Okay.
Assume the fetal position.
It’s happening.
The fear that has been quietly sitting dormant in the back of our minds since we first heard the expression “Tiger Blood” has been realized. A porn parody of the waking nightmare of self-destruction we know as Charlie Sheen is in the works. Sources say that Sheen himself has been tapped (ew) to direct the feature, which will star THREE of his ex-lovaaaahhhs, and is tentatively titled…wait for it…Two and a Half Women.
Sigh, shudder.
Wwe had to know this was coming. Only a fool would have believed that a public pop cultural shit-storm of this duration could avoid being made into a porn parody of itself. One must wonder if the “plot” will center around Sheen’s recent travails, or whether it will perhaps parody the plot of an actual episode of Two and a Half Men. Only time and ungodly amounts of lube will tell!
Allegedly, Melanie Rios, one of Charlie’s “goddesses” (seriously) is already slated to star. Good for her! I hope she has a chance to unwrap her legs from around her own neck to celebrate what is surely a proud day both for her AND her parents! The other two stars are porn actresses, Cassandra Cruz and Elizabeth Ann, who each claim to have shared intimate sexy time with the imploding actor.
The concept was chosen and Sheen selected to direct by co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment Steven Hirsch himself, which is, naturally, a tremendous honor. A letter about the project, written by Hirsch to Charlie allegedly notes “The fact that you are the ultimate connoisseur of adult films would definitely work to your advantage.”
“Connoisseur,” yes, of course. In fact, I always imagine Mr. Sheen enjoying his porn in the leather-backed seats of his private screening room with an alpaca afghan over his knees and a snifter of brandy close at hand, with a small Moleskine notebook on his teak side-table for any notes he feels compelled to make during his viewing. Afterward, the DVD is ejected and replaced in its case by a solemn, gray-haired butler who then shelves it inside what’s referred to as “the vault,” in alphabetical order.
Sigh, shudder.
