Well, so this week was really something, wasn’t it? Weather has been happening and the crazy homeless lady (Mary) at the end of the block at that place is muttering about the apocalypse and we’re barely breathing a sigh of relief that all of the things are OVER and there is a HOLIDAY coming up, on which we will be celebrating and honoring the people who battled horrific working conditions so we could have a half or four hour liquid lunch, which you’re either about to enjoy or have just finished. Celebration, indeed. YOU ARE DRUNK. And it is awesome, because you are a fun drunk, unless you’re drinking on the Jack Daniel’s because that makes you piss yourself and it’s awkward for everyone involved. We all want you to stop doing that, please.
Ever been so tired you’re hyper? So hungry you want to ralph? Have you ever felt terrible physical pain but then pressed down on it/yanked out the thing/some other shudder-inducing moment so it would hurt worse, but at least you would have experienced the worst and anything else is easy peasy because you’re done with the agonizing part? Ever been so involved in hedge clipping that your clippers end up IN YOUR EYE SOCKET AND THROUGH YOUR SKULL? No? Fucking loser. Motherfucking extreme hedge clipping, bitches. This week was pretty much the equivalent of that: just tottering around doing nuthin’ much except enjoying the fuck out of your hedges, maybe whistling a kicky tune, and then suddenly your hedge clippers are STUCK IN YOUR FACE.
And whilst this week is equivalent of getting PWND by hedge clippers, this week is brought to you by natural disasters, how you are doing, your annoying childhood internet friend, Tyrone Biggums, Omar, NEVER FORGETTING, misunderstood douchebags (not including Gwenyth Paltrow), stupid kids, scaring kids, doing WHAT with kids??! and MOTHERFUCKING POOPING CORN, BITCHES.
Did you know Gwenyth Paltrow is a hero of ALL OF THE THINGS? Even 9/11. Yep. She was right there in New York, side-by-side with the brave public service heroes. Except, wait. She probably just took someone’s cab.
Or very nearly ran you over, killing you by way of her SUV during the horrifying events of 9/11. HERO.
Now I just found out there’s been a 6.8 earthquake in Alaska, prompting a brief tsunami warning. WTF is going on? You know what? There have been a lot of things going on lately in connection with Bad Things and Creepy Events or, simply, earth shit. I remember feeling my first earthquake. I had just moved to California, the ground moved—it kind of rolled a little bit, maybe—and I actually had to think about whether I had had anything to drink that would make me feel woozy. (No, I had not had even a sip.) Turns out it was an earthquake and that’s what that one and a few others felt like: STACY YOU ARE SLIGHTLY BUZZED AND STOOD UP TOO FAST. But that was in California. I’m a Detroit girl. We don’t have that kind of shit out here yonder and past.
Except we do, I guess, and you can count on the internets to be dicks about the ensuing fear and confusion. They teased and taunted the East Coasters and all of us told them to shove it up their asses because we don’t freak out and close down all of the things when we see a snowflake. Oh, memories. NEVER FORGET.
But I think everyone can admit that some of the mocking was pretty fucking funny. Sarcastic jerks, they’re the real heroes. The world will be burning, and some asshole on the internet is going to spout off something funny you wish you had thought of first. But then you are on fire and there are suddenly other things to think about first.
AND THEN!!@! A hurricane where? We’re all familiar with the devastation of a hurricane, what with the many that have happened over the years. But…where was this hurricane, again? OF COURSE. You know, in that East Coast area where THERE ARE NEVER ANY HURRICANES, EVER.
The internet tubes were unharmed. And surely the internets would never make fun of an event that warranted mandatory evac- oh.
“HA HA UR IN A HURRICANE LIKE THE DEVASTATING ONE IN THE TERLET CAUSED BY MY BOWELS JUST NOW. Also, your terlet is broken. Oh, and here comes a hurricane because they are hilarious.”
Okay. I peed a little. Oh, internets. You so funny. It’s like a little monster with the teefs!
And actually, this is fairly accurate, which is just turrible. TURRIBLE.
But what about Irene??! COME ON, IRENE! You picked the wrong ass day to quit taking amphetamines.
And the jokes then spread to Frontline documentary proportions, or like the gonorrhea that one football player in that one grade at that high school you may or may not have gone to. Which is to say: EVERYWHAR.
Even the Jersey Shore was affected. But…justifiably so.
It’s a national disaster.
* * *
I never claimed to be “on the pulse” of the trends, I just post pictures and shit that make me laugh.
Or sigh, wistfully, at the days when one could lose one’s self in a little television program called The Wire. Fans, these are for you. For absolutely no reason at all.
Stringer Bell started the “Successful Black Man” meme, which I haven’t had time to discuss yet. But. Inelastic. Yes. Just like I wish his underpants were, so they could never stay in place.
Speaking of a situation in which one man might lower his underpants and someone else may crouch—fuck. Nevermind.
Do not FUCK WITH A MAN TAKING HIS GRANDMOM TO CHURCH, MOTHERFUCKERS. That’s not the way the game is played, son. Omar will school you. (And then he’ll give you a tug job.) (HEY-O!)
This is the winning face of “HELLO, I’M SOMEONE WHO GIVES NO FUCKS. ZERO.”
But this guy’s face is priceless.
Drop it, already. It’s just the game.
* * *
If we’re friends, you might know (and find intolerable) I do enjoys me some gifs. Sometimes words just will not do.
That’s when you pull out a gif and send, letting it speak for you, hilariously. Don’t like it?
DEAL WITH IT.
I was a virgin giffer before I was LoLhaned.
But OF COURSE the internets would bring the Justin Bieber into all of the things, because I think he was born in a test-internet-tube and you cannot escape this…whatever it is. Mayhaps I’m An Old and just out of touch, but all I ever see him do is project a level of smugness that is completely inappropriate for such a youngster. You have to earn that shit.
But it’s even better when they whip out the Deal With It Sunglasses Snap and Eyebrow Raise Head Jerk. That is a smooooov move. Do not try it unless you have earned it. Except if you’re Paul Rudd, in which case you can do anything you want, including come to my house and…uh…clip my hedges? No. Wait. NOT THAT.
And, so goeth the old saw, there’s always a variation of the meme.
Always just one…step…farther.
And you just spoke those words like Jerry Seinfeld.
But this here internet tubes, we know no boundary! The joke just goes deeper and deeper.
And yeah. This.
Sigh. But a laffy-sigh.
I wish I coud know the person who created this next variation, because IT. IS. AWESOME.
And you just shrieked “Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh” in your head. I know you did.
And, like me in real life, someone will always see the line, know what the line means, and yet hurl one’s self so absolutely far over that line that nobody quite knows what to say.
Oh, shut up! You laughed!
* * *
Guess what? This post will never end. Why? Because there will always be a douchebag to mock. Just one more! Please! This one is very similar to the Good Intentioned Dating Site Guy you saw a few weeks ago.
I AM GOING TO SLIT YOUR
…bag of potato chips, because it appears the bag just will not open.
Introducing The Misunderstood Douchebag.
FUCK!!!!! There apparently is a time where you can’t deliver a swift asskicking to someone wearing Ed Hardy. GODDAMMIT, GRANDMA!
Quoth a well-known philosopher king, “PROTECT YA NECK.”
From sunburn, Jesus. You’re far too fair skinned for this sunlight.
Cool story, bro. No, really. I totally give several fucks.
* * *
Let’s see what’s going on over there:
Yep. And when I heard there was a petition to PROHIBIT Nickelback from playing somewhere I thought of this and laffed and laffed and laffed.
It’s funny because it’s true.
* * *
You probably sent your little snowflake off to school this week or maybe the week before or next week or WHO GIVES A FUCK?
Besides this kid? AAAHAHAH, abject terror of the unknown and being away from the people who have taken care of you all of your years is fucking hilar. CRY ABOUT IT.
Um. I actually did.
Well, well. Lookee here. Omar built a statue!
No. Really. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS???! And WHY IS IT???!
Kids are fun because they hurt themselves hilariously. Any other time? Total snooze.
And they don’t do shit around the house, either. Like this asshole:
HA HA I am absolutely kidding. Babies are not assholes, ever.
Because then they’d be like this:
And that scares the fuck out of me.
* * *
So I decided that this week, instead of the Obligatory Shark and the Mandatory Bear references, I’d just go ahead and make extra fun of the chirrens. In honor of all of the kids going back to school, I would like you to take a journey with me back to your own childhood. Won’t you join me?
Remember your fucking terrible annoying childhood friend? The one EVERYONE has in all of the places and in every of the wheres? Yeah.
Someone else remembered this and then made a meme about it and then it went fucking viral because everyone knows this asshole. And yeah, I said it. This kid? TOTAL ASSHOLE. I don’t care if he’s somewhere around 10 years old or something, I don’t know how to tell, what am I, a scientist?!
Someone has an axe to grind, and he’s probably slim and enjoys a sporting game of soccer ball.
And, as always:
And then, when his waterworks have ended and no one is paying attention to him [or her] anymore, your Annoying Childhood Friend did something like this:
Um. I used a hanger wrapped in pantyhose and a slug.
FUCK. I was this kid once. Was fat.
DAMMIT, QUIT DOING THAT.
What these kids need is some old-fashioned pants-shitting terror:
Also, nice pajamas. DURR.
* * *
Speaking of the chirrens, here’s one in what appears to be…what the fuck is going on here?
Thank GOD that shoe doesn’t have tassels because that would make me NEVER STOP LAUGHING. [Mens: tassles on your shoes. Do not.]
I was just snarking about a friends fucked up hair this week when this happened. [APK, this one's for you.]
And I was served.
By a hair bird.
Because the bird bird bird the bird is the word.
* * *
Random acts of WTF, WHY??!
I don’t…I can’t even…WHY is this?
Also, this is deserving of a Facepalm WHY, because…sigh. Really? Did no one see this? REALLY??
Do it. You’ll like it.
POOP ALL OF THE CORN.
* * *
Ever been so mad…
…that something happened that is so absolutely fascinating to someone trying to figure out what the fuck happened? I am trying to reconstruct this and I just can’t. Does that mean all of the arguments are invalid?
You know what, I am getting sick of this shit. You just take and take and take, don’t you?
WHAT ABOUT ME? WHEN IS IT TIME FOR ME??
Because everyone wanted everyone else to stop fucking saying it, asshole. People still say this, so I will never ask how…I will never ask to hear about the current state of your person.
Well, that’s that.
Nice game, bitches.
Let’s have some motherfucking pancakes.
Next week, according to the maths, will be week 11. Have a good one, and don’t judge a book by its cover, because that Prince cat can really ball. In other words, all of your arguments, they are invalid.
Remember, you can tweet me if you have images you’d like added to the collection! Or just chase me around with dog poop on pantyhose after you pooped that corn. Poop. Say it. POOP.