You’ll pay for your entire chair, but you’ll only use the edge! It’s the ULTIMATE! CAGE BATTLE! EVER! No, really. Puppies vs. Babies. It’s really real and this is really happening and I am probably jumping up and down and screaming because this is absolutely THE BEST THING ON TELEVISION, EVER. It’s like when people care (really, truly care so much it’s a little creepy) about the Superbowl or the Baseball Sporting Championship Whatever it’s Called. It’s like that, but multiplied by a number you would never even believe is real.
I didn’t think this would happen. I earnestly wished my side would have their chance to totally bite the other side’s diapers and prove for all of eternity that PUPPIES are INFINITELY cuter than babies, for real, like reality-ish-television-show-statistically-accurate-real. Which is to say, if babies win (HAH), it was totally rigged from the beginning, because of course they have to be PC and cater to people who actually think those crib-rats are cute. But that’s only if the adorable-huggy-wuggy-Cerberus chases his tail into exhaustion, because there is no way in any of the seven layers of his dog house the babies will end up taking the Heavyweight Biscuit Made of Pure Gold.
FACE! I am impartial, of course.
Animal Planet describes Last Cutie Standing, the first episode of Puppies vs. Babies, thusly:
16 of the most popular and most adorable clips of animals and infants posted on the Internet battle it out to answer the question once and for all of which is truly cuter – puppies or babies (or even kittens).
Did you read that? STANDING. That’s what we in the biz call “foreshadowing,” because babies can’t stand on their own! FACE! And, speaking of, look at this face! Oh my God, this face, come here you sweet puppy NOM NOM!
Here’s how the way the Smackdown…uh…smacks down:
Round 1: View and Vote – GOING ON NOW
On this page and throughout the site Saturday, you’ll be able to enter a slideshow of puppies and a slideshow of babies. We’ll ask you to rate each photo on a scale of 1 to 10. At the end you can view an entire list of the photos sorted by highest average rating.
Round 2: The Brackets (On or around November 5)
We’ll select the 16 highest rated photos from each View and Vote and put them into two bracket game match-ups — one for babies and one for puppies. There you’ll vote for winners in four elimination rounds, eventually determining the top baby and top puppy. The parents or owners who submitted these top contenders will win $5,000.
Final Round: Crowning a Champion (On or around November 19)
The top baby and top puppy go head to head to determine once and for all, which is cuter!
Like there even needs to be a “determination” or a “choice.” Please. The Nofa King called, and he wants to tell you the WAY. *three snaps, Z-formation* The babies are going to be all whining and screaming, their toothless turnip-looking heads mottled red and Muppet-y and the puppies are going to be licking their…paws…and paying no mind because they’re graceful, adorable winners.
IN YO FACE, BABIES!!! YOU SUCK!!! Why don’t you go cry about it now, huh? Go cry and get all mad and scream and shake your tiny fists and not be housebroken, you LOSERS!
Let’s do a little rando-impromptu vote of our own, right here, right now. Which is it, readers? Who is cuter: puppies or babies?
SUCK IT, BABIES!
It’s so funny to think that people actually get super wired and competitive and all yell-y and stuff, all over a silly little competition, you know? I’ve never understood that about those sporting things. How can you feel that strongly about one over the other? It’s a little pedestrian, if you want my opinion.
Also my opinion: PUPPIES FTW!
Readers, speak! (AAHAH, I am hilarious!)
Please note: As the writer of this article, I remain neutral. It’s the classy, ethical choice.