I’m guessing his logic is something like, “Well if that Phil guy gets to be a doctor, then why not me?”
Or something.
Actually, the story is that Ozzy Osbourne is releasing a health book because he’s a medical freak. More or less. The book, titled Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy, is scheduled to be released on October 11th and is co-authored by Chris Ayres. (This will be Ozzy’s second book, the first an autobiography titled, I Am Ozzy.)
I…I think he’s asleep.
The tag line is “advice from rock’s ultimate survivor.” Something along the lines of how Ozzy is a “medical marvel,” and that this is the story of someone that “abused his body and lived to tell about it.” Ozzy is known for his decades-long drug problem (four decades, to be precise) and multiple near-death experiences. The book, therefore, is full of Ozzy’s suggestions on how to become superhuman and stay alive.
And I’m guessing people are actually going to buy this shit. (If you’re one of those people, you can pre-order the masterpiece on Amazon for about $17.)
But, as much as I hate to admit it, there is actually some precedence here. You may or may not know that Ozzy Osbourne was part of some fancy genetic testing last year. One of the only people in the world to undergo such tests, Ozzy’s entire DNA was mapped in an effort to study his body’s resilience to years of abuse and damage. Researchers hoped to learn how someone’s DNA can affect the body’s ability to…rally, I guess…despite multiple and sustained attempts to poison the fuck out of it. The company in charge of the study, Knome, an American-based genomics center, took the blood sample in June of last year. Nathan Pearson, the directer of the study, stated that, “Sequencing and analyzing individuals with extreme medical histories provides the greatest potential scientific value.” While the results can’t really indicate why Ozzy isn’t currently a corpse, they might point in the direction of variations of genes that can boost organs’ endurance. Pearson explains:
“Maybe we will find a new variant in a gene that’s expressed in Ozzy’s liver, and that gene may already be implicated in detoxifying some class of drugs. Finding that may not be a smoking gun in figuring out what makes Ozzy tick, but it might be something that a scientist can follow up on. They’re taking someone who’s healthy, who should have disease, and looking at that. What’s in the DNA, and what does it have that others don’t have?”
Apparently the results concluded that dude is a fucking freak—a genetic anomaly. Nothing about the incomprehensible mumbling, however.
Moments before he bit the dog’s head off.
While the book doesn’t really outline the nature or results of these tests, it does launch itself from this perspective of medical marvel. Ozzy offers advice with charts and graphs and even addresses fellow celebrity questions. The publisher describes the book as follows:
“Wondering if science could explain how he survived his 40-year avalanche of drugs and alcohol, Ozzy Osbourne became one of a handful of people in the world to have his entire DNA mapped in 2010. It was a highly complex, $65,000 process, but the results were conclusive: Ozzy is a genetic anomaly. The “Full Ozzy Genome” contained variants that scientists had never before encountered and the findings were presented at the prestigious TEDMED Conference in San Diego-making headlines around the world. The procedure was in part sponsored by The Sunday Times of London, which had already caused an international furor by appointing Ozzy Osbourne its star health advice columnist. The newspaper argued that Ozzy’s multiple near-death experiences, 40-year history of drug abuse, and extreme hypochondria qualified him more than any other for the job. The column was an overnight hit, being quickly picked up by Rolling Stone to give it a global audience of millions. In TRUST ME, I’M DR. OZZY, Ozzy answers reader’s questions with his outrageous wit and surprising wisdom, digging deep into his past to tell the memoir-style survival stories never published before-and offer guidance that no sane human being should follow. Part humor, part memoir, and part bad advice, TRUST ME, I’M DR. OZZY will include some of the best material from his published columns, answers to celebrities’ medical questions, charts, sidebars, and more.”
Ozzy, born in 1948 in England, is now 62 and a self-proclaimed health nut. And while I find myself slightly intrigued by his ability to survive, it’s obvious that his consumption of kale and soy protein has little to nothing to do with it. If anything, I’m more inclined to start shooting heroin and chugging four bottles of cognac per day and suggesting that my two children do the same. Why not get a head start?!
I mean, if it worked for Ozzy, right?!
About Kristine Cook
