We teach our kids that they are beautiful. That no matter what their outsides look like, it’s what’s inside that counts, and inside everyone is a beautiful person. And all that crunchy hippie stuff. That, and as their parent, we’re genetically engineered to see our kids as precious, perfect flowers, more wonderful and special than any other child. And certainly better looking.
Everyone was someone’s beautiful baby once.
This crunchy hippie stuff helps our kids grow up to have self esteem, to look beyond other people’s outer shells, and to gauge a person’s worth using other, less superficial measures. Unfortunately, inner beauty counts for not much in Hollywood. Yes, there are many, many actors and actresses who are wonderful people. I’m assuming, I don’t actually know any. Although, I did see Vivica A. Fox at an airport once about 7 years ago, but I played it cool and didn’t ask for her autograph or anything. Mostly because it was Vivica A. Fox.
Anyway, it’s no secret that the vast majority of Hollywood is abnormally good looking. The more average-looking actors and actresses get fewer roles, are often relegated to minor parts, and rarely get the girl (or guy). Being pretty gives you an advantage. Reality is suspended in movies and regular-looking people are an irregular occurrence.
What of our children? Those average looking kids who grow up to be average looking young adults who aspire to make it big in Hollywood? Well, if they’re Paul Giamatti or Steve Buscemi, they go ahead and do just that. Roles are created for them or tweaked for them because they make their name as The Regular Guy. But if they’re not Paul or Steve, finding work might be tough. NOT THAT THAT’S RIGHT, but them’s the breaks in L.A.
For one, those roles are rarely written. And two, when they ARE written, those over-worked beautiful people steal them from right under the average-looking actors and actresses’ noses. Take one gorgeous person, add hours in the make-up chair with a team of artists and special effects masters, fat suits and glasses (glasses ALWAYS aid in making a pretty person hideous in Hollywood…*exasperated sigh*) and you’ve got yourself an Average Joe. Or Jane. Simply from an outsider’s standpoint, would it not be easier, less time consuming and less expensive to just hire a person who looks like what the character is written to look like? It’s not that beautiful people can act better or worse than average-looking people in general, so why go through all that trouble? LAZY PERSON SOLUTIONS: I HAS THEM.
But this happens all the time. And nearly every time, the actor is applauded for their efforts. ”Can you BELIEVE how well they played ‘ugly’? It must have been SO. HARD. pretending to be *gag* average. GIVE HER ALL OF THE AWARDS. ALL OF THE AWARDS FOR ENDURING ‘AVERAGE’.” Sure, sometimes, often times, it’s deserved. But others, it’s just insulting to those of us…regular folks.
Let’s take a look at beautiful people slumming it. Good, bad, and average performances, I leave all judgement aside and say simply that I’m just curious as to why these people were cast in these roles and not someone who would have required much less work.
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Leonardo Dicaprio is, undeniably, a handsome man. He’s one of those guys who never seems to age and, when he does, just gets better. The higher hair line and the smile lines do him proud. You would not, upon meeting Leo, say “Hey, you know who you look like? J. Edgar Hoover.” J. Edgar was not an exceptionally handsome man. He was average. He was fine-looking in his younger years, as far as I can tell, but he was no Leo. AND THAT’S OK. No one but Leo should be Leo. But, seeing as he wasn’t Leo, perhaps an actor who also isn’t Leo could have played J. Edgar in J. Edgar.
Some prosthetic wrinkles, and extra chin or two and brown contacts and no one will remember that I have a collection of supermodel’s panties that could fill a Zeppelin.
Charlize Theron. Also one of those undeniably beautiful people. Her features are delicate, she’s statuesque and her teeth are distractingly perfect. So for her to play Aileen Wuornos in Monster required a COMPLETE physical transformation. Not only did she endure hours in the make-up chair, but she also gained 30 pounds, purposely fried and thinned her hair, partially shaved and bleached her eyebrows, and had custom jacked-up dentures. All to make her look how most of us look first thing in the morning before coffee and a touch of foundation.
*sob* How do you people LIVE like this? Please don’t look at me.
Colin Ferrell is dark, handsome, brooding, and Irish. Yes please. Tom Cruise is…well…he’s Tom, alright. He was, once upon a time, a heartthrob before he started concentrating on being weird, and if you look at him completely superficially and objectively, he is still a good-looking gent. But, poor Hollywood. Writers keep coming up with these fat, bald characters (who also happen to be terrible people; a rant for another day) for their comedies but the casting agents can’t find one single authentically overweight, follickly-challenged actor. Good thing we have Colin (Horrible Bosses) and Tom (Tropic Thunder) to fill those extra-wide boots. Colin, Tom, a couple of skull-caps and about 100 pounds of synthetic beer belly.
“I want you to fire the fat people. They’re lazy and they’re slow and they make me sad to look at.”
“Seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.”
I remember way back in grade seven when a boy in my class declared his love for Halle Berry. At the time, I had no idea who she was, but I remembered his public confession when I did finally see who he meant, years later in The Flinstones. And, yeah. Halle’s hot. Even at 45, she’s hot. And here’s one example where Hollywood failed. In Monster Ball, Halle plays an average woman. She’s meant to be just a regular person, and so that translates into a frumpy hairstyle and no make-up. But guess what, H. Town. You can’t hide beauty like Halle’s and it certainly isn’t hindered by a lack of mascara.
“Look at meee! I look like you!” No, Halle. You do not. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
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I’m going to call this the Reverse-She’s-All-That. You remember She’s All That. The Average Girl, an outcast, nerdy/artsy girl, indicated as such by the paint-splattered overalls and glasses, is taken under the wing of a popular quarterback who makes her his project and he transforms her into a beautiful butterfly, indicated as such by the short, skin-tight prom dress and complete lack of glasses. Well, here we have the popular quarterback (Hollywood) who takes the beautiful butterfly and transforms her into an Average Girl (or boy or man or woman). But the problem with the Reverse-She’s-All-That is that there are likely hundreds of Average Girls (and boys and men and women) who are looking for work and they don’t need the popular quarterback to transform them into anything but what they already are.
We’re all beautiful on the inside. We all have beautiful bits on the outside, too. We just don’t all need thousands of dollars worth of special effects make-up and prosthesis to make us look like everyone else. Hollywood should do the math on how much money they could save in time and effort if they’d just work with what’s right there in front of them.
AVERAGE PEOPLE: UNITE!
About Jen O.
