Listen, I’m typically a BRAVO kinda gal. Anything involving Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen gets me excited in virtually every way possible. I was never particularly into The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, mostly because it skeeved me out to see so much bad kissing in one sitting. (Without having had to PAY for the show I’m watching, that is. Ahem.) But this year? HOLY HELL, bring it on Ashley & crew, because this is one of the finest train wrecks I’ve seen in Bachelor/Bachelorette history! (Granted, I’ve only seen like…three seasons ever, but whatevs…not important).
Now let’s start with Ashley herself.
(First, holy photoshop, Batman. And second, holy ugly prom dress Batgirl.)
Let’s recall that Ashley was the third runner up from last year’s The Bachelor which featured Brad Womack. She was kind of insecure because this guy she was trying to marry also happened to be dating all of her 20 roommates, but Brad couldn’t deal with her feelings and basically dumped her ass. What a jerk, right? Well, let’s remember, ALSO, that this Brad character was on ROUND TWO of this Bachelor nonsense. After fucking over a bunch of girls the first time around, he came back again, but this time brought his therapist. (Read: he was a fully-established asshole.) And yet Ashley was STILL crushed when he sent her home.
In other words, she’s clearly well-adjusted and DELIGHTFUL. Especially when she talks. OMG, her voice.
So, that’s Ashley! Now let’s look at the ridiculous bastards that are trying to win her crazy little heart over!
::claps hands for good TV::
Ames
This guy hasn’t yet done too much to turn me off other than dance like a fool in Las Vegas. But at the same time, he kind of looks like a face transplant recipient. (I know, that was so mean and terrible, but if you disagree with me, then you’re probably lying anyway which is ALSO mean and terrible.)
Ben C.
This guy actually seems relatively sweet and put-together. But his eyes? Beady. And his bio? Mentions that he hates his love handles, and could you please photoshop them out before you print pics of me in my swimsuit? Tsk. That’s a shame, Benny boy. I only hope you make it far enough that we get to see you on a beach and watch you frolic awkwardly, clutching a beach towel around your mid-section.
Ben F.
Ben makes his own wine, and even brought Ashley a bottle when they first met. Which…is cute. But something about this dude gives me the wimpy, dweeby vibe. And let’s just say that his online bio is not helping because, HELLO, his favorite book? Is a book about the 80′s metal band, Motley Crue. O…MG. (Fingers crossed that there’s a karaoke episode, amirite?!)
Bentley
And here we have the middle-aged-looking Abercrombie-styled Douche of All Trades. Now, everyone hates the guy because he’s arrogant and super cool and really into his hair and doesn’t even LIKE Ashley but thinks it’s funny that he’s still winning and…OH! And he uses his daughter as a pawn. CUTE! But the thing is that Ashley got a heads up about this guy’s bad intentions before she even started filming. Then, after meeting the guy and falling for his Fierce Body Spray, figured that the tip came from a stupid, selfish bitch anyway. So, while we sit back and watch his super-awkward high-school smoothness wave warning flags all OVER the damn place, Ashley sits on his lap and giggles like an airhead, repeating only his name over and over because, apparently, she’s just been rendered an blubbering idiot by the dude’s lumberjack plaids. (Next week, however, Bentley actually grows the balls to put an end to the charade and Ashely climbs into bed and cries in a manner that suggests she’s actually known him for more than 35 minutes. It’s gonna be AHHHSUM.)
Blake
Aw, now see…Blake seems like he’d be a good match for Ashley because look! He’s a dentist, too! But he seems kind of like a closet Emily-case. In other words, I could totally see him being sweet and charming in public but then going home and screaming his purple shirt off because you didn’t vacuum the bathroom after you brushed your hair. PLUS. When asked who he’d be for a day, if he could pick anyone? DUDE SAID TIGER WOODS. He claims it was for the money and I’m-the-best card, but HAHAHA you know that is totally code for I’M A SEX ADDICT.
Chris D.
Again, Chris is another one of those quiet boys, I think. But the problem I see is that his bio states he’s 25. Dude does NOT look 25. Plus he lives and breathes sports. The combination of these two things can only mean one thing, kids: hardcore drug problem. At least Ashley’s a dentist and can fix his teeth when they fall out. (Aww, Chris, I’m totally kidding. I think it’s just your eyebrows. And your Crayola Burnt Orange shirt. It’s grandpa, dude. Grandpa.)
Constantine
I’m a little worried about Constantine. He looks perpetually…confused. Or something. I’m guessing he thought he was signing up for The Amazing Race or Survivor and this just happens to be one MOTHER of a challenge. Godspeed, Constantine.
J.P.
::kicks dirt::
Hey J.P.!
::blushes::
So…you’re like, in construction?
::twirls hair::
Your eyes…are so…sparkly!
::giggles::
And, like, your smile?
::nervous fart::
What’s that? You want to, ah, FLIP A COIN to kiss me?
::dumps drink on lap::
Dick.
Jeff
Listen, Jeff; this isn’t 10th grade. This isn’t some angsty moment of self-discovery. THIS IS REALITY TELEVISION, my friend. In other words, Jeff: it’s not cute. THE MASK, JEFF. TAKE OFF THE GODDAMN MASK. We don’t live in a world where we care not about looks because (emo face) IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT MATTERS. Fuck that, Jeff. Fuck your insides. Let’s see your goddamn crows feet already. And, Ashley? The fact that she LIKES the idea behind why you’re making an ass out of yourself? This indicates me that she’s not at all actually interested in sex. And that maybe, in the end, you two totally fucking deserve each other.
Lucas
Now, LUCAS. Lucas is a great…guy. He did…lots of…great things. And…is loved…by…many people. And…he wore…shirts…And…
Fuck it. I have no clue who this guy even is. Are you sure he’s actually on this show? (Sorry, Lucas, but I’m thinking this means you’re not going to win.)
Mickey
Mickey started off kind of rough. He instantly tried to round first base before he even said two sentences to Ashley. In other words, he’s probably a full-fledged dirt bag. However, since then, he seems to have tamed down some of that wildfire in his loins. Which, clearly, is all an attempt to hide the fact that he probably has ACTUAL wildfire. In his loins. ::cough:: manwhore ::cough::
Nick
I was kind of hoping this guy would be the Matthew McConaughey of the group, but he hasn’t yet once gotten naked to play any percussion instruments. In fact, the only thing he’s done is demonstrated how to line dance.
::sad trombone::
The only saving grace here is that he used to play for The Yankees. In other words, I hope Ashley gets him drunk and lures out Derek Jeter’s phone number.
Ryan P.
This guy is the cutest thing on the planet, and if Ashley doesn’t choose him, she’s clearly lacking any sense of good judgment and will certainly live a life of unfulfilled dreams. (She can also forget about ever living off the grid. Idiot.)
::waves coyly at Ryan P.::
::shoos husband away from computer::
West
Okay, well the thing is that I *kind* of like West, too, but I feel like he may, in fact, be actually terrified…or something…of Ashley. He just seems so much more…sane? Relaxed? Not…annoying? In fact…why the hell is he on this damn show to begin with? Oh, THAT’S RIGHT. Dead wife. And Ashley was all, “like, omg, West. That’s fucking depressing.”
OH! And the mother of the dead wife? Kind of thinks West did it, because her daughter died in a motherloving bath tub. (His eyes…they suddenly look…kind of terrifying, no?)
William
Oh, William. I do NOT see the sparkle in this boy at all. He first came across as a totally immature goofball, and then, when they had a pretend wedding for their first date? That *kinda* sealed the deal for me. Cherry on top? Was when his Single-White-Male kicked in and he stole Ashley away from someone before the elimination ceremony even AFTER having secured a rose. His voice dropped, his eyes were all droopy, and his body language was all super creepy. In other words, he’s suddenly Super Cling Saran Wrap and OMG I LOVE IT.
Train wreck. All of it. And I’m happily along for the ride from the comfort of my own couch, enduring the criticism of my husband, no less. Totally worth it.
About Kristine
