[Volume 7] A Non-Exhaustive But Pretty Comprehensive Collection of Images from the Tubes that will Make You Cry-Laugh

This week was all about everything.  Up and down, back and forth, losing sight, gaining insight.  Spectacular FAIL and kicking down doors to unfail.  And then, my faith was restored by perma-smile.  There’s nothing quite like genuinely happy people and it’s not very often you get to participate or see it in action.  All is love.  (I’m that girl in that one picture in the slideshow of the first link.)

This week is dedicated to life.  Specifically the screwed up ones where you can never manage to get it right.  (Amirite?  HOLLA!)

THIS IS HOW I FAIL AT LIFE.

Volume 7 is brought to you by sharks, invisible dance partners, looking at things that look like things, missing things, supporting all the things, baby hate, surprise buttsecks and motherfucking goats. Also, excuse me, what the fuck are you doing?

SHARK YOU ARE IN MY WAY.

This is a riff, of course on the original and very spectacular “FUCK YOU SHARK YOU ARE DRUNK.”  And considering I (allegedly!) danced with a table—not on, WITH—at the Sparklecorn party last Friday, I’m certain if there were photo evidence I could copy both of the shark memes and still be accurate: “FUCK YOU STACY YOU ARE DRUNK.” (Yes, that is absolutely correct.)  ”EXCUSE ME – I WAS TRYING TO NOT MAKE MY EYES BLEED.”  (Probably, yes.)  I wasn’t actually dancing with the table.  I just had an invisible dance partner.

This bear knows what I’m talking about. Bears always do.

And of course the next day I told the Jebuddha if I could just have relief from this one headache, I would never drink again.

I don’t think he believed me.  History, it tends to repeat itself.

I could spare no moments. He could not spare me pain.

Also true?:

Yep.

* * *

EXCUSE ME, WTF ARE YOU DOING?  Ever have these moments?  Neither do I.  And I have never danced with a table, ever.

Only he and the meth pipe know.

Sharks are polite but direct. And it’s a valid question.

I say this ALL THE TIME.

Sharks in space?  Excuse me, but…actually, let me join you in space.  I want off this ride.

* * *

Psst…

Dear Kid: Made you look! Also, hello.

EXCUSE ME, BUT LET ME RUIN YOUR CHILDHOOD BY MAKING YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS.

However:

I mean. Really. Don’t.

Just shit your pants like that kid did off camera.  Oh, parents!  You so funny.

* * *

You know what I hate?  BABIES.  You know what, fuck them.

FUCK YOU BABY YOU ARE DRUNK.

And kids in general!  Auggggh!!

I don’t. I really have no idea.

But the thing is, they always get you in the end.  *shaking fist*

I still have scars. Zack Galifinakis baby was going to eat me. MONSTER!

* * *

You know, whatever it is that you’re doing?  You’re doing it wrong.

So many unanswered questions, I can’t even.

At first I was like, “Huh?” and then I was all, “No I was right the first time…huh?”

I heard a story this week about a friend’s husband finding in a Grand Central Station bathroom a man washing his balls.  I am still trying to process this.  I did receive more information I requested (demanded), but I still.  I suggested the man had a freakish mutation that elasticized his balls like that stretchy lanyard I use for my work badge.  Evidence points to no.

Washing your balls in a public bathroom: doing it wrong?  I submit YES.

This is actually an understatement because what??

And I know you’re all sad and emotional and shit, but…um.

DON’T DO IT!

You’re just really making things uncomfortable, here.

* * *

And speaking up there about life being uncertain…guess who got off lucky?

One step? Those fuckers.

GOATS!  MOTHERFUCKING GOATS!

Goats are assholes.

* * *

I’m reading this post as I write it and I think something is missing but I can’t figure out what, exactly.

Have you seen whatever is missing?

It’s too bad about the reward money, too.  It must be pretty terrible wherever the missing things went missing from.

You know what’s wanted?

THIS.

YES! BECAUSE FUCK THOSE OCTOPUSSIES.

And you know you want it too.  Octopi are jerks.

OCTOPUS YOU ARE DRUNK

See?

* * *

Meanwhile…

Meanwhile…in Pants-Shitting Hilariousness

It’s funny because it’s true.  It’s things that look like things!

The recipe, it’s SEKRIT.

HA HA!  Would you look at this!

LOOK AT IT. HARD. LOOK AT THE DUCK NOW.

Meanwhile, while you’re looking at things:

NOW look. Look at what you did!

I see what you did there.  You done fucked up, son.

* * *

You know what sucks?

Suddenly…SURPRISE!

Suprise Buttsecks, that’s what sucks.  You think it sounds so novel, so much fun.  Until it happens to YOU.

I think they’re bonding.

* * *

Oh, and NEVER FORGET:

SUPPORT IT. EVERYTHING. ALL THE THINGS.

Or else.

* * *

MOTHERFUCKING GOATS!

But this story?  This one right here that you’re reading right now?  This one has a happy ending!  It’s Friday!  We’re (hopefully) cry-laffing!  And you’re going to come back next week because you support all the things including this thing!  And you can catch up or revisit anytime!

Oh, before I go for the week, I just wanted to tell you:

No, really. Niiiiiiice.

See you next week for Volume 8.  8 weeks!  This is the biggest commitment I’ve ever stuck with, excluding my hairstylist.

^{Remember, you can tweet me if you have images you’d like added to the collection! Or just tell me I have nice underwear. TELL ME.}

Read More: Tubes Cry-Laugh Archives

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