Last week on Jersey Shore, Snooki was sad. She really loves Vinny and Vinny doesn’t love her in THAT WAY. Sammi came back and tortured Stupid Ronnie by being there and not taking him back immediately. There was more poop in their toilet we had to look at.
Vinny and Pauly D head over to Staten Island to visit Vinny’s family and Pauly sings another annoying song.
The girls plus Ronnie all go GTL. Mike stays at home with the puppies. One of them is named Lean Cuisine. I wish I had of thought to name my dog Lean Cuisine because damn, that’s cute. He starts feeding the dogs peanut butter and Fluff. They’re going to barf.
At Vinny’s parents’ place, they hug and kiss about four million cousins, who are all mashed into one bungalow. They eat. Everything. EVE-RY-THING. All of the food that was grown, butchered, baked, created, ever from all of the lands. I’m full just watching.
The damn dogs, which I USED to think are cute, are pissing and shitting everywhere and instead of cleaning it up, Mike is just laughing and running commentary. When they come back, he hides to avoid the wrath, but he’s totally busted because he rubbed his stink all over the dog fur.
The shitters. Don’t let the white fur fool you. They are dirty, dirty dogs.
Vinny and Pauly return and the preparations begin. There’s so much lycra, my pores are clogging FOR them. Ronnie and Sammi start making out. LE FUCKING SIGH. Ew. I see tongues. Snooki finds a barely legal Pauly lookalike to get it in with.
Sammi BRILLIANTLY decides she’s not ready to take him back. CAN YOU PROMISE US THIS WILL BE FOREVER, SAM?
Vinny’s getting spray tanned because he’s too white.
See? Practically ghostly.
He goes dark. Like DARK, dark. Burnt orange, dark.
On the way home, they see Roger driving home and Jenni honks. And honks again. He’s pretty obviously avoiding them when he purposely turns a corner. GIRL IN THE CAR. Probably. When they get home, she goes straight to the phone and breaks if off over his voicemail. All because they others razzed her about something that MIGHT have been going on.
Water balloon war! The girls lose round one terribly because none of them can throw. For round two, shit gets real when the boys throw the girls into the hot tub. END GAME. Pwned.
Roger calls back and Jenni eats a huge piece of humble pie. He wasn’t with a girl, he wasn’t dodging her, he was late for an appointment and wasn’t paying attention. She got served.
Ronnie and Sam have a talk about how he misses her and he’s changed. She still loves him but she’s scared. Honey, I’m scared FOR you.
She goes outside to talk with Sammi and Jenni. They’re skeptical about whether Ron’s changed or not. They’re leaning towards not.
The whole group goes to the boardwalk to have a little clean fun. Well, clean for them. They’re still getting their drink on and hitting on gorillas. Sammi and Ronnie didn’t know that a penguin is a bird. Let me repeat myself.
THEY THOUGHT PENGUINS WERE MAMMALS. I’m done. I mean, I’ll continue, but I’m done.
Does that LOOK like a mammal? Wings? Beak? FEATHERS?
Yup. Looks like a kitty cat to me.
Back at home, Mike gives Snooki a facial. Like, for real. It was weird.
They’re going out again. MAN, they’re exhausting to watch. Do they never just hang out at home? Don’t have stories they need to watch?
Mike runs into an old friend who asks about Sammi. He says they’ve been texting and shows Mike the texts. She asked him to meet her there. ALLEGEDLY. He brings Jenni into the plot by getting her talk to Arvin and see the texts. Then they tell the rest of the group. Snooki tells Sammi and she’s LIVID and denies it all. Sammi confronts Arvin with Ron. Ron’s pissed and they fight. OF COURSE. Again.
The guys, at home, talk about the situation while eating all the junk food. Pauly sits back and waits for the girls to come home. He wants a show. Sammi and Mike have at it like two chickens in a cock fight. I can understand them just about as well, too.
Sammi walks away and Ron follows, yelling at her while she yells back. He’s lost it again, cornering her and screaming in her face.
HULKRON LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKE HULKRON ANGRY!
HULKRON SMASH THINGS WHEN HULKRON GET ANGRY.
Next week Sammi and Ron fight some more. But I didn’t need to tell you that.