Even though the worst of winter is right ahead of us, summer will still be here before we know it. Summer is a great time for families, what with the vacations and fun-filled activities you can all take part in together. Now I know what you’re thinking, “What if I hate my family? What if I want to punish my family for the very fact that they exist in my life and I want to make them pay for ever enjoying anything ever?” Well you, my surly friend, are in luck! In summer 2012, you can now pay to go on a luxury cruise with Kate Gosselin!
Ice-crotch!!! Right ahead!!!
Kate Gosselin, the reality star who ruined a billion haircuts, has teamed up with Royal Caribbean cruise lines for a luxury cruise on August 12th through the 19th on the ship The Allure of the Seas. This is ironic because Gosselin’s old job used to be singing on a rock in the middle of the ocean as she lured sailors to their grisly deaths.
It was her passion, but, hey, someone had to stay at home with the kids.
A bit of backstory. I have never been Kate Gosselin’s biggest fan. Long before she became a tabloid darling, my wife would watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 from time to time. The show chronicled Kate Gosselin, her then husband Jon, and their eight children (a set of twins and sextuplets) along with whatever shenanigans or free vacations they got involved with. Whenever it was on the TV, I usually had to leave the room.
Or do this.
It’s rare for a television personality to fill me with such rage, but Kate Gosselin managed to do it just fine. To me, she was an entitled, shrill, publicity-seeking, verbally and emotionally abusive beast of a woman and my reasons, footnotes, and examples for this opinion could fill a couple of blog posts. When Jon and Kate’s marriage went south, their popularity skyrocketed as she became reality television’s and the tabloid’s favorite super-villain…while Jon attained the status of Omega-Douche.
Reason #587 that we should throw Ed Hardy into an active volcano.
After a stint on Dancing with the Stars, Kate’s 15 minutes fizzled out and she now spends her days as a “celebrity” blogger for a coupon website…UNTIL NOW! The celebrity cruise she’s taking part in (along with, I’m not kidding, Shrek and Kung Fu Panda) will send her and her fans on a 7-night tour of the Caribbean all for the low, low price of about $1,900 a person. Excuse me.
The only appropriate reaction to that price tag.
“But what will $1,900 buy me,” you ask while you hold back my hair. Well along with stops in Haiti, Jamaica, and Mexico, there are a whole slew of Kate Gosselin themed events waiting for you. Let’s take a look at the event list from the cruise’s website and then attack each bullet point together, shall we?
- I’m assuming the cocktail party will be a 3-shrimp-maximum cocktail, a watered-down mimosa and then you can wave at Kate through 5 and a half feet of Plexiglas as she scowls at you.
- I bet the gift will be one of her signed “books”. “Books” is in quotes, because her literary offerings are usually either ghost written, co-written, or are just pictures of her kids with bible verses slapped next to them.
- The personal photo will be with Kate, but only during the hours that she’s contractually obligated to wear the Kung Fu Panda costume.
I bet the costume actually smells like Jack Black.
- If you were taken on this cruise unwillingly, the BBQ will probably your first and best chance to contract Legionnaire’s Disease while listening to a Kool & the Gang cover band.
- The morning brunch will be a great chance to see Kate at her most natural, as she’s complaining about how her eggs were prepared while she transforms back into human form. (I have a theory that she’s secretly a C.H.U.D. – I’ve got photos…terrible, terrible photos)
She feasts on the people foolish enough to only have one baby at a time.
- Games so fun they had to say “fun” twice! Once again, all of this literature indicates that you have shelled out $1,900 for every member of your family. At that rate, the fun fun games had better be catching $500 bills that are fired out of a t-shirt cannon.
- The charity dinner with Kate is the first event on here that’s optional?! Are they going to drag you out of your room screaming if you didn’t want to go to the BBQ?!
- Ah, the Gosselin Q&A session. Finally, an opportunity to tell her what an inspiration she is or else be tasered by a deck hand.
- Ok, so maybe the book won’t be the personalized gift (which I’m now assuming will be a headshot…blerg). Also, this event is stating that you have already purchased Kate’s book and will be bringing it with you. I hope they send out detailed instructions along with the tickets.
This is actually nicer than her usual “Forever greater than you – Kate Gosselin”.
- Does Kate have the best ideas? Does she? And is she a professional? All I know is that with that kind of buildup, they had better be the best damn God’s Eyes that have ever been created.
- I would say that during the shore excursion you should hijack the boat and find your way safely into the hands of Somali pirates, but your spirit will have already been irreparably broken at this point in the cruise.
- The farewell dinner will be your last chance to finally say something snarky about Jon Gosselin and then experience what it means to be “keelhauled”.
- Also note all of these events could be canceled if Kate doesn’t feel like doing any of them. So there’s hope.
Now, I can understand the allure of a celebrity cruise. Currently, I believe there is one available featuring the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block, but at least on a cruise like that, you’re getting a couple of concerts for your seafaring dollar. But what could a cruise with Kate Gosselin offer that is even remotely close to being worth $1,900?
Farewell and ado, to you fair annoying ladies.
So what do you think, land lovers? Would you ever go on a cruise with Kate Gosselin for any amount of money? What would you do if you were trapped on one? If not Kate, what celebrity would you most want the opportunity to be stranded at sea with?
Now I have to take my Dramamine.
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