Internet, are you sitting down? Do you have a Xanax on hand and a nice frosty glass of vodka at the ready? Because these are all requirements if you’re planning to watch the season premiere of Teen Mom 3 tonight while keeping your sanity and will to live intact.
The amount of dysfunction in this photo is second only to the amount of self-tanner.
After featuring an all new cast of young mothers for the second season of Teen Mom, MTV has decided to return the reality spotlight to the four ladies of the first season: Farrah Abraham, Catelynn Lowell, Maci Bookout, and the especially troubled Amber Portwood. FACT: I am way too emotionally invested in these ladies’ lives to turn away now, having watched their struggles since the 16 and Pregnant days. ALSO FACT: I do not know if I have the mental fortitude to watch another season of their fuckups and heartbreaks, especially when their increasingly aware toddlers are taking the brunt of it. OVERRIDING FACT: I will totally be watching this season.
George and I offer no apologies for who we are. Although I would like to apologize for that shirt.
You can watch the Season 3 trailer here, although it doesn’t really give you any indication of what’s in store. The girls seem to be suffering from more of the same ol’ drama, and the babies are getting older — that’s about it. Some Internet research, however, turns up some more detail about this season’s teen mama drama, which I feel I must pass along to you. This show airs too late at night for you to be caught unawares by a pregnancy scare or the acquisition of a somewhat unsettling tattoo.
I AM NOT SAYING, I AM JUST SAYING.
Farrah still seems eager to break away from the clutches of her mother, but she’s even more eager to get the boob job that she believes will boost her modeling career (SIGH). SPOILER ALERT: she totally gets the breast augmentation, and apparently shares her experience with the surgery throughout the season. There’s not a whole lot of info to be gleaned about her daughter Sophia, except for a few short cameos in the trailer — one of which shows her teetering atop the toilet while unsupervised, and HOLY GOD FARRAH, please prove to me that you will pay more attention to your child and less to your rack in the future, KTHX.
I don’t know what I find more distracting: the boobs or the bangs.
Maci (who has ALSO had a boob job, WTF?!) is still struggling with her asshat baby-daddy Ryan while working to build her relationship with boyfriend Kyle. She still seems like a loving and attentive mom to Bentley, which means that…her story is pretty much the same as it was the last we saw her. I have to wonder if there will be any mention of Maci’s friendship with Bristol Palin (SIIGGGHH), but I’m guessing not.
They apparently became buddies while rubbing elbows at abstinence-themed events, which — as you can imagine — are pretty rockin’ occasions. Whatever, Maci. Just don’t believe her when she tells you that the floral tapestry look is hot.
Catelynn and Tyler are STILL struggling with their less-than-desirable parents and their decision to put their baby up for adoption. Catelynn hasn’t graduated from high school but is hoping to move into an apartment with Tyler. Look, I think that most of America would co-sign on that lease. Anything to get the poor girl away from her mother already, DAMN.
Don’t worry, Catelynn. I’m sure she’ll still meet you at the mall to emotionally abuse you while you try on prom dresses (WHICH HAPPENED, OMG. Now rethinking my decision to watch Season 3). (Totes still watching.)
And Amber? Well, Season 3 won’t be able to capture all of her latest trials and tribulations, but we will apparently see her trying to decide to salvage her relationship with Gary (AGAIN) or to pursue greener pastures with boyfriend Chris. Since we haven’t heard anything about Chris lately, I’m assuming he gets left by the wayside (probably for your own good, Chris). There is a lightning quick shot of a bow tie-clad lawyer (fancy!) telling Amber about the possibility of baby Leah being taken from her for good (as well as Gary threatening — once again — to make this happen), but it’s unclear how much of this custody drama actually gets aired.
I don’t care if it makes for terrible television, JUST GET BETTER SOON, PLZ.
The Teen Mom Season 3 premiere airs tonight on MTV at 10pm ET.
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