I was never a Girl Scout. I never wanted to be a Girl Scout. I don’t know if my daughter will ever want to be a Girl Scout. But one thing’s for certain: giving her the experience of eating Thin Mints straight out of the freezer is one of the reasons I brought her into this world.
For I so loved my daughter that I gave her my last cookie.
Girl Scout cookie season is one of the balms of the long, dark winter. Starting up just long enough into January so that we’ve forgotten the gluttony of the holidays, cookie order forms begin to crop up in employee break rooms nationwide, testing the resolve of those committed to healthy eating in the new year. “I’ll just give them to my coworkers,” you foolishly rationalize upon penciling in an order for three boxes of Do-Si-Dos, knowing full well that those whore coworkers of yours won’t get a single damn greasy crumb unless they pry it from your cold, dead hand.
Also: supporting the Girl Scouts! That’s the, uh, real reason we all order. Right?
The point I’m trying to make is that the annual Girl Scout cookie sale is one of those feel-good traditions that seems immune to the rest of the crap that may be swirling around in the world at any given time. Right?
Wrong. Of course wrong.
If you haven’t met her yet, allow me to introduce you to Taylor, an eight-year Girl Scout veteran from California who has her sash in a twist about the fact that a Colorado troop recently allowed a seven-year-old transgender child to join the ranks. Taylor calls for the public to boycott the annual Girl Scout cookie sale until the organization retracts its official stance on transgendered members, which is “If a child identifies as a girl and the child’s family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout.” Citing what she believes to be safety issues (letting a post-pubescent boy share bathroom facilities and tents with girls) and stating that it’s hypocritical of GSA to promise an “all-girl experience” if someone in the room is toting a penis, Taylor appears determined to change the Girl Scouts into…something other than the Girl Scouts, frankly.
Now, I want to tread carefully here with Taylor, because she’s obviously just a kid herself, and hey, if YouTube had been around for me to broadcast all of my teenage manifestos back in the day, well, I’d probably have fled the country by now. There’s a big chance that in a few years (or sooner), when Taylor gets a couple more experience badges on her life sash (see what I did there?), she’ll feel differently about her quest to ostracize her fellow scouts if they happen to identify as a different gender than the one they were physically born into. Perhaps she’ll see that her “safety” argument is…really no argument at all, because I got news, Taylor: a boy who identifies as a girl (probably) has no interest in taking your virtue, OK? Insinuating that a transgendered Girl Scout presents some kind of sexual threat to the rest of you is a moo point.
Weak arguments and the folly of youth aside, what really, really bothers me about Taylor’s video is the ugly sentiment beneath. You can dress it up in carefully-rehearsed speeches all you want, but girl, the bottom line is that your nose is out of joint because the Girl Scouts don’t want to exclude who you want to exclude. So drop the act — you don’t want to exclude them because you’re afraid they’ll get boners in your tent or whatever, you want to exclude them because you think they’re not worthy of the same things you are, simply because you happen to belong in the body you were given. That’s ugly, sister. That’s hateful. And I think the man represented by the cross you hang around your neck would agree.
It should be noted that Taylor is affiliated with a group called HonestGirlScouts.com, on whose website you’ll find all sorts of lovely things like a handy cookie boycott flyer, which features the following:
I…don’t even know.
I don’t understand why Taylor and her cohorts at HonestGirlScouts.com don’t just quit messing with the Girl Scouts altogether and skip off into the sunset to form their OWN group. I mean, it could be similar to the Girl Scouts, but it could embrace all of the values that are clearly very important to them. They could even have their very own cookie sale with their very own custom-made cookies! I came up with a few rough ideas below:
Narrow minds love narrow mints! Let the refreshing sensation of mint soothe your fear of what you don’t understand.
You say you’re a girl? PROVE IT.
I also had a really clever take on Trefoils, everyone’s favorite shortbread treat, but I can’t seem to find it. The last time I saw it, I asked HonestGirlScouts.com to hold the box for me while I used the restroom, and then they both disappeared into thin air. Has anyone seen them?
Support your local Girl Scout troop and girls–ALL girls—everywhere, and buy a shitload of cookies this year, my friends. The decent people of the world are counting on you to shove your facehole full of Samoas.