It was a mere seven months ago when I threw my hands up in disgust at Hollywood executives. A movie based on a pregnancy guide? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t understand then what on EARTH would compel anyone to write a movie based on What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and I still don’t understand how that all panned out. I imagine whoever wrote the screenplay (Shauna Cross and Heather Hach, if you’re worried about details) was under pressure to write a movie and they were running out of time and ideas, so they just grabbed a book off of the coffee table and said “Here! Let’s do this!” “What the hell is that, Shauna? A pregnancy guide? Are you drunk?” “Yes, Heather, but that’s hardly the point.” And so they did. They wrote a movie based on a pregnancy guide and then the (supposedly) drunk executives said “SOLD! *hick*” And here we are. Faced with a movie based on a book written to scare first time expectant parents into regretting their decision to have unprotected sex.
It practically wrote itself.
Well, it happened. All the way from the very first drunken (allegedly) idea to put this on film, to where we are today. Faced with a trailer of the movie that was actually made. This wasn’t supposed to have happened. It was supposed to be a joke. I mean, right? Someone took this seriously? Apparently they did. A whole lot of someones, including a laundry list of actors and actresses two miles long, which screams out “SUCKY MOVIE AHOY!” It’s a classic Hollywood move. Poop out an unintentionally horrific screenplay with gag-tastic dialogue and absolutely no plot to speak of and instead of heading back to the ol’ drawing board, they spend the entire budget on the B- and C-list filled cast. And I mean FILLED. The trailers usually show nothing because the announcer voice spends the whole time listing who’s in it and he runs out of time and has to end with “and everyone else.”
This picture has been brought to you by Photoshop because skin doesn’t look like porcelain without a blur tool or two.
What To Expect When You’re Expecting: THE MOVIE stars ::fills lungs:: Elizabeth Banks (love her), Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Chase Crawford, Brooklyn Decker, Dennis Quaid, Matthew Morrison, Chris Rock (really, Chris?), Megan Mullally, Anna Kendrick, and everyone else. Based on that list alone, save for Elizabeth Banks (still love her), I’m still not sold. Maybe if Mark Walberg were one of the fathers. Maybe if there were a little less Jennifer Lopez all over the place. ALL OVER THE PLACE. Maybe if it weren’t based on a reference guide. Maybe then I’d consider watching it if it were on Netflix and there was nothing else on tv, not even reruns of Boy Meets World.
I thought watching the trailer might solidify my opinion on the whole business. I thought I would watch and I’d have a whole new set of insults to fling at the internet about how there are only terrible movies these days. No decent films, only garbage. Garbage in 3D, mostly. Oh, dear lord, I should have been knocking on wood when I typed that because now they’ll probably release this thing in 3D. Pregnant ladies bellies IN YOUR FACE.