Why do so many Food Network personalities make me want to chiffonade their tongues and truss their mouths shut? The over-the-top spunk and boundless cheer of so many Food Network stars is something of a mystery to me. While I fear I may just be a cantankerous misanthrope, I often watch these shows and wonder, “who likes these people?”
If I kept Screw/Marry/Kill lists of Food Network stars, the following would definitely end up on the lattermost.
1. Guy Fieri
Guy Fieri is like the Nascar of the Food Network. I loathe him, from his skater shoes to his frosted, spiky hair.
2. The Neelys
We get it. You’re very happy together. GET A ROOM.
3. Sunny Anderson (Cooking for Real)
I know her name is Sunny, but must she embody it so excessively? There’s also something insidiously plastic about it. I have the sneaking (and completely unfounded, unverifiable) suspicion she’s far from sunny in real life.
4. Giada de Laurentiis (Everyday Italian)
She frightens me. I’m pretty sure she can open her mouth and swallow people whole, python style.
5. Rachael Ray (30 Minute Meals/Week in a Day)
I actually waffled on Rachael, because I think her shows are helpful. Her food is healthy and flavorful, and both of her cooking shows—30-Minute Meals and Week in a Day—offer pro tips on making home-cooked meals a reality for working parents. Nevertheless, it sends a twitch up my spine every time she says “eeveeohoh” or “yummo.”
6. Sandra Lee (Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee)
Many of Food Network’s personalities aren’t really chefs so much as good cooks. Sandra Lee, however, can’t even stake that claim. If I wanted to watch an overly made-up woman dump cans of cream of mushroom soup into casserole dishes and call it cooking, all the while shrieking “COCKTAIL TIME,” and fashioning hideous “tablescapes,” I’d buy public access airtime for my aunt Cindy.TOP POSTS