I was going to start this post by talking about the OneTouch cordless, “hands-free” (huh?) can opener I got for Christmas from my mother (practical and…practical!), but then I realized it actually takes two touches to make the damn thing work, which is exactly one touch over the line between my (a) happily opening every can from here to Croatia with a whistle and a smile vs. (b) becoming consumed with rage as I am forced to press a second time the button appearing directly over the word(s) “OneTouch.”
Because just eating one of the fresh pears on your counter takes more touches than this can opener.
So let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about the “As Seen on TV” products that not only deliver what they promise but also don’t send me into a murderous rage.
1. The Snuggie
It’s hideous and ridiculous and made of the lowest quality synthetic “fabric” it’s legal to manufacture, but damn it if I don’t love my giant fleece tarp with arm holes. Back when Snuggies first appeared on the market, there might have been some shame in publicly admitting your life would be improved by advances in basic blanket technology and construction, but now that the Snuggie has warmed its way into the hearts of a critical mass of Americans (albeit via the grace of the irony-loving crowd, who buy them as a joke), you can finally hold your head up high and wear your Snuggie (or Slanket or Blankoat or Nuddle) wherever you go! You don’t think they really made the leopard print version for snuggling on your couch with a good book, do you? No, that right there is a clubbing Snuggie!
Did I say “club”? I meant “cult.”
[Warning: Do not Google for Snuggie images unless you’re prepared for the worlds of fetishes and loungewear to collide before your eyes in a most spectacular fashion (pun intended).]
2. Slap Chop
The Slap Chop says what it does and it does what it says. The only thing that would make it better is if spokesmonkey Vince Offer (who looks like Beavis) were contracted to appear in my kitchen and narrate all my Slap Choppy culinary adventures. What a pity he’s so unreliable (read: might be in jail after slap-chopping a prostitute). And here I thought “You’re gonna love my nuts” was a fool-proof pickup line; silly me.
3. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chias
It used to be that you could only enjoy your Chia in “pet” form, but these days there’s a Chia for every occasion and every personality. Want to show coworkers you’re an intellectual? Put a Chia Professor in your cubicle! Want your girlfriend to know you’re suffering from arrested development? Here’s a Chia Scooby-Doo for your kitchen window! Presidents Day is just around the corner, and I know you bought your Chia Obama way back at his inauguration, but why not give the prez some company in the form of a new Chia Washington and Chia Lincoln?
This is not what I had in mind.
Chia products are stupid and useless and expensive, but you know what? They’re also kind of fun, especially if you have kids or especially if you really, really, really love Scooby.
4. Any kind of “personal massager” sold on TV as a “personal massager.”
Late one night, my grandma went on a QVC binge and ended up buying everyone in the family giant plug-in massagers for Christmas. Part of me thinks she did it just to see who could keep a straight face upon opening what is essentially a high-powered vibrator during that holiest of holidays, and the other part doesn’t care why she bought them because they’re awesommmeebuzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaahhhhhhh.
Thanks, Grandma! I’ll think of you every time I massage myself!
5. The Shake Weight
The Shake Weight makes the list because it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh, which is what it was designed to do, yes? There’s no way anybody actually buys this thing as fitness equipment, right? RIGHT?
Ron Popeil can’t believe he didn’t think of it first.
Okay, fess up. What “As Seen on TV” product is your favorite? Are you wearing a Turbie Twist RIGHT NOW?
