At MamaPop, we may not be well known for appropriate parental behavior. For those of us that have procreated, it’s a curse being such badass moms and dads, regardless of whether said procreation was precipitating by some roadside time in the backseat of an Acura or not. Scathing looks from people that evade looking directly in our eyes (because they’re more than a little worried that we might go Charlie Sheen on them) hurts, dammit.
Still, we persevere in our quests to raise the most hipster, non-censored children around.
Let me tell you, there’s been some proud moments along the way, and it’s all due to a hefty sense of DAMN THE MAN, coupled with a lot of System of a Down, goth-rock, smoking, blow, hookers and moving-pictures. Being a good bad parent is tough, but we’re here to help you with an easy transition guide from birth to awesome.
Step one: Teach them about sex via primetime and/or chick flicks
Your child will soon be convinced that rampant make-out sessions and stumbling into furniture while clothes randomly fall on the floor are what adults do when they love each other. Because at a young age, they’re incapable of witnessing daddy-issues in action, nor aware of the beer-goggles effect.
Step two: Enter film noir
You can start traditional with a little bit of Hitchcock and black-and-white film action, or you can jam some Tim Burton in their eyeballs. Either way, you’re setting them up for a lifetime of mystery, intrigue, and an utterly impenetrable condition of desensitization.
Step three: Bring on the fangs
While we here at MamaPop would never officially condone the watching of the Twilight series of movies, or the reading of the books, the first movie in the series is perfect for letting your three year-old cut her horror teeth on since it’s actually completely without terror whatsoever and all-but explains about the natural order of vampires – including the elusive race of semi-vegan vamps. Knowledge is power, parents.
Scariest part of the whole series, right there
After the first one, your kids will be clamoring for the next in the series. You might want to punch a baby seal for this fact, but despite it, you should be thankful because you’ll be able to smirk judgmentally when Little Tommy from down the block can’t handle the entire Snow White film and your kid just finished watching Coraline for the 831st time. In her Corpse Bride Halloween costume. While drinking blood.
Step four: Initiate medical drama cuddle mode
A weekly House, MD or Grey’s Anatomy date with your child is more than just bonding time. It’s also educational. It teaches them about doctors being real people, with real problems; about empathy and compassion; about the natural order of life; and that you can use various types of saws to get to basically any part of your anatomy. Any toddler who knows that the correct answer to ‘it could be auto-immune’ is “it’s NOT lupus” is destined for greatness. Or Harvard.
Step five: Youtube like you’ve never youtubed before
Because the true secret to letting any kid watch something Not. Meant. For. Their. Kind. is preparation, what you need to do is sit down with little Janey, search for ‘{insert inappropriate film name here} Trailer’ and watch every single video that comes up. You can initiate a two-way discussion about what’s in the previews, or you can let the shock and awe wash over them – it’s up to you – but I prefer the former. It just makes taking a preschooler to the theatre to see Inception that much easier.
* Ideas represented by the author are not necessarily indicative of the general opinions of all MamaPop contributors, or its owners. After all, not all of MamaPop’s authors forgot to use birth control that one time, therefore changing the entire course of their future.
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