Listen, kids, we’ve got only TEN days of prime Christmas shopping left. While this period of the holiday season seems to be especially stressful for some people, I fancy myself to be one of those intuitive types that knows just what to buy that hard-to-shop-for person. So this year, I’m here to help.
Help you shop for celebrities, that is. I present to you my 2011 Hollywood Holiday Gift Guide.
1. Lindsay Lohan – A Magic 8 Ball
This girl needs some help making the important decisions in her life, and obviously the real humans with whom she interacts are not cutting it. So maybe a plastic ball will do. Bacause, as if the downward spiraling career, prison record, hair color choices, and Playboy shoot weren’t bad enough, now the girl is vacationing IN FREAKING HAWAII?! Who is her life coach, for Pete’s sake? I bet she’s already booked a suite at The Poconos for New Year’s.
2. Taylor Swift – A jock strap for her face
Or maybe this is facial underwear? Regardless of the name of this contraption, you may already know about my concern for Taylor Swift’s health. WELL. Because I am so concerned, I did a little more research and apparently one of the symptoms of TMJ is the inability to close your mouth completely.
So instead of making fun of her, I’m going to mail her a chin strap for her birthday. Maybe even throw in a Bedazzler. Because that’s the kinda girl I am.
3. Angelina Jolie – Hoarding self-help book
I’m not here to judge, but I am not going to ignore a cry for help when I see one. The woman is hoarding children and someone should probably look into that mess.
At least try to get her to switch to cats.
4. Kim Kardashian – Pajama Jeans
Now, hear me out. This Kardashian character has had a rough year by anyone’s standards. If that “anyone” is excessively wealthy, beautiful, and well-staffed. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve noticed a direct correlation between Kim’s ridiculously uncomfortable attire and her personal crises. Pajama Jeans just may very well SAVE HER FROM A LOHAN SPIRAL.
Because you know what they say about correlation and causation, right? (No, really, do you? ‘Cuz I forget.)
5. George Clooney – Practical Joke for Stacy Keibler
Listen, we all know this poor old geezer is having trouble settling down. He dumped the lovely whats-her-face somewhat recently and immediately rebounded with a woman called Stacy Keibler. I’m not sure what she does other than have lots of naked pictures of herself on the Internet. But we also know that Mr. Clooney has some sharp wit and a vibrant sense of humor. So how better to test this love affair than to see if Ms. Keibler can laugh off a case of the Herpes!
Merry Chlamydia-mas!
6. Ryan Reynolds – My vagina
I’m not sure my husband or children would like that gift as much as Ryan, however, so maybe HE can send a gift to ME. See the above instructions, Ryan!
kthxbai.
7. Lady Gaga – FML App
Since Lady Gaga just revealed the fact that she FREQUENTLY heard her parents having sex in the next room as she was growing up, I’m guessing she may be holding onto some of that teenaged angst. Sometimes people tend to express their troubled emotions with their attire…if only she would make it that easy for us. So, in the meantime, the FML app will at least allow her to express her anger in a private (well, anonymous) and safe (umm…) environment.
8. Jennifer Lopez – eBay user guide
Did you hear that Jennifer Lopez is selling off her engagement ring from Marc Anthony? Is it just me, or is this…tacky? I mean, sure it’s a 4 million dollar ring (or something), but can’t she just give it back? Or maybe she needs the cash to save for her legal fees. And Bentleys and gym memberships for her boy candy lover.
Maybe this is a smart strategy after all. I know all about eBay, Jenny, if you need some help!
9. Alec Baldwin – a private jet
For the love of Zynga! Why does this dude not have his own damn airplane yet? Did he not get the 1%-ers Code of Conduct? Get the hell off American Airlines, buddy, and stop screwing with the flight attendants. Find yourself a dashing pilot, if you must, and play Words with Friends all the livelong flight. You can probably even masturbate while playing on your own airplane! Without getting arrested, that is!
What are you getting your favorite celebrity for Christmas?
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