Here I am again, another Wednesday night in front of the TeeVee. I’ve got my same Snuggie on, but a completely renewed sense of shame and dread as the nine o’clock hour approaches. I shall be watching Toddlers and Tiaras again, for the second week in a row, despite what I learned from my last viewing. What did I learn? Dear readers, I learned that pageant people are fucking insane. But enough about me, let’s carry on, shall we?
Tonight’s recap is Brought to you by Knob Creek Whisky. In keeping with tradition (does twice make a tradition?), I will be taking a shot each and every time I hear the word “DIVA.” Based on tonight’s 30 second pre-show summary, I think I’m going to be dragging myself from the bathroom to the bedroom in a few hours, and I’ll be late for work. Job? Who needs it!
I know! Let’s get shit-faced and watch a show about semi-exploited children!
Tonight’s summary starts with a tiny little pixie of a tot throwing a vein-splitting tantrum on the floor of a hotel room. This is chump change. I’m already learning that the hotel room tantrum is pretty standard fare for this show. If you want to get attention with a tantrum on this show, you pretty much need to explode, or an alien needs to pop out of your stomach. Otherwise, save it, sister. Next, we are treated to a super hot mom telling her daughter (DIVA? Oh, my liver hopes not!), “You look ugly when you cry.” Oh good, not 20 seconds in and we are treated to a fine display of the values that the culture of pageant competition instills in these fine young women. Finally, we see what appears to be an extremely gay man with a gift for sibilance who tells us that he is the “super-dad of pageants.” Wow. Does his wife know?
Tonight’s featured contestants will all be competing in the Universal Royalty Pageant in Austin, Texas. The pageant director coins a new phrase when she tells us that EVERYTHING is big in Texas! Even the pageants. And the hair.
Subtract 64 years and the penis, and you’ve got a winner right there.
Contestant #1: Mia, two years old, is a New Jersey girl. Mom Tina tells us that Mia is “totally 80’s,” and that in their house they listen to lots of Michael Jackson. Mia’s brother is named Michael. Mia is full of energy, and she has snot running down her face. In her introduction montage, we see lots and lots and lots of 80′s costumes.Most distressing is her Olivia Newton John workout costume adorned on the back with the words “Let’s Get Physical,” which is a song about a woman who wants to fuck. I’m starting to get the vague feeling that the girls on this show are being sexualized far beyond what is appropriate for their ages.
Nope, nothing to see here. Move along, please.
Contestant #2: Please welcome Aishlynn and her mom Lorena. Aishlynn, Lorena tells us, is a glitz girl. Aishlynn has the “complete package.” She has the looks, the body, and the temperament. Oh, wait, these are little girls we’re talking about, not show horses, scratch that. Aishlynn has the talent! Yeah, that’s it! When Lorena tries to get her to do some tricks for the camera (like counting by tapping her hoof) Aishlynn just ignores her. Mom admits that Aishlynn doesn’t listen too much to anyone. “I have my attitude, she has hers.” When the pageant coach arrives, Aishlynn also shows us her penchant for running in the other direction.
Oh, Aishlynn, if only you knew how far the horizon really was.
Contestant #3: From Santa Rosa, TX, we have Ava, and her dad David. As I said before, David is the Super Dad of Pageants. I don’t want to say that this guy is gay, but let’s just say he is gay gay gay. This is a show about people who are reeeeeeally into clothes, and yet this guy has the biggest closet of them all, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Ava was in the Universal Royalty Pageant last year, and she only got 2nd runner up in her division. Super Dad of Pageants David tells us that Ava HAS to win Grand Supreme this year. She HAS to. HAS TO. Super Dad of Pageants David, in case you haven’t guessed yet, is not living a life in which he is completely true to himself, and so he is living vicariously through his daughter. The difference between them is that she wears sequins on the outside, he wears sequins on his heart.
“Not now, Sweetie. Daddy’s having his Pageant Moment.”
Mia’s mom wants Mia to be “different,” and to stand out. This in mind, she has for her the most awful, degrading, unsightly, inhumane costume for the talent portion of the show. As your reviewer of the show, I really want to tell you right now what the costume is, but I think that the suspense might keep you reading this crappy article until the end. All I can say at this point is “What monster makes an outfit like that for a two year old?” That outfit should not be available in any size, much less size “pre-pubescent.” Anyway, Mia’s strength is apparently her talent, and mom tells us that in the past six months, Mia has stepped up her game. Mom doesn’t note that six months is a full quarter of Mia’s life.
Mia’s costume for the talent competition.
Super Dad of Pageants David brings Ava to the dance studio. He feels that it’s important that he comes here for her practices because he needs to know her dance so that he can help her. That being said, it was his idea to have her to a dance to a Lady Gaga song. As we all know, Lady Gaga is truly an icon for straight men everywhere. Super Dad of Pageants David sees a lot of himself in Lady Gaga. Innovative, visionary, loves wearing garters, etc.
We are now at the first COMMERCIAL. No one has said “DIVA” and so I’m taking a drink on principle. Thanks, Knob Creek, you make me feel like a man. Special thanks also to Super Dad of Pageants David, for the same reason.
Mia likes to spend her time doing gramma’s makeup. She has obviously learned what is important in life. Mom Tina tells us that her primary worries with Mia is her hair and makeup. Looks to me like mom entered Mia into a full glitz pageant, but doesn’t have the money to invest in a decent set of extensions for her little Skipper doll. Tina says that Gramma looks like a drag queen. I am stunned that the first mention of drag queens is not coming from Ava’s segment of the show.
Super Dad of Pageants David doesn’t just love the pagents – he loves spending his time on pageant message boards on the internet! Wow, once baby is asleep and mom has taken her Mickey Finn and the hot stud porn has been erased from the computer’s memory, he’s on the pageant sites. Super Dad of Pageants David is shocked that pageant sites tend to devolve into gossip and petty name-calling. He denies that he wants to be a two year-old again, despite the many postings that suggest the opposite. People make fun of his voice, too. Super Dad of Pageants David insists that if he has a higher register voice, there’s nothing that he can do about it – it’s genetics. He then resists the urge to snap his fingers in a big Z shape.
My friends in my OTHER chat room are much nicer to me.
Aishlynn and Lorena hop into the giant SUV to drive to dad’s work and get money so that they can go to the nail salon. Lorena again teaches her daughter solid values when she instructs her on how to use affection to manipulate her father. As for the dad, he hates pageants, but loves his girls. He has spent over $50,000 since Aishlynn started on the show horse circuit, I mean, pageant competitions eight months ago. Lorena, who does not work outside the home, manages to get a few hundred bucks from her husband, and then has the fucking balls to tell the camera that “I do pageants full time, and pageants is the hardest job you can have.”
Yup. Pageant mom is the hardest job EVER. My heart fucking weeps for you.
Aishlynn gets her hooves/nails done at the salon. She wants sparkles like her friend, but mom insists on the pageant nails. Aishlynn cries. The nail dude says he can give her sparkles, but mom puts the kibosh on that, saying “leave her – she can cry. She won’t die” (unless, of course, she breaks a leg during the swimsuit competition and has to be put down). Mom follows this up with a our second viewing of her opening salvo: “You look ugly crying.”
I take a moment to remind myself to have a daughter so that I can say this to her someday and completely fuck her up for the rest of her life.
Super Dad of Pageants David is sewing Ava’s constumes. This guy can do sequins. He can’t afford to buy the dresses, that is why he makes them. It has nothing to do with his very manly and straight love of sewing dresses for little girls. He is simply trying to save some money. Super Dad of Pageants David knows that if Ava is going to win, he has to sacrifice. And he tells us (NO SHIT, HE REALLY SAYS IT) that if it means that he can’t get that Louis Vitton bag… then he doesn’t get the Louis Vitton bag. The sacrifice of the LV bag inspires him to remind us again that Ava HAS TO WIN. Win. She BETTER win. Better win. Win win win.
Second COMMERCIAL. Still no mention of the word DIVA. I don’t understand what’s wrong here. I’ll take another shot of whiskey, just because I like it. Come on, folks, let’s DIVA up here.
DAY OF PAGEANT!
OK, so the first line after the commercial is the pagenat director saying “You’ll see DIVA attitudes in today’s pageant.” Finally, I get to take a shot. Glitz and GLAM.
Instead of paying a pro, Super Dad of Pageants David does his daughter’s hair and makeup. Mentions again that she HAS to win. But no pressure.
In an episode that has overall been lacking in drama, Mia, getting ready for the beauty competition, finally throws us some red meat. While getting her hair done, she starts into a genuine fit. Her makeup has been caked on with a spackling knife, but her hair hangs in her face like an old wig. Basically, she looks like an aging former movie star in the middle of a drinking binge. All she needs is a rat in a chafing dish, and the picture is complete. Mia then gets a soda, and all is well, even though mom says it’s bad for her. In a moment of pure genius parenting, she lets us know that Mia probably won’t get more soda until her NEXT meltdown. Next meltdown is a few moments later. Mia seems to have learned a trick!
Get me a fucking Mountain Dew. I’ll be fine.
Bliss only lasts so long, though, and when it’s Mia’s turn to hit the stage, she re-engages the meltdown blasters in the middle of the ballroom floor. With her tiny butt in air, little bloomers exposed, chubby little cherub legs kicking like albino sausages, she looks a mechanical plastic doll left writhing on the floor by a petulant four-year-old. However, she gets her shit together – turns into a pro on a dime, hits the stage and lights that shit UP, son! Way to go Mia! I almost forget that you are a toddler that has been dressed up and taught to walk like a cocktease.
It’s Ava’s turn. Oddly, in her before-and-after shot, she looks like she’s doing her best impression of Joe Cocker. Then she walks on stage and slows to zombie pace, moving like she’s suffering from a severe dopamine deficiency, while Super Dad of Pageants David acts out her bit for her from the audience. It becomes ever so apparent that he IS living vicariously through her. Throw a flipper on that bitch, and you got the winner of the boy’s 38 and over division. Thank God he’s living vicariously rather than dressing in spangly dresses and lacy ankle socks. Of course, we never actually SEE his closet, so the verdict is still up in the air. (Actually, we do see his closet. The one he’s IN.)
Aishlynn is starting to yawn. Then we see the pixie stix montage. Five stix in a row. I have heard that show horses/little girls get a nice pick-me-up from consuming highly processed sugar. She’ll get a pickup, but I can’t wait to see her as an absolute mess during the talent portion. She’ll barely be able to tap her hooves. She exit the stage, and mom gives her shit for not making eye contact with the judges. More Stix.
For the swimsuit competition, Ava is dressed as a 65 year old retiree from Boca Raton in a pimp hat.
Pixie stix montage, we’re up to 9. Shot of Aishlynn spinning around a pole.
Mia lost her edge in swimwear. Wanders around lost.
Super Dad of Pageants David comes right out and says it: “When Ava’s on stage, it’s like I’m on stage.” Can’t be any clearer than that.
Aishlynn hits the boards, and pixie stix are doing such a job that she appears to be sweating sugar.
When the talent portion arrives, Ava goes on and does her Lady Gaga routine. Super Dad of Pageants David is in the audience doing all the in time with her moves. He yells “pop it!” and no one has the guts to just slap the man. He admits to us that he knows Lady Gaga can be a little bit controversial, but AT LEAST has never dressed his daughter up as Madonna with the crazy cone bra. No Super Dad of Pageants would ever do that to his kid.
Cut to:
Two-year-old Mia ON STAGE IN FULL GOLD LAMEE POINTY BRA MADONNA COSTUME. Shots of moms in audience range from shock to glee to disgust to raging jealousy. Camera barely misses shot of youthful innocence sliding out the back door of the hotel, never to be seen again.
I swear it’s the truth.
Ava’s dad glares.
Head judge expresses shock.
Aishlynn is dancing dressed as a cowgirl. Mom is pleased that she made eye contanct.Gives her a sugar cube and a carrot.
Awards are presented:
Ava, I mean Super Dad of Pageants David, is nervous. Ava wins most photogenic, but doesn’t get best dressed. She gets second runner up in her division, which means that she is nowhere NEAR Grand Supreme Winner. When he hears that she got the same place that she did the year before, he says that he feels like everything is going to “cave in on me.” I remember that’s the exact phrase that my closeted gay goth friends used in high school when they had to take gym class.
At least we don’t have to play volleyball. Oh, we do? Crap.
Aishlynn wins best dressed, miss congeniality, and best mane. She then wins supreme for 0-5 year olds. Odds are placed for her to take the Kentucky Derby.
I take another shot just for the hell of it.
Grand talent winner is MIA! For being dressed like Madonna. Jesus weeps for our collective humanity.
Grand Supreme goes to smokin’ hot semi-pubescent Barbie doll, Mia picks a booger and eats it.
Roll credits.
