses out her hormones.
At the shelter, Margene is trying to adopt the attitude of, “Does it REALLY matter that I was in diapers when I married Bill?” and the other spouses aren’t really trying to hear it. Nicki reminds Barb that she was against that marriage from the beginning, so she can spare the indignation. Margene approaches Bill and gushes that she’s so sorry for what she’s done, but all she wanted was to be a member of their family and couldn’t possibly wait an extra two years. Cara Lynn confronts Nicki and demands confirmation that JJ is dead. Nicki explains that she was trying to protect her, that JJ wasn’t a holy man, that he tried to play God with both of them. Cara Lynn sobs that he taught her how to ride a bike and read. I guess losing a father is painful, even if he tried to impregnate you with your uncle-cousin. I still don’t think that JJ is really dead.
Bill takes a moment to pray to try and understand why Heavenly Father is testing them so mercilessly. He’s interrupted by Alby dragging Lura and the kids out of the shelter. Is this the “special care” that the nun was talking about? That an abusive husband can just walk in and take his wife and kids? I think maybe they need to up their security measures. The spouses gather around them and Nicki hisses at Alby that he hated Roman but is becoming worse than he was. Alby says that he’s not leaving until Lura tells him that she wants to stay in hell. Finally, Lura says that she doesn’t want to go back with him. Alby turns his anger toward Bill and asks how dare he come between a priesthood holder and his wife and children. Finally FINALLY Bill decks Alby, sending him flying, saying that Alby’s not worthy of being a priesthood holder and that he takes out his own self-loathing on innocent women and children. “You disgust me,” spits Bill. Wow, Bill, way to grow a pair. Alby stomps out.
The spouse return home to find Barb sitting in the dark, eating a can of plum pudding and apparently drunk. They’re all crushed, because apparently after all the shit they went through today, this is the worst thing that they’ve faced. She rushes outside, babbling about how they’re all unholy. “No, that’s absolutely not true,” says Bill. You’re not unholy, Barb, you’re just drunk.
Alby is in his office, stewing, when Adaleen shows up. She tells him that she wasn’t pure but she is now. She calls Alby her darling boy and promises to never leave him. Oh dear.
The Henricksons’ entry in the block decoration contest is a nativity scene with Bill and Cara Lynn as Joseph and Mary and the wives as the Three Wise Men. Interesting choice. They’re certainly wiser than any of the men, I think.
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