Rhubarb presents the 2nd best example of Man’s pigheaded stupidity. Eons ago, when our forebears were being chased by saber-toothed tigers and using their feet to power their log-and-stone cars, eating was a matter of species survival. Taste didn’t factor into the picture. Roots were pulled out of the ground and eaten raw; animals were killed and devoured where they stood. But as Early Caveman developed, so did his taste; with fire came cooking, and Early Caveman realized that one didn’t have to suffer through awfulness. This does not explain rhubarb. It stands to reason that one caveman was bound and determined to eat that noxious plant; he tried it raw, tried it cooked, tried it with salt, invented the pie crust, dumped a bunch of rhubarb and sugar into it, baked the whole mess, and still he came to the same conclusion: “Jesus Christ, rhubarb is awful.” “Yes, it is”, said Jesus, sitting astride his majestic dinosaur mount. “Come on, I’ll rustle us up some fish.”
The best example of Man’s pigheaded stupidity is, of course, the Big Budget Superhero Musical.
For months now, news of the spandexed megadisaster Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark has belched forth from New York like the oily flatus of a Broadway taxicab. Terrible songs. Partially decapitated actors. “Sling the web” entering the lexicon as the new “jump the shark”. A certain river in Egypt, where Julie Taymor has apparently anchored her houseboat. While the Spider-Man musical is redefining the word “flop”, it’s not the first time that a Superhero Musical has crashed and burned. Anybody remember It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…It’s Superman? Of course you don’t. But because Mankind is pigheadedly stupid, someone took a look at Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark and thought, “By God, if Man can find a way to eat rhubarb, surely we can come up with a Superhero Musical that people will love! Let’s see…Aquaman: Sleep With The Fishes? Ah! It’s obvious! A poncy, singing Batman! Thanks, Joel Schumacher!” Thus, we have Batman: Live.
The cast of the new musical "Batman: Live", not to be confused with the cast of "Batman On Ice!"
Apparently, the story revolves around Robin, and his developing partnership with Batman, and if anything could make the creepiest character relationship in literary history (grown man “adopts” orphan boy, makes him dress in pantless circus costume and mask) even creepier, it’s having Batman and Robin sing duets. Batman purists are already pointing out the production’s fatal flaws: multiple villains (the good Batman flicks have two, tops), making Robin an integral part of the plotline (again, bringing in Robin pretty much derailed the pre-Nolan films), music and libretto by Creed (ok, I made that up) and, oh yeah, Bruce Wayne is an angry psychopath with parental abandonment issues. He’s the Goddamn Batman, not flippin’ Peter Allen. (Hey – was that Wolverine?) I’ll go back to the “eating rhubarb” analogy: just because something can be done, doesn’t mean it should. Am I right, Adam West?
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