Well, it’s the Tuesday after Labor Day, and you know what that means: you can no longer wear white, and it’s time to talk about all the movies you watched at the advent of adolescence that made you feel funny down there.
Truth.
No matter how much sex ed you get in school, no matter how open your parents are about answering your questions (assuming you’re actually brave enough to ask any), there are certain things that can only be learned by watching actors pretend to do them.
Unfortunately, this may lead to some unrealistic expectations. I cannot tell you how disappointed I was when I took that pottery class at Vacation Bible School.
For kids of my generation who came of age in the 80s and early 90s, access to HBO or Cinemax was crucial to developing into a respectable, sexually-informed teenager who could craft a proper blow job joke. We didn’t have the Internet yet, see, so we had to rely on the likes of Rob Lowe and Kim Basinger to teach us where to put all our sexy parts.
(Saxophone and bat-covered tank top optional.)
Unfortunately for me, my parents shunned those channels, forcing me to rely on the kindness of friends with more liberal parents for my exposure to quality, late-night cinema. Sleepovers were basically screening parties for Pretty Woman and whatever other R-rated movies we could find. Oh, and then there was the friend I had in fifth grade whose mother always let us rent any movie we wanted at the video store. This is what you might call a game-changer.
At the time, I think we just called it AWESOME.
I’ve chosen five movies that were instrumental in ushering me through my pre-pubescent curiosity to the other side of adolescence, and I’m going to share them with you here. Mom, if you’re reading, I promise you that you did not give me permission to watch any of these movies, so you may continue to believe that you did not contribute in any way to the deflowering of your daughter’s mind.
1. The Sound of Music. Oh. Uh, Mom? Nevermind what I just said. I was absolutely given permission to watch this movie whenever it was on TV, and I know, I KNOW you are wondering how in the hell I could have gotten any kicks out of the Von Trapps and/or a plot steeped in Nazis, but trust me: my enjoyment was based on one thing, and one thing alone:
I assure you, Captain, that I can come up with a variety of things to do when you sound that whistle.
Internet, I don’t care if you are gay or straight or any shade in between, you have to admit that Christopher Plummer was hot in that movie. It’s just a damn fact. Of course, I didn’t notice this right away; I’d been watching this movie since I was very young, and I originally never thought twice about Captain Von Trapp and his mad Edelweiss skillz. But I specifically remember the year I sat down to watch The Sound of Music and got a good look at ol’ Chris in his blue uniform and suddenly was all
2. Dirty Dancing. This one is way more mainstream, as I’m confident I’m one of roughly 65 billion young women who ovulated for the very first time while watching Patrick Swayze do those things with that body. Also, this movie kept hope alive for all us green, somewhat backwards Baby-esque girls: certainly it was only a matter of time before we all caught the eye of a Johnny Castle, right?
Of course! Except no, not at all.
3. Dangerous Liaisons. Remember that friend whose mom let us rent whatever movies we wanted at the video store? Well, we pretty much just rented this one over and over and over again. It was years before I fully understood the plot, but, uh…we weren’t watching it for the plot.
We were mostly in it for the naked letter-writing.
I haven’t actually seen this one in a while, but from what I remember, it gave me some pretty conflicting feelings about liking John Malkovich’s character even though I was pretty sure I shouldn’t like John Malkovich’s character. In hindsight, this was a pattern I’d repeat well into my twenties.
I BLAME YOU AND YOUR FRILLY CRAVAT, SIR.
4. The Rocky Horror Picture Show. What do you get the drama nerd who has everything but a fully developed libido? Why, her very own VHS copy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, of course! I actually don’t even remember who first brought this movie to my attention (I think know who it was, and if that person is reading this, THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND), but it was just deviant enough to satisfy my curiosity without providing enough evidence to alert or alarm my Mom. It helped that my parents had not heard of this movie and assumed it was some sort of slasher flick.
Not so much.
5. Secretary. OK, fine: this movie came out way after my teen years. Also, I didn’t actually see it until a couple of years ago. But HOLY HELL, my friends. I mean, just because I’m in my thirties doesn’t mean I don’t have any more learning to do. I’m a scholar!
Also, see above re: unrealistic expectations. Wish I’d realized that before embarking on my illustrious administrative career. I AM DISAPPOINT.
OK, now that I’ve overshared, I expect you to do the same. Give and take, Internet! I’m curious to learn which movies made your jaw drop in the best of ways when you were an impressionable young thing. Don’t worry — I won’t hold it against you if you don’t include a 1960′s Rogers & Hammerstein movie musical, but I hope you can at least appreciate my choice.
Recognize.
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