Two disclaimers before we get started: 1) I somehow totally forgot that the True Blood season premiere was last night and thus felt emotionally unprepared and 2) I don’t have DVR and couldn’t make the 9 p.m. start time so I had to wait and watch the 12 a.m. airing, so I’m a little…punchy today.
Now, with that out of the way…
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS TRUE BLOOD IS BACK! VAMPIRES AND PANTHERS AND WITCHES AND FAIRIES OH MY!
So, all the fairies are hanging out in fairy land and honestly it seems pretty dull. Everyone’s all murmuring and shining and eating “light fruit,” which I would guess isn’t organic, and it kind of looks like what would happen if LiveJournal decided to start a country club. Anyway, Sookie and Claudine arrive in a shiny whoosh, reminiscent of Glenda arriving in Munchkinland. Claudine, it turns out, is Sookie’s godmother…her fairy godmother, of course, and her job is to look after Sookie. Before I can throw anything at the TV, Sookie informs Claudine that she kind of sucks at her job. Barry from the vampire hotel is there with his fairy godfather and gushes to Sookie that this is the one place in the world where they’re not freaks. Claudine laughs at this, but I can’t tell if it’s because Barry’s awe is adorable or if it’s because they’re still freaks even there. Sookie gives the light fruit that everyone is eating the side eye but spots a familiar man chomping on some from a tree. It’s Lumbergh!
But apparently in the True Blood universe Lumbergh is Sookie’s Grandaddy Earl. He’s puzzled by Sookie’s sudden womanhood, since he just saw her last week. But that was actually 20 years ago. Sookie fudges and tells him that Gran passed peacefully. I guess telling him that, in the perceived hours that he’s been gone, his wife was brutally murdered would kind of fuck up his day. Sookie spots a few signs that her suspicions about the place were right, like a shrivelly looking guy lurking around and a rotten light fruit. Sookie telepathically communicates to Lumbergh that this place is a trap and that they need to leave. Why wouldn’t she just whisper that? Can’t they all hear each other’s thoughts? They’re interrupted by the queen of the fairies, Mab, which sets off the Shakespeare alarms in English majors everywhere. She quickly explains that Sookie’s dalliances with Bill have threatened their very existence and vampires are what drove them to this plane of existence in the first place. They’re actually harvesting all of the human/fairy hybrids and Mab demands that Sookie eat a light fruit immediately. Sookie beams Mab away, which shatters the illusion of the pretty fairy world, revealing it to actually be a hideous dessert and all of the fairies are actually ghoulish monsters. Everyone scatters and some kind of light battle ensues. Sookie and Earl run into some rogue fairies who want to help Sookie escape, but they have to hurry because Mab is closing the portal. However, only people who haven’t eaten light fruit can go. At the last second, Lumbergh jumps taking Sookie with him. They land back in the cemetery where Sookie was when Claudine showed up. Lumbergh instantly starts dying from the light fruit. He asks Sookie to take him to Gran’s grave and tells her that he never meant to leave them. He hands her his pocket watch to give to Jason, before turning completely gray and disappearing in a poof of dust. Another traumatic family death for Sookie. Must be a day that ends in “y.”
Sookie marches back to her house and is surprised to find it completely fixed up. She heads inside and one of the workers tells her that she can’t go in there. He threatens to call the police and Sookie tells him to go ahead since she would love an explanation. Jason, who is now a cop, shows up and is stunned to find Sookie alive and well. They all thought that vampire Bill had killed her. Or the tall crazy one. Sookie thinks she’s been gone for two weeks or so, but Jason tells her that she’s been gone for over a year. In that time, he sold the house to a company called AIK because they offered him a ton of money for it. Sookie is still upset that he gave up on her, but Jason is still skeptical about Sookie’s fairy land story. She shows him Granddaddy Lumbergh’s watch, which shuts him up. Noting that it’s now after dark, Sookie steps out on to the porch and Bill zooms up to her immediately and gushes about how empty he was while she was gone. Bill looks…more suave, more full of himself. Eric shows up to, much to Bill’s annoyance, and says, “Everyone who claims to love you gave up on you. I. Never. Did.” Staccato speaking = lurve. Andy arrives and starts screaming at Sookie for, well, being alive because they all thought Bill had killed her. Bill interrupts and says that Sookie was gone on vampire business for Bill and that he deeply apologizes for misleading Andy. Jason grabs the still ranting Andy and shoves him into the police cruiser. Sookie turns to Bill and says that she knows she’s lost a year, but for her it was only an hour or so ago when Bill broke her heart into a million pieces. Inside the cruiser, Jason asks Andy if he’s using again. He protests, but Jason digs around and finds his stashed vial of V. Uh oh.
Lafayette, sporting a Mohawk, and Jesus pull up in front of some place called the Moon Goddess Emporium. Lafayette is irritated with Jesus for insisting that he come here, since he’s gone two months without one of his freaky visions and doesn’t want this place to trigger another. Jesus promises that they won’t stay long. Lafayette agrees to try it for 5 minutes. “10 if they got dranks.” Inside, a coven of witches is sitting in a circle, watching someone who must be the lead witch chant. Holly from Merlotte’s is there, along with someone who I’m pretty sure is Sophie-Anne in a, “I’m getting my MS in Library Science and therefore dabble in Wicca,” costume. There are many bean bag chairs. The head witch calls Lafayette to her and Holly helps to interpret her grunts. Eddie, the vampire who supplied Lafayette with V back in the day, has a message for Lafayette, something about how they drained him but it’s okay. Lafayette is deeply upset by this, thinking that Jesus must have told her about it, and storms out.
Arlene arrives home to find her baby, Mikey, sitting amongst a pile of Barbies whose heads he has removed. Arlene is freaked out and calls Terry in, asking, “What the hell kinda baby does that?” Terry insists that Mikey is just being a boy and that when he was a kid he used to put squirrel heads on lizard bodies and stuff like that. This doesn’t make Arlene feel any better. She gently picks up Mikey and tells him that Mommy loves him very much and that killing is very wrong. Hey, no time for nuance when your kid’s father was a serial killer, you know?
In New Orleans, we get a glimpse of Tara’s new career as a cage fighter. She’s pretty good at it, as she skillfully takes down her opponent and then aggro-screams in victory.
Jessica is watching TV when Hoyt comes home from work. He goes to the fridge and is irritated to find nothing but a carton of eggs and some old pizza and bitches at Jessica for never going grocery shopping or cooking. Jessica reminds him that human food is disgusting to vampires because it’s all dead and that going to the Piggly Wiggly for her is like going to the morgue. Hoyt reminds her that bleeding out into her mouth was gross to him at first but he got used to it. Jessica stomps into the kitchen and smashes a bunch of eggs into a frying pan and then dumps them onto a plate. Hoyt, taking it too far, starts scooping the eggs into his mouth. Jessica’s anger dissolves into laughter and Hoyt snarks that there’s nothing funny about her disgusting cooking.
Back at Sookie’s house, she and Jason sit and watch TV and he tells her that having her back is making him the happiest he’s been in his entire life. Sookie is still a little mad that he sold the house, but they agree to see if they can get it back.
At Fangtasia, Pam is working on an interview about how safe the bar is for humans and Nan from the AVL is irritated with Pam’s characteristic not-giving-a-fuck. Luckily, Eric shows up and replaces her in front of the camera. He suavely highlights all of the good things that Fangtasia has to offer and I’m really not clear what this is for. Is it a commercial? And regardless of the vampire population, isn’t it still a bar and therefore not really a family establishment? Anyway, his shpiel is cut with scenes of Bill at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new retirement home, where he jokes about being eligible to reside in it over a hundred years ago and makes eyes at a lovely young woman from the Chamber of Commerce (I think?) named Portia Belle Fleur, making her maybe related to Andy?
Tara leaves the cage-fighting place and is joined outside by her opponent, Naomi, who is also apparently her girlfriend. A drunken pervert stumbles upon them kissing and offers them a few bucks for a good show. Tara, now going by “Toni,” tells him that she feels sad for him for being so pathetic. She grabs the $20 bill out of his hand and says that that’s for not reporting him for solicitation.
Sookie is warmly greeted by Arlene and Terry at Merlotte’s. Arlene apologizes for thinking she was dead, noting, “You know where my mind went…father of your baby turns out to be a killer…” Lafayette hugs Sookie and teases her to text a motherfucker next time so they don’t all go insane with worry. Sookie asks if Tara’s working but Lafayette tells her that she moved away and he’s not sure where. Sam is still prickly with Sookie but hires her back part-time.
Jesus visits Lafayette in the kitchen and he’s still pissed for taking him to meet that witch, Marnie, but Jesus insists that she found Eddie on her own. Lafayette is still resistant and says that he got by just fine without magic, but Jesus says that he would hate to see him run away from the thing that makes him special. Which…ew. Wasn’t Lafayette pretty special before he turned out to be a witch, Jesus? Andy bursts into the kitchen and says that he needs a word with Lafayette in private. Andy presses him for V for an “undercover” operation but Lafayette insists that his stash was taken from him in Hot Shot. Andy starts to freak out but Jason interrupts and drags him out. “Sorry, musta got my drag queens mixed up,” bumbles Andy. Jason begs for Lafayette’s discretion in his special Jason way by saying, “I’m not saying that nothing happened just now, but if something happened…nothing happened.” Jason’s logic probably has the same effect as the mind scramblers in the Men in Black movies. I know I have a headache now.
Tommy and Hoyt’s mom walk into Merlotte’s and order biscuits. Tommy is sporting a leg brace and Sam asks how his physical therapy that he’s footing the bill for is working out. Tommy asks Sam how his anger management is going. I ask why the hell Tommy is hanging out with Hoyt’s mom now.
Tara…excuse me, Toni, and Naomi are rolling around in bed when Lafayette texts her about Sookie being back. Tara tells Naomi a lie about her grandmother dying but shrugs off Naomi’s suggestion that she go home to Atlanta. Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Sookie meets with Portia about her house and this AIK company sounds extremely shady. Sookie reads Portia’s thoughts which are judgmental of her and kind of bitchy on Bill’s behalf. What’s up with those two, I wonder?
Jessica is flopping about on the dancefloor while Hoyt gets them drinks and she catches the attention of a fellow patron. He’s a cute young guy with a huge…jugular. Hoyt rejoins Jessica on the dancefloor while she continues to eye the hottie. She rushes to the bathroom much to Hoyt’s confusion. Pam knocks on the stall door and reminds her that the toilets are for humans and does she need to explain why. Pam is amused at Jessica’s attempt at a normal date night with Hoyt, whom she refers to as a tree in a plaid shirt, noting that eyefucking fangbangers isn’t very romantic. Jessica insists that she’s happy with Hoyt and him alone but Pam presses her to admit to her more vampiric ways.
Sam is having dinner with a group of people and talking about the issues in his life. He wants to open another bottle of wine but they have a better option available to them. They start removing their clothes. Orgy? No! Horsey time! They gallop off into the woods. It’s all fun and games til someone ends up at the glue factory.
Jason delivers food to all of the uncle-brothers at Hot Shot. While checking on the broken chest freezer, someone hits him in the head and pushes him inside and locks it.
Back at the Moon Goddess Emporium, Jesus and Lafayette join the coven as they surround Marnie’s bird, Minerva, which has recently ceased to be. The coven thinks they’re there to wish Minerva safe passage to the next world, but Marnie suddenly starts talking about bringing her back to life. She demands that Lafayette join hands with the rest of them. When he does, a jolt goes through the group. The bird comes back to life and flies for a few seconds before dropping dead again. “Sorry after all that trouble your bird is still dead,” says Lafayette, but Marnie cackles and says that it doesn’t matter.
After the coven meeting, the woman who I suspected of being Sophie-Anne turns out to actually be Sophie-Anne. She approaches some heavily armed guards outside of a mansion and says that the king is expecting her. She sits down in front of Bill in his opulent office.
Sookie gets ready for bed and is surprised by Eric’s sudden appearance in her room. She reminds him that she rescinded his invitation, but he reminds her that she doesn’t own the house anymore. He does. He always knew she was alive and that if he owned the house he would own her. “You. Are. Mine.” Ugh, he seems like the most irritating landlord ever.