Do you hear that dry, whisking sound, like two corn husks being rustled against one another? That’s me, rubbing my winter-dehydrated hands together in glee: the Golden Globes are this Sunday, and it’s officially award show season.
I love award shows. Well, that isn’t entirely accurate: I love seeing what people wear to award shows. I enjoy the red carpet, though I lack the ability to sit still through the tedium of the show itself.
I thought, with the Golden Globes coming up, it would be instructive to look back over the past few years of GG red carpet coverage. I was shocked all over again at what terrible choices celebrities can make, even with access to millions of dollars and a cadre of stylists. The Golden Globes does not seem to bring out the Crazy in celebrity fashion choices the way that, say, the Oscars does, but there is still plenty of bad to go around, and though the perpetrators may change, the offenses remain remarkably consistent from year to year:
1. The Masquerading Itinerant
Every year, some male celebrity manages to give the impression that he is actually a street person who killed an attendee behind the theater and donned his tuxedo to escape detection. Sting, above in 2009, looks like he may be concealing a box cutter somewhere on his person. It frightens me.
For reasons that remain shrouded in a haze of mystery, the men in this category choose one of the most photographed appearances of their year to forego shampoo and/or razors. To show that they are above the image-focused Hollywood norm? To prepare for an upcoming role as a woodcutter who falls in love with a starlet and is forced to give up his beloved flannel and suspenders for a suit and tie?
(Jason Bateman in FOREST FOR THE TREES: “They were from different worlds, but she saw him for who he truly was. And he sawed his way into her heart.”)
(If you have a better explanation, I’m all ears.)
2. The Mother of the Bride
Just because you are a Woman of a Certain Age doesn’t mean you have to swath yourself in brocade/pastel organza/anything with a matching boxy silk shantung jacket. The idea that formalwear for middle-aged women should resemble high-end interior design (couches, pillow coverings, window treatments) has long overstayed its welcome.
3. The Scarlett O’Hara
Winners in this category are judged upon how closely their garment resembles a blanket/curtain/etc. in its NATURAL STATE. The more fabric the better!
4. The Bodice of Terror
I can barely stand to look at the offenders in this category, because they make me so anxious. One wrong move, one failure of garment tape, and HELLO, MAMMARIES!
These are women wearing dresses that would almost certainly not stand up to the standard both-arms-raised Award Acceptance Thank You, as demonstrated here by the thankfully more appropriately attired Kate Winslet.
I mean, thank heavens this was only Colin Ferrell’s girlfriend, because can you imagine?
5. The ‘I Forgot About My Head’
Dizzy with delight at having settled upon an outfit, these celebrities forget about their hair entirely or remember at the last moment and are forced to do it themselves, with disastrous results.
6. The ‘Defies Categorization’
Is it just me, or are those essentially HANDS playfully squeezing Ms. McCord’s breasts?
And what fresh hell is THIS?
Apparently her name is Eva La Rue, and if ever someone LOOKED like an Eva La Rue, well.
(Also, I’m pretty sure she bought that whole outfit at Contempo Casuals in 1993.)
7. The Overly Specific Character
Here, Patricia Arquette creates a subcategory of “Mother of the Bride”: Deranged Mother of the Bride.
There are other, similar characters in attendance—for instance Deranged Lady of the Evening/Madam of an Olde Tyme Brothel:
And don’t forget I Attempted to Teleport With a Friend and We Were Unfortunately Spliced Together:
Or Spectre From the Beyond/Ghost of Golden Globes Future:
Or the perennial favorites Naked Lady, Prom Attendee, and I Always Wanted to Be a Figure Skater, respectively:
Who will be THIS year’s Masquerading Itinerant? Scarlett O’Hara? Naked Lady? Join the MamaPop writers on our Somethingth Annual Golden Globes Open Thread this Sunday and find out!
About Alexa Stevenson
