Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden, the 51-year-old z-list actor and his 16-year-old-soon-to-be-pop-singing-sensation bride, were kicked out of a Santa Clarita Valley pumpkin patch this past weekend for behavior that was labeled as “inappropriate”.
Just go ahead and take a minute to let that sink in.
Autumn is a season for love, kids, and who are we to stop two wonderful people from expressing their feelings with each other under the eyes of God, man, and, presumably, the Great Pumpkin. We’ve all been there. Halloween’s around the corner, our home still needs the perfect pumpkin, and then we head out to the ol’ pumpkin patch dressed like this:
Coincidentally this is how my grandparents met.
Beautiful, isn’t it? In this day and age, to see two people so incredibly right for each other locked in an embrace before they are about to do something unspeakably awful with a pumpkin is a refreshing thing. Not familiar with these two? Well, Doug Hutchinson is known best for playing this guy:
Not a fan or Mr. Bojangles
And Courtney Stodden is best known as being a 16-going-on-46-year-old and for this video:
No one has ever made it past 45 seconds of this and lived…it’s like the tape from The Ring…
I know…I know. Incredibly perfect. So how do we, as a public, thank them for existing?! We kick them out of a pumpkin patch just because they were doing this:
They make Sid & Nancy look like June & Ward Cleaver
And this:
Calm down, they bought all of the pumpkins they…soiled…
Here they are having the TIME OF THEIR LIVES, but what do the fat cats at Big Pumpkin do? They kick them out of the pumpkin patch just for having a great time…and for wearing this…
A surgeon is going to be required to remove those jeans…also to un-gouge my eyes…
She is dressed for just a good old time down on the farm! Nothing weird about it. Several news reports state that families were “horrified”, “nauseated”, and “barely clinging to life” at the sight of Hutchinson and Stodden, but my sources reveal a different side of the story. I’d like to post a letter I received at MamaPop Headquarters from Nicholas Armitage, age 12, about the flagrant discrimination that took place at the pumpkin patch.
Taken the day of the incident
Dear Joe at MamaPop,
I saw the old man and the lady get kicked out of the pumpkin patch. It was sad. They were having fun and so was I. They were laughing and running and touching each other all over. The men taking pictures were having fun and my Mom wouldn’t stop screaming. I liked the lady most of all. She was nice and she laughed and fell down a lot. She smelled like the boiler room at my school but I didn’t mind. Mom said to stop staring at her, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see them go, but the mean people made her leave. Please tell everyone how awesome of a time I had. I made Dad get me two pumpkins because I know what I’m going to carve now.
Nicholas Armitage, age 12
Poor Nicholas is now serving 6 months to life in his room for his Jack O’ Boobies.
She’s trying to imply something…but I can’t…figure…out…what…
All I’m saying is that we need to start celebrating love and stop kicking it out of the pumpkin patches of our hearts. We need to bring along the paparazzi of togetherness so we can demonstrate to the world that we are desperately trying to get on the reality TV show of life. We all need to start pawing at each other in front of cameras like a pair of diseased sex offenders and stop kicking people out of pumpkin patches just for being in a shock marriage of mutual celebrity whoring…and love…mainly love. Shouldn’t that be what life is about?
CAN EVERYONE SEE MY BUTT?!
Now if you will excuse me…
{Vomits}
{Takes shower}
{Sets self on fire}
About Joe Lyons
