Say what you will but it’s better than using Craigslist to shop for their playdates.
A mom who, as centuries of moms before her have threatened to do, finally reached the end of her rope, put her kids’ annoying toys up for sale on eBay. Her auction listing–since removed–showed two sheepish, tearful boys with offending toys in hand and cited irreparable scarring to the finish of her bathtub by Manga-inspired spinning tops. It also disclosed the content of the boys’ collective piggybanks, reclassified for the forseeable future as the “Don’t Eff with Mom Fund.” Which I believe is a 403b plan.
The only thing missing is the height chart behind them. And Benicio Del Toro saying “Give me the keys, you f@#&ing c#@%sucker.”
The devil’s playthings in question are tops called Beyblades. eBay Mom’s boys used the toys ”off-label” after deciding that spinning tops in a plastic dish (you can call it “the arena” all you want, Beyblade Makers) is bo-ring. When using the family tub as a Thunderdome resulted in scratches and a broken soapdish, Mom snapped. And in what I can only imagine was darkly comical if you weren’t one of the two offending young’uns, made good on the “if you can’t take care of your toys” threat in a way only a 21st Century mom could.
The internet is expanding the parental arsenal like never before and the jury’s still out as to whether or not this is a good thing. The denizens of 4Chan, an image-based bulletin board inspired by a Japanese phenomenon, say no. Members of the site immediately and efficiently lashed out at eBay Mom and eventually spammed her auction within an inch of its cringe-inducing life.
If eBay had existed in 1982, my parents would’ve sold Baby Apricot in a hot second. She blew kisses that smelled like a dying woman who’d just bathed in Apricot Schnapps and gargled in stagnant aquarium water.
I’m too new a parent to muck in on this: yes, I feel for Teary McCriesALot in the picture but was she just trying to hit the kids where they live? Was it extreme parenting? Is humiliation the best medicine? I’m conflicted. But in some ways, eBay Mom, I feel you. Just the other day, I may or may not have taken a stiletto heel to a Laugh & Learn table when it wouldn’t stop singing. “Oh wow…John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is YOUR name, TOO? I think you should consider changing it to ‘Pile of Plastic Shrapnel. LALALALALALALA!”
Crazy hair and giant knife aside, you have to admit…when it came to Carrie going to the prom, Mom did know best.
The real lesson here is that we’re no longer parenting in a vacuum. We have real-time feedback at our fingertips. And I think eBay Mom might just turn out to be a pioneer, opening the door for countless other great tools for parenting in public:
- Carfax adds a new section for cars that were actually turned around.
- McSweeney’s features a series of open letters from kids apologizing to the starving children of ______ for not touching their green beans.
- Funny or Die adds a new rating: “If they’re laughing you don’t need them because they’re not good friends.”
- Facebook unveils the “I don’t like your behavior but I love you” button.
- RunKeeper debuts the “Walk to School Uphill Both Ways” tracker.
- Solitaire is supplanted in popularity by the new “If Jimmy Plays Bridge, Are You Going to Do It, Too?” app.
I think I speak for everyone when I say I’m thrilled for the opportunity to embarrass my daughter in this brave new world.