This season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: GLAMOUR! ROD STEWART! CAMILLE’S ALTERNATE UNIVERSE! ELECTRIC CIGARETTES! DEATHBED PROMISES! FORESHADOWING OF DIVORCE! Season Finale, y’all!
I apologize for my liberal use of the word “awkward” to describe situations we encounter in the next 75 minutes, but this thing was like a just born baby giraffe, but not cute.
New York. Awkward pre-Emmy toast when Kelsey fucking cheers the British people (i.e., his flight attendant lady love). Camille is in mourning. Camille didn’t see it coming, but upon reflection, admits how awkward the night was.
Kyle is visiting her own medium. Not the one Camille was friends with the electric cigarette. Kyle brought her mother’s ashes and a lock of her mother’s hair for the medium. The things rich people spend their money on. I guess it’s a version of a shrink, honestly. Whatever.
Taylor visits Lisa at Villa Blanco. Lisa calls Taylor her “best friend’s new best friend”. Russell is throwing Taylor a birthday party and wants Lisa to come. Lisa scares the shit out of Taylor by looking her straight in the eye and asking her why she started shit between Kyle and Camille and why she hates Kim. Lisa doesn’t care about Kim, she just wants there to be peace on earth and goodwill between Kyle and Camille. Taylor responds by THs some metaphors about fire or something overly dramatic.
Lisa is at her ginormous house with a fashion designer, and they’re playing fashion show. Lisa helped design the dresses. They are all short and tight and Lisa looks pretty damn good in them. Her boobs are ta-dow. I’ve noticed that, in addition to being a shiftless layabout, Cedric is also fundamentally anti-sleeve.
Kim is getting her makeup done at Christophe. Kim uses some awesome airquotes to talk about sweatpants and ponytails and having a butler and wearing chefs hats. Kim does or has done acid. A lot. Kim wants to look nice for the party, so she’s getting makeup lessons. Kim THs that she worked every single day of her childhood, and her work paid for her family’s lifestyle. She also digs that she worked way more than her sisters and that’s why Kyle is cooler than her, because she had to go to school and make friends and Kim had to not only ESCAPE, but fucking RETURN to Witch Mountain.
Taylor gets emotional when THing that she and Kennedy’s doctor decided that Snowball needs to go live with a friend, so Snowball is going on a trial run while Taylor, Russell, and Kennedy go on a “trying to save the marriage” trip to Mexico.
Cedric gracefully dives into the pool wearing teeny swimtrunks. Lisa has another dog named Pikachu. Rod Stewart brings Lisa tea on a tray. He is rocking the chest hair. Guess he knows he’s sexy. FYI, Cedric is 37, so Rod Stewart wants his ass out. In Cedric’s THs, he has totally coiffed sweepy bangs and looks like Bruno. His sob story is almost as ridiculous as Bruno.
Kyle and Mauricio are getting ready to go to Taylor’s party. Kim’s dress looks like something Brenda Walsh would wear, all tight, black, and cutout sleeves. Kyle thinks that she’ll see less of the other housewives over the summer, and it’s probably a good thing.
Russell nags at Taylor that the limo is there and they’re late and keeping their friends waiting and basically sucking all the fun out of what is supposed to be Taylor’s birthday celebration. Russell tweets away the awkward limo ride. Good god, there are so many awkward moments of impending relationship-crumbling on this show.
Camille is a dramatic mess. She just can’t pull herself together for Taylor’s party and can’t leave the house. She tells her friend that Kelsey refused to speak to her about their issues while she was in New York. Camille lays it down: she’s been with Kelsey for 14 years and married almost 13. Who the fuck does this flight attendant trick this she is? Also, I would like to know who the fuck Kelsey thinks he is. What a piece of shit. I mean, Camille sucks, and I’m sure he probably tolerated her approximately 13 years and 364 days longer than I could have, but he’s been downright shameless in publicly humiliating her. So he can suck it. Then, Camille plays to the proletariat by dramatically describing her humiliation when she had to show her id to the doorman at her building in New York because they didn’t know who she was and thought Kayte Walsh was “Mrs. Grammer”. That’s a first-world problem, yo’. Camille questions if this trick knows that she’s destroying a family. Well, Kelsey is destroying a family, actually. To be fair, Kayte Walsh is a virtual stranger and she doesn’t owe you anything. Ol’ Frazier Crane is the one who crossed your ass. Your marriage vows should be theoretically stronger than a woman you don’t knows “code” about not hurting other women.
Adrienne is, as usual, dressed like a bedazzled Greek goddess. She brought her PR person to Taylor’s party. She claims this is how all of Hollywood rolls. I wouldn’t know. I’m in St Louis. Lisa and Rod Stewart arrive.
Kyle arrives and says Kim is running late. This show is about to run late. Another 75 minute episode. This was not in my contract.
Camille describes the “emotional torture” Kelsey put her through. She doesn’t even know who Kelsey is any more. This is all pretty fucked up, watching someone process their very public divorce. However, couldn’t Camille have told the cameras to go away? I mean, she could have, right? Discuss.
Taylor’s party. Kim is wearing a ridiculous five-strand pearl choker with matching bracelet to cover up her turkey neck. I’m pretty sure Kim is really fucked up. Kyle THs that it’s not good when Kim drinks. Impending doom.
Adrienne tells a story about telling Paul about the party blah blah blah Mark Wahlberg blah blah.
Speaking of blah, Kim’s old five-second boyfriend Martin is in the house, and Lisa wants to fail at setting them up again. Did you know Lisa’s nickname is Pinky? Because it is.
Russell taps on his wine glass and gives a boring speech. Taylor admits she’s 39 and Russell reassures her that she’s still hot. Lisa interviews that Russell is a wet blanket cyborg. Taylor is totes depressed. Her fake upper lip has nary approached anything resembling a smile.
Taylor figures her birthday can’t get any worse, so she pulls Kim aside to bring up bullshit. Kim is hammered, so she just looks at Taylor all cockeyed. Kim slurs a bunch their argument devolves into various versions of half-truths and revisionist histories. Kyle gets involved and the situation goes from bad to worse. The editors throw us a bone and let us know that Crazy Kim is actually right about the semantics of what Taylor said about Camille eons ago. Kim looks like how Kelly Bensimon looked when she went off her rocker. Kim says she’s not really even friends with any of these women and doesn’t enjoy any of their company. Kyle wants to know if that includes her. They put fingers in each other’s face. Hiss!
Rod Stewart and Paul dissect the confrontation from afar. Paul wins the night by asking why anyone would want to argue in front of 75 other people. Exactly, Paul.
Back to the catfight. Kim is acting like an insecure 7th grader who finally has enough of getting mean girled and tries to tell them off and is mostly right, but just can’t keep her shit together because she’s just so insecure around said Mean Girls. She’s crazy, but that sucks. Kim snots that she wants Taylor to stay away from her, and Taylor reminds her that it’s her party. Lisa cuts out to booze away the tension. Kim thinks that the whole party is watching her, but that really doesn’t seem to be true. She leaves. Damn. That chick has total arrested development. I wonder if it has anything to do with being a child star? <facepalm>
I spaced off for a bit. Kyle is trying to track down Kim and has some lady do that and keep Kim from leaving. Adrienne, Kim, and Martin ride around in a limo and play Dr. Phil. Kyle gets in and Kim cries. Kyle calls Kim insane and Kim drinks more. I don’t have a sister (although I have four great sister-in-laws), so I don’t really know how to flesh out whether sisters are just being sisters or if they are being shitty to each other. Or is that the same thing? I only know how brothers work, which is punch them in the nuts and run away. Kyle gets nasty and claims that Mauricio basically takes care of Kim financially, and then calls Kim an alcoholic. Then Kyle tells Kim she’s cut off. Dude, this is nasty as hell and is pretty fucking tragic, as far as rich people go.
Kyle regrets treating Kim like that, and wishes she was Cher so she could turn back time. In fishnets. Surrounded by sailors. Straddling a cannon. Since this is the finale, we get little blurbs updating us on each housewife. Kyle’s says “Kyle and Kim went weeks without talking…Their kids are now trying to broker a truce between them.”
Cedric and Lisa bicker. Lisa’s card reads, “As Cedric was moving out, he and Lisa had an explosive argument. They haven’t spoken since.”
Taylor hugs some lady. “Snowball is happy in his new home…But Taylor continues to struggle in her current one.”
Paul asks Adrienne if she’s tired. “Adirenne and Paul are still the Bickersons…Adrienne insists she’s not responsible for Paul’s multiple broken noses.” <wackytrombone>
Oh, damn. “Kim’s family checked her into rehab…A week later, she checked herself out. She is taking her life one day at a time.”
Camille puts her kids to bed. “Camille is living in Malibu, fighting for custody of her children. Kelsey is in New York, engaged to a 29-year-old flight attendant.”
Kyle talks about close friends while all the housewives, sans Kim, take a photo. End scene.
Next week’s the reunion, bitches!