In the course of watching Charlie Sheen implode, who among us hasn’t muttered, “I really hope this man is unarmed?” We are not alone. Rumors that Sheen possesses guns are adding to the Mansonian undertones of Sober Valley Lodge, with its free love and its pick-up baseball games (oh and that one really unhinged deluded guy strumming a guitar in the corner). And last night, some brave soul tipped off the LAPD.
Yes, I said “brave soul.” Would YOU drop a dime on a warlock?
Last night (Mar. 10), acting on a tip that Sheen threatened to turn a gun on himself, the LAPD raided Sober Valley. While under the restraining order obtained by ex-wife Brooke Mueller–the same order that led to Sheen’s twin sons being removed from his home just last week–Charlie is not allowed to possess a gun. Next to waiting an hour after eating before getting in the pool, I think this is the best rule in the history of man.
While the cops executed their warrant, Sheen and his porn-y comrades had a backyard barbecue, shown in footage obtained by CW affiliate KTLA. So…much…to…say. (1) Nothing says “This is a raid, turkeys!” like throwing some kielbasa on the grill. (2) The danger in barbecuing at Sheen’s, raid or no, is that Charlie will mishear the request and throw kielbasa on the girl. (3) The CW has a news helicopter? And if it was at Sheen’s house, who’s monitoring the dangerous level of Zeno Hot Spot commercials during One Tree Hill? Irresponsible muckrakers, if you ask me.
When the news broke, I was so worried. Why on Earth, I wondered, would the LAPD execute Warrant?
Sheen’s lawyer Mark Gross confirms to TMZ that police found only one weapon (!) and “a few bullets” (again with the “!”). The weapon in question was described as a “rifle from the 1800s.” A rifle from the 1800s. This explains so much. Charlie Sheen is not just a warlock, a martian and part-Tiger. He is an old-timey gold prospector.
No mention was made of the fact that earlier this week another tipster indicated that Charlie Sheen does own a weapon: a machete. That tipster was Charlie Sheen, photographed waving said GIANT STABBY THING from a balcony on Monday. Never fear, Uncle Charlie tells RadarOnline this morning. That machete isn’t his. He just, y’know, borrowed it.
New rule: if Charlie Sheen–nay, ANY Yankees fan–asks to borrow your machete, say no.
All evidence and reports point to Charlie cooperating with the investigating officers. An LAPD source tells TMZ that officers never intended to place the actor under an involuntary psychiatric hold. Because, apparently, you have to be crazy before they’ll do that.
After the raid, Sheen told the Twitterverse “#fastball; the LAPD were AWESOME. Absolutely pros! they can protect and serve this Warlock anytime!!! c.” Okay. That’s it. Now this guy is getting really dangerous. Sure, he’s a threat to himself, his kids, the women in his life. But abusing an innocent semi-colon? I’m done with you, Charlie Sheen.