It’s Monday, Monday, gotta reconsider on Monday. Nobody Everybody looking forward to more Rebecca Black news. And oh, this week does not disappoint.
After hearing Rebecca Black’s heavily Autotuned vocals on “Friday,” I wondered what her voice sounded like without Skynet on backup. Autotune helped Black carry the melody, but it couldn’t sand off the nasal grind that transformed ‘Friday’ into ‘Fraiydeh’ (or maybe she’s singing about a fried egg? Gotta get down on fried egg, after all) or conceal her pencil-thin vocal range.
So what does this 13 year old hopeful sound like without the benefit of a recording studio?
Here’s your answer.
Yes, it’s an early acoustic performance of “Friday,” performed in Black’s living room for an audience of several. Watch the musicians stifle their grins while Black wanders off pitch, flubbing the lyrics and flicking her eyes to the adults in the room for signs of approval. Accompanying Black and the musicians are two grown-ass men: Patrice Wilson (whom you may recognize from the official “Friday” video) and Clarence Jey, the founders of vanity label Ark Music Factory. Watching Wilson and Jey play cheerleader for Black’s unsteady vocals makes me want to punch them right in the douchebag.
The worst part of it, I suspect, is that this video was probably released by Ark Music to keep Black’s name in the public consciousness for yet another week. What’s coming next (aside from the forthcoming album and tour)? Rebecca making brownies? Polishing andirons? Rebecca doing a cameo in one of those lame Frieberg and Selzer parody aggregator flicks? Maybe she’ll find some fame and fortune on a Nickelodeon version of Celebrity Rehab.
Frankly, if I were Rebecca Black’s parents, I’d politely request a refund before ripping out Wilson and Jey’s kidneys in one smooth scooping motion. With some vocal coaching and performance lessons, Black wouldn’t be so bad. Instead, they fell for Ark Music’s empty promises and rank exploitation of inexperienced children.
I’d like to end this post with a personal message to Patrice Wilson and Clarence Jey: SET YOURSELVES ON FIRE AND DIE. NOT FROM THE FLAMES, BUT FROM INHALATION OF SUPERHEATED AIR, WHICH WILL SEAR YOUR LUNGS AND CAUSE YOU TO EXPIRE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY OVER THE COURSE OF THE NEXT TWENTY FOUR HOURS, AS YOUR LUNGS FILL WITH FLUID AND YOUR BODY SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY STARVES FROM LACK OF OXYGEN. MAKE SURE THE NURSES KNOW THAT YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING “FRIDAY” ON THE WORLD, BECAUSE THERE’S A CHANCE THAT THEY MAY ‘FORGET’ WHERE THEY PUT YOUR MORPHINE DRIP, YOU TOTAL DOUCHEBAGS.
YOUR LOCAL GAS STATION HAS PLENTY OF GASOLINE AND MATCHES. GOOD LUCK.
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