WARNING: This post contains a lot of pent up anger, which has resulted in gratuitous swearing. If for some reason you happen to read it outloud, deploying your child’s “earmuffs” is highly recommended.
I love cartoons. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I adore cartoons. Some of my favorite movies of the past couple of years have been cartoons, and I’m not ashamed in the least to admit it. And not just mature animation, either. I rather enjoy children’s programming, to a degree. I mean, I certainly wouldn’t sit down on my own in the evening and flip on Nick Jr. or anything, but there are a few cartoons I don’t half mind watching with my little ones. Backyardigans is half decent, Pocoyo is quite witty, and I could watch an episode or two of Johnny Test. I like being confident in what my kids watch, on the rare occasion that I can get them to sit still for more than thirty seconds in a row, that it’s going to be age-appropriate but also entertaining enough to keep both their and my attention.
THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT THESE SHOWS. I would rather tear my nosehairs out one by one than watch any of these cartoons. These are The Most Annoying Cartoons For Preschoolers On Television Today. And, because I have a sneaking suspicion that my children hate me, I’ve had to watch an obscene number of episodes of some of the most terrible television known to man.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. I think the reason why I don’t get it is because I’ve never watched it while high enough. Or high at all. Can anyone explain who thought kids would find this show even mildly entertaining? I mean, I’ve heard about kids who go to yoga, and perhaps some of them find it amusing, but all the kids I know are moderately repulsed that someone polluted their perfectly good tv with floating, blabbering yogis with giant animal heads. I think my kids just pretend to like it just to torture me. I have no idea what goes on during any of the episodes because I can’t understand a word any of those…creatures…say. SPEAK INTO MY GOOD EAR, YOU MUMBLING CREEPY FREAKS.
4. Max & Ruby
WHERE ARE THESE RABBITS’ PARENTS? Who left Ruby in charge all the time? This is clearly neglectful behavior and I don’t think having a Grandmother stop by every few days is good enough. Ruby is seven. I’m not sure which country they’re claiming their from (Wikipedia says Canada…*sigh*), but I doubt seven is legal babysitting age (in Canada it’s not clearly defined but, basically, 10 years old is the youngest age a child can be left alone), let alone legal full-time caregiver age.
Besides the lack of parent thing, Max is super naughty and Ruby never even raises her voice. When I was seven, I had a three-year-old sister (that’s how old Max is) and if she did anything bad, I jumped at the chance to lay the smack down. Lucky for her, we weren’t often left in a room alone and if we were, my mom had the foresight to throw us in with a pile of distracting Barbies.
As a Canadian, I think I owe y’all an apology. Caillou is unfortunately Canadian and someone up here unleashed him on the rest of the world and I’m so, SO sorry. The whole show hurts my eyes. It’s like reverse evolution where there is no longer secondary or tertiary colors, only primaries, and the effect gives me a headache. Plus, why is he so bald? He looks like he has a very unfunny medical condition because 4-year-olds shouldn’t be that bald. And oh my word, if my kids were that whiny, I would have pulled my own teeth out long before now. I wish his mom would a) change her clothes just once and b) discipline her children for having such annoying voices.
2. Toopy & Binoo
I’m going to give Binoo a pass on this one because, to be fair, he’s a stuffed animal and never says a word. Toopy, however, could not possibly be any more irritating. This kid (or giant mouse) is the most self-centered, conceited, egotistical bullshitter I’ve ever seen. Me, me, me, me, me. “Look at ME! I’m the BEST SHOE TIER-UPPER IN THE WORLD! I’m the GREATEST CEREAL EATER EVER! I’m the MOST BESTEST STUPID FUCKING RAT IN THE UNIVERSE!!!” Every. Single. Episode we have to listen to how great this guy thinks he is. Girl? I think it’s a guy, but he likes to wear girls clothes and call himself pretty, which is totally fine, just with a name like Toopy and the fact that he (she?) is a mouse and not a person, it’s not exactly clear cut what this thing is. All I know is that I want that thing off my television screen RIGHT BLOODY NOW.
1. Dora the Explorer
Have you watched this show? I mean, every person who has had a kid in the last 11 years has likely had Dora the Explorer playing in the background at least once or twice, but have you watched an episode yourself? Shit’s trippy, man. Boots stares at you with cold, dead monkey eyes. And Dora? With her ridiculously horizontal hair? Kid needs a stylist. And the two of them with the incessant yelling. YEAH, I HEAR YOU, DORA. I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE. And I’m serious when I say this: I swear the reason her head is so … football shaped is because she was dropped as an infant because homegirl can’t remember a THING. Dora, let me help – Map can help you when you don’t know which way to go, Backpack has whatever shit you need, and you need to be quicker telling Swiper to stop swiping because when you piss around waiting for my kids to tell you what to say, your shit’s going to get swiped.
These shows are torture to a variety of my senses. They make my eyes bleed and my ears beg for mercy. Yet, because I love my kids, I watch because they want me to. And it’s because of this that I am an expert on how truly terrible they really are.
What kids shows drive you insane? Which ones make you wish television had never been invented? Do your kids manipulate you with their cuteness into watching things that make you wish you were blind and deaf? Please, share your misery.