I’m not recapping last week’s show. If you can’t remember what happened, you’re a luckier person than I.
Ugh. Fine. If you really, really don’t remember and you really, really neeeeed to know, it was about poop, ok? The whole show was about poop and the toilet and not being able to poop into the toilet and pooping too much into the toilet. It was the most disgusting waste of an hour I’ve ever experienced.
Oh, and Ronnie cried a lot. Like, a lot a lot.
***
The morning after she hooked up with one guy, Snooki calls Nick to go out later. Nick is one of Snooki’s man-whores. There’s a whole bunch of them and I wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a line up. Although, I suppose, with a line up I could just say yes. All of them. Nick promises not to stand her up. I sense foreshadowing.
Pauly just wants to go to work, but Deena and Mike won’t wake up. They’re clearly lazy. They take an hour break after leaning on the counters all morning. Being hungover is hard work.
The look of a woman one hangover joke away from punching a bitch in the neck.
Ronnie calls his dad to talk about his stupid, cry-baby face. Or the poor decisions he’s made. The two are interchangeable. He’s coming down for some screen time.
The hard workers are hard at work, playing on the boardwalk instead of actually working. Their boss even tries calling, but they ignore him. They buy a miniature motorcycle and swear the whole way back to work.
Ronnie and his dad wander the boardwalk and grab a bite to eat and talk about whether or not he should leave the Shore. His dad calls him bro, which is confusing to me. His dad reminds him that his problems will follow him wherever he goes, so he decides to stick around. I didn’t know it could be possible, but Ronnie’s dad is even more tanned than he is. He must do T-GTL-T, with a chaser of T.
An abnormally dark man and his roid ragey son.
The lazies come home and start playing with the bike. It’s so tiny and Ronnie’s big ass is so big. Thanks to the ‘roids and all. Vinny on the bike makes Ronnie laugh for the first time since Sammi left. I’m not happy about it.
Snooki calls Nick’s voicemail a hundred times because he’s not picking up. He’s officially stood her up. JWoww asks if he might be pissed about her maybe hooking up with one of his friends last night. Jenni calls Roger to talk about all the guys Snooki’s hooked up with. Apparently she’s slept with an entire family and didn’t even know it! She’s so whorey that Vinny won’t even sleep with her and Vinny loves whores.
The toilet’s still clogged. Oh. Goody. Vinny’s role on Jersey Shore this season is The Plumber. I hope he’s getting paid well. He can’t unclog it, so maybe they should withhold that pay until the bowl’s clean.
Vinny is mean to Snooki because he thinks she’s a slut. In a nice way. He’s the biggest slut in the house, though, so I don’t know what his problem is.
Snooki, didn’t your mom ever tell you that if a boy picks on you, he thinks you’re pretty. Or super slutty.
At the club, everyone’s getting their dance on. Jenni misses Roger and she behaves herself, even when she gets hit on. I almost like her this season. Almost.
Back home, they’re all sloppy. Vinny finds Snooki in his bed and they snuggle until he realizes that she doesn’t just want to snuggle and so he leaves. He doesn’t want to smush and for the hundredth time, he rejects her advances.
Ronnie calls Sammi. She says that if she comes back (oh, shit) that she just wants to be friends. Ronnie can’t do that. If she returns, he’ll leave. I hope she comes back.
In the morning, Snooki and Deena have a marshmallow fight and decorate the house with them. I don’t get it. Mike doesn’t either. He gets off the phone because they insist they need to call a cab RIGHT. NOW. He says he’ll call for them. But instead of going to Jenk’s (I don’t know what that is…probably a bar), he tells the cabbie they’re going to Times Square, and it’s a surprise.
The girls make the cab ride utterly awkward for the driver. Ladies, the poor man does not want to see your boobs. Just let him drive.
Snooki + Deena = The Meatballs.
I’ve got a mash-up of the Lollipop Guild and Oompa Loompa songs in my head. It’s not half bad, actually.
The boys stay back and want to go out, but Mike isn’t ready. He says he will be ready in 5 minutes. The longest 5 minutes in the history of clocks. So, they leave while he’s getting ready. In the car, they talk trash about Mike trying to steal Pauly’s girls.
The girls are getting a little worried because they’ve been driving for an hour.
Mike comes downstairs and everyone’s gone. He realizes this is just karma for the prank he pulled on the girls. He discusses it with one of the dogs. He goes out with Jenni and they grab take-out instead. He eats it alone at the table and talks to all his imaginary friends.
Sammi’s coming back. Sigh. SIGH, I SAY.
The girls finally figure out that Mike sent them to NYC. They hate him. They also make the cabbie to do a U-Turn, grab some liquor and drive back home.
The dudes come home and it’s a little tense between them and Mike. Vinny wants to die because he has the inability to stop eating when presented with a trough full of pasta. He burps at the camera for us. Pure class, that one. Jenni lets them know that they actually hurt Mike’s feelings when they left.
The Meatballs come back home and chew Mike out, but not until after they pretend to have had a good time while in the city. Even though they never actually spent any time in the city. Even though they’re really upset about the prank, they admit Mike got them good and they vow to get revenge on him.
Poor Mike. He’s not having a good night.
Snooki isn’t happy with Vinny and Pauly for not telling them about the prank. Pauly is mad at them for being mad at him for no reason. But not for real. He’s kind of funny.
Sammi comes home. Ronnie’s face drops.
Remember why you left, Sammi? ‘Cause we do. If you remembered, you would have stayed gone.
I knew it was too good to last. Well, maybe Ronnie will leave this time. As long as one of them leaves, I’ll be happy.
***
Next week we have to look at the toilet some more. Seriously, MTV. I have a few toilets of my own. If I wanted to watch what is going on three episodes of looking at toilets, I would have just locked myself in my washroom. Just hire them a plumber and don’t make us watch it. Although, according to the preview, you could only grant the first of my wishes.
About Jen O.
