It’s the fantasy suite episode! Bachelorette fans on the east coast were witness to The Most Dramatic Interruption in Bachelorette History, so for those of you who had your reality tv fix cut short by breaking political news, I’m here to help pick up the pieces. Of recapping The Bachelorette. The nation’s debt problems . . . I’ve got nothing to offer there. Let’s talk about Ashley!
Ashley is down to only three guys, and the foursome has traveled to the gorgeous islands of Fiji where Ashley will have the chance to “kick the tires” with her top choices in a romantic hotel suite. Or will she? As it turns out, one of the guys just isn’t that into her. But we’ll get to that part in a moment.
At the beginning of the show, we were treated to a montage of Ashley’s relationship with each of the remaining guys, where five or six clips of dates with each guy is supposed to represent a relationship that we (and she) should be emotionally invested in. Except that I continue to have difficulty distinguishing between Ben and Constantine. In fact, I think until last week I thought they were the same person. They’re both tall, they both have longer brown hair, they both have VERY DEVELOPED PECTORAL MUSCLES highlighted by overly-tight cotton-spun tees, they both say words that come out of their mouth and the pecs are below . . .
Yeah, I can’t tell them apart.
Anyways, after a montage of Benstantine and JP picking Ashley up and twirling her around and some philosophical pining from Ashley as she talks about her “crazy journey to find love”, we get to the first item of drama for the week: RYAN’S BACK!
As it turns out, Ryan just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something between them, and that he needed another chance. So he flew to Fiji to find out. (Um, Ryan? Wouldn’t a phone call have left a smaller carbon footprint?) Poor Ryan. He’s one of those enigmatic guys who is totally hot and yet has absolutely no sex appeal. Is there a name for that? Here she has a nice, sweet good-looking guy throwing himself at her, and she’s not feeling it. He’s sincere, he’s kind, he loves the environment, and she’s still pining for the asshole. WHY, GOD? WHY??? Why did you wire us to like Ben over Noel? Billy Joe Armstrong over Josh Groban? Why are we more attracted to the rock star wearing leather cuffs and sleeping until 11am than the sensible middle-school math teacher who teaches Sunday School? WHY ARE DOUCHEBAGS SO DAMN ATTRACTIVE?
(To Ashley. I’m strictly talking about Ashley here. Not myself. *cough*)
Although, I must say that Ryan was very convincing about the tankless water heater last week. I’m totally switching over.
After some awkward groveling from Ryan, Ashley heads out on a date with one of the tall guys with the pecs and the long hair. Ben. It’s Ben. We got to to watch some kinky suntan-lotion rubbing. Bom chicka bom bom. (Whenever I apply sunblock to my husband, I straddle him, too). I’m on a boat!
Dinner with Ben seemed to go well – he seemed really sincere and into Ashley, though it was hard for me to focus because the microphone pack Ben was wearing made it appear that he was rocking some Spanx underneath his gauzy white sweater. NOT THAT I WOULD JUDGE HIM IF WE WAS.
Ben was struggling with telling Ashley how he felt so he went with the romantic, “I’m on my way to the whole I love you thing.” That’s okay with Ashley, because she’s hoping tonight Ben will SHOW HER HOW HE FEELS. Aw, yeah. Fantasy suite in da house. Ashley pulls out the card, Ben pretends to be surprised, and I wonder to myself if the next fantasy date is the very next night or if Ashley gets a night off in between all of this shackin’ up.
Cut to Ryan, walking around the beach looking forlorn.
And then, cut back to Ben. No, wait! Damn. It’s Constantine.
Date number two is underway, and it’s not going so well. Ashley’s feeling frustrated that things aren’t moving as quickly for them. She’s a little annoyed with Constantine’s pesky habit of thinking things through before making big life decisions. She explains that this is kind of a problem with the pacing of the show and all.
At dinner, things are more tense. No one is eating. They haven’t even taken a sip of their frozen margaritas, not that I’m obsessing or anything SOMEONE TAKE A DRINK. Constantine admits he’s not feelin’ it and makes his exit. Ashley looks off into the distance and wonders if she’ll ever find love. . .
The next morning, Ryan gets dumped. Again. He looks forlorn and confused and does a bit more crying that, again, should be endearing but actually makes me like him less.
Now it’s time for Ashley’s date with JP, the cute construction manager from New York. JP and Ashley grope each other in the water for a bit, and then Ashley tries to convince JP that he should try not to feel jealous or be concerned that she is dating someone else. In other words, “try not to have any normal human emotions in this week leading up to the time when you might propose to me. IF I PICK YOU.”
JP and Ashley got friendly in the fantasy suite, and unless there was some majorly hot action that was edited out of the date with Ben, my money is on JP for the finale.
Even though Constantine’s departure made the need for a rose ceremony obsolete, the producers went ahead with one anyway to make sure there was time for the obligatory dramatic musical interludes and overly-edited close-up shots. Both the guys accepted the rose, and Ashley announced that next week they would be meeting her family.
Tune in on Sunday for the Men Tell All episode, where we get to hear more douchey quotes from Bentley, like “I just want you to know, I’m better in bed than all the other guys.” Sure you are, Bentley. Sure you are.