I remember way back in the olden days when you couldn’t find a good movie about male strippers. It was just criminal, I tell you, walking through the video store, seeing all those quality art films about the lady peelers and nothing about the gentleman rippers. I mean, we could rent The Full Monty and be entertained in that quirky British sort of way, but that is that really equivalent to say, Striptease. But, to be fair, is anything really equivalent to Striptease?
No. Nothing is.
What is fair is that there will be a movie about dude sexy-dancers and this movie will star an actual, bona fide, former burlesque king. I shit you not, Channing Tatum used to peel for money. Channing Tatum of Step Up, G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra, and Dear John fame. Channing Tatum who is set to star in no less than five movies to be released this year, and is currently filming the big screen adaptation of 21 Jump Street. THAT Channing Tatum. If you knew this, pretend you didn’t and give me my moment of discovery.
With the smoldering. He’s so BORED with being hot.
What the fuck are YOU looking at? My hotness? I will CRUSH you with the hotness of my eyes.
*blink, blink* … *blink* Yeah, I don’t see it. Who’d hire THAT guy to take off his clothes for money?
Yeah, so Channing used to be a stripper and everyone knows it except me because I’m not really up on my stripper trivia. I’ve learned my lesson and I will keep myself abreast of all breaking stripper news from here on out. He used to be a stripper and he’s taking his experience to the big screen. Now we’re all caught up.
The movie, which will drag Steven Soderbergh out of early retirement to direct, will be based on Channing’s early beginnings in the entertainment industry. Entitled Magic Mike, the film looks at a male stripper and his young protege. Soderbergh, who vowed to quit movies after filming the upcoming Liberace with Matt Damon and a movie adaptation of Man From U.N.C.L.E. with George Clooney. I guess Magic Mike shows so much promise, it inspired Steven to postpone his days of golfing in Florida (that’s what retired people do, right?). I’m assuming Channing will be shirtless and/or more in the movie, which is really the important part of a stripper movie, am I right?
Now, let me straighten you all out – I’m in no way into dudes dancing all up on me whether they’re clothed or not. I’m not even into dudes dancing far away from me, if they’re looking sweaty and skeevy and staring longingly at my small bills. Call me a prude if you must, but gross. And I’m also not a big, squeely Channing fan. I can name three movies he’s been in and I can’t say I saw or enjoyed any of them. Plus, my husband is totes hotter. But I’m not blind, is all I’m saying. I was given eyes to see and I shall not abuse such a privilege lest the gift ever be taken away.
And it’s about time, says me and the entire straight female/gay male population. How many horrendous movies about female strippers have we had to sit through? Striptease, Showgirls, Burlesque. And the ones that had gratuitous, extended stripper scenes? Sin City, From Dusk Til Dawn, The Wrestler. Where. Are. The. Dudes? Channing is going to right this wrong and we’ll never have to go without again.
Will I see the movie? No. Probably not. I like movies with ‘splosions and/or CGI and I can’t imagine Magic Mike is going to have either one. BUT if it DOES have ‘splosions and/or CGI, someone let me know, k? So I can see it on the BIG SCREEN. But more importantly, will YOU see it? Let me summarize the facts for you so you can make an informed decision – a) Channing Tatum. b) As a stripper. c) In the movie.
To the comments section! Go!