Well, there’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it: they’re making a movie about the Ouija board. An actual feature-length film about an actual wooden board.
No word on whether Keanu Reeves will play the board.
Oddly enough, it seems this new trend of board game-inspired films is picking up steam, with the Ouija-themed movie being backed by Universal Studios and directed by McG. I assumed the writers would take the “teenagers messing around with a Ouija board open a portal to the demonic spirit world” route, but the plot has been described as a “four-quadrant supernatural adventure centering around a family, with influences from The Mummy and Indiana Jones.” I read that description five times and still have absolutely no idea what it means, so either it’s going to be brilliant, or it’s going to contain Arnold Vosloo and a scene where a dude gets his heart ripped out of his chest.
“I don’t care if the Ouija board said you’d marry Jason McFadden from homeroom, I was totes crushing on him FIIIIIIIIRST!”
There was also talk in 2009 about Candyland, Monopoly and (oh jeebus) freaking Stretch Armstrong being adapted for film. Battleship seems to be the only pitch with a definite release date, although the rest are all still listed as “in development” on IMDB, and as of early last year, everyone’s favorite werewolf Taylor Lautner became attached to the Stretch Armstrong project.
I think we can all agree that the words “Stretch Armstrong Project” should only ever be used as the name of a groovy 70s-era band.
We’re on an awfully slippery slope here with the movies based on board games. But a slippery slope to what, exactly? What could possibly be next, now that we’ve adapted every almost every damn thing that offers half a storyline? Well, I have a few ideas:
Morse Code: Ever wonder about the origins of Morse code? Or course not. But here’s a chance for Hollywood to embrace a gimmick, releasing a movie with all the dialogue translated into Morse code! Starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Samuel F.B. Morse, moviegoers will be engrossed by the troubled relationship of Morse and his first wife Lucretia, whom he accuses of dot-dot-dash, dash-dash, dot-dash-dotting his business colleague Charles Jackson.
Has 99 problems, but the dot-dash-dot-dash-dash-dot ain’t one.
The Microsoft Office Paperclip: Harmlessly annoying animation, or sinister voyeur? The Paperclip office assistant option is turned on…permanently.
“It looks like you’re writing a letter…and it looks like you can really fill out that sweater. What are you, a 36C? SPROINNNNG!“
Weezie Jefferson: If you’re gonna make a movie about Ouija, you might as well take the leap and make a movie about Weezie. Why the hell not? She even has her own Facebook page.
On second thought, forget about Weezie; I want a movie about that caftan. DAMN!
Mr. Six (a.k.a The Creepy Old Six Flags Guy): OK, fine. I only included this one because I’m terrified of him, and sometimes I feel like no one remembers him but me, and pretty soon enough time will pass that there won’t be any information about him anywhere, and then I’ll have to assume that he was just some horrible, high-energy, pseudo-elderly imagining of my brain and I…I don’t think I can handle that.
OH DEAR GOD.
I’m going to have to stop now, because as I’ve been coming up with what I’m presuming to be ridiculous ideas for movies, I’m starting to become genuinely concerned that they aren’t as far-fetched as I think. They are making a movie about a game that preschoolers play, my friends. Nothing is sacred. Or safe.
(Oh, man. There’s totally going to be a Mr. Six movie made in my lifetime, isn’t there?)
*shudder*
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