Preemptive Snarky Reviews Of The Movies Of Fall 2011

The Fall is known as the dumping ground for Hollywood. It’s where movies go to die. If it’s not big enough to be a summer hit or good enough for Oscar bait, it’s sent to August-September. And in this economy, how can you, the busy parent, know which movie will be good enough to spend hundreds of dollars on for babysitter-hiring, fancy dinner-eating, and movie ticket and concession-purchasing? I’ll tell you, that’s how.

Using my special powers, I will provide you with psychic reviews of the movies of the fall of 2011, saving you time, money, and sanity.

• Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – The darkened theater floor is scarier.
• Colombiana – You know it’s bad if Halle Berry turned it down.
• Our Idiot Brother – Rain Man times Forrest Gump plus Paul Rudd minus good writing and charm.
• Apollo 18 – The moon is indeed made of cheese.  And cliches.
• Shark Night 3D – How you know that 3D has jumped the . . . pile of shit.
• Warrior – More like Bore-ior.
• Contagion – A surprisingly effective infomercial by the manufacturers of Purell.
• Straw Dogs – The movie where Eric from True Blood shows that he peaked in Zoolander.
• Drive – The good news is that there’s nudity in it. The bad news is that it’s Albert Brooks.
• Abduction – The movie where Taylor Lautner (Jacob from Twilight) shows that he peaked before he opened his mouth.
• Dolphin Tale – A movie with a cyborg dolphin that doesn’t end in bloodshed and Dolphin Armageddon?  Yawn.
• Moneyball – Half as funny as Field of Dreams but with the dramatic gravitas of Major League.
• 50/50 – A cancer movie designed to make you cry and cringe at the fact that Seth Rogen only has one serious acting face.
• Dream House – This is a movie that star Daniel Craig might call his “buy an island in the South Pacific” movie where he can avoid people who actually paid money to see it.
• What’s Your Number? – Will the amazingly attractive male and female friends who are looking for love figure out that they’re perfect for each other?  Or will this movie buck decades of predictably ridiculous scenarios in the interest of telling an actual story?  WHAT DO YOU THINK?
• The Ides of March – George Clooney, please stop trying to be artsy.
• Real Steel – Wolverine plays with life-size Rock-em Sock-em Robots.  No, really.  This is a thing.
• Footloose – Proof that lightning doesn’t strike twice. Unless it’s shit movie lightning.
• The Thing – Another remake? Don’t fuck with JC, man.  John Carpenter, of course.