It’s kind of heartbreaking when a cereal goes off the market. Breakfast being perhaps the most repetitive and ritualistic meal of the day, it can really throw you for a (Froot) loop when, after coming to rely upon a particular variety, you suddenly realize it’s gone and that you must have been the only one buying it.
As a kid, the first cereal death I remember was Krispy Kritters. I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t have it anymore. How can there just one day be no Krispy Kritters in the world? I felt so let down, and it must have been hard for my mom, too. How do you explain to a kid that they can’t have their favorite animal-shaped cereal anymore? Actually, I’m pretty sure my mom just let me have one of the really junky cereals I usually wasn’t allowed to have and I consequently forgot all about it.
Personal tragedies aside, most defunct cereals are gone for a reason. Banana Frosted Flakes, anyone? Ew. Here are some cereals of yore that probably nobody misses:
The cereal was too sweet for even my unrefined kid’s palate, so this cereal’s appeal was really all about the box, which had comics on it, and even folded out like the Sunday comics. The problem? Only the suckiest of comics made the grade. I’d rather have sent my cereal box to the starving kids my mom always mentioned than read Family Circus and Hi and Lois. If Fox Trot had been on the box, that would have been a different story.
Who pitched this cereal? “You know the most obnoxious television character on the most schmaltzy family comedy on television? Let’s make a cereal based on that guy. We’ll make it taste like strawberry-banana Nerds…and sadness.” I’ve never tried Urkel-Os, and I don’t know anyone personally who has either, because seriously, what crack does one have to be smoking to make this cereal a reality?
Mr. T Cereal
See, now this is how you make a cereal based on a television character. You pick one that’s actually cool. Too bad the cereal was basically shitty Cap’N Crunch. I pity the fool who ate Mr. T cereal, although it was made super cool by its appearance in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure:
Next week, we’ll round up some of the more ridiculous promotional-movie-tie-in cereals of yore.