It’s (mostly) true, kids. But before we light the torches, let’s get a rundown of the events leading up to this EGADS! moment:
1. Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise arrive in New York last week after visiting Big Daddy Tom Cruise on some set in Vancouver, Canada. (Suri, no doubt, spent at least a day rubbing elbows with Edward and Bella, because, GIRL, I WOULD TOO.)
2. Fast-forward to yesterday. (Apparently Katie Holmes is designing clothing? Anyway, yes, she’s designing clothing–and since 2008, no less.) She spends yesterday with an unnamed blond friend and fashion designing partner, Jeanne Yang, on a photo shoot.
3. Later that evening, they arrive at Barney’s New York to showcase Katie’ spring line, which has apparently been inspired by Charlie’s Angels. Yes, really.
3. This gig lasts until midnight, at which point Katie takes Suri to Serendipity to get some dessert (because life doesn’t HAVE to change when you have children, people! LOOSEN UP!)
Now THIS, you see, is where the penis incident gets underway.
Now, am I surprised that the four year-old is holding a box of inappropriate candy? SHIT NO. Kids exist to humiliate their parents, in case you’d forgotten. I wouldn’t be shocked to hear that Suri also called someone fat or asked a dude if he was a boy or a girl. THIS IS WHAT KIDS DO.
What IS surprising, is that a spokesperson for the restaurant stated that the group did, in fact, PURCHASE the PENIS GUMMIES! Common sense suggests that this may have been a terrible, terrible idea. However common sense also discourages most parents from dressing their children in heels and taking them for dessert at midnight (OMFG). BUT! I try my best not to wear my Judgey Mom Hat. So I feel like the possible scenarios could place this whole ordeal in context and make Katie’s actions fully understandable:
1. Show and Tell Day at Preschool: The Letter “P”
I know I scrambled to find something for “O” day at my kid’s school a few months back. (Son, you CAN’T bring an ORANGE! It’s SO OBVIOUS!) And some of these crazy teachers even repeat the damn letters as the year progresses. What if Katie had already exhausted her resources, already having sent her daughter in with a porcupine, princesses, popsicles, Popples, The Color Purple, and Matthew, Katy, and Luke Perry?! Desperate times, people, call for penises.
2. Suri Found Daddy’s Toy Stash
::scratches neck uncomfortably:: I’m just SAYING, that this could help to, ah, clear some things up. Play therapy? Let’s leave it at that.
3. Suri Was Headed to a Bachelorette Party
Sure, some of us find those dick-themed parties to be a bit tasteless, but little Suri does not discriminate. Her social circle is vastly larger than mine, and I’m sure this was a BYOP (Bring Your Own Penis) event. Really, it’s quite considerate of her to be such a good sport in the name of friendship, given her social status. I bet she even wore THE PENIS HAT. So cute!
4. Blame Google
Listen, who HASN’T been writing an article about a kid who eats gummy penises, and doing an accompanying image search for YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE when suddenly a child appears and is all, WHAT’S THAT MOMMY?! It happens to the best of us! Ahem. At least now Katie has an answer for her:
Suri: Whatchya doin’, Mo–…WHOA, what’s THAT?
Katie: Oh, THAT! HA! It was JUST…ah…CANDY, sweetheart!
Suri: Candy? So you eat them, Mommy?
Katie: Well, you see…ahm…
Suri: GIMME! [pops them in her mouth] THEY’RE SO CHEWY!
Katie: Oh dear…gently, darling.
5. They Were Really For Mom
Hey now, Katie, we’ know how it is. Tom. Scientology. Constant criticism from snarky bloggers. Some people have their vodka. Others have their gummy penis candy. No one here is judging. (Much.) Just next time, maybe don’t let Suri hold the, um, candy sack. Er, bag.