Fans of the hit Broadway musical Les Miserables have likely started throwing themselves from high places, as teen singing sensation Taylor Swift has reportedly been offered the role of Éponine in the upcoming film adaptation of the long-running show. It has also been reported that Amanda Seyfried of HBO’s Big Love is considering the role of Cosette.
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD! If you’ve never seen the stage version of Les Miserables or read the Victor Hugo novel of the same name, you might want to avoid reading any further.
Éponine is the daughter of the Thénardiers, innkeepers and child abusers, and has one of the musical’s many famous songs, On My Own. Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen have been cast — brilliantly, in my opinion — as the Thénardiers. Swift will really be stretched with the role of Éponine, who sacrifices everything for unrequited love. Of course, Swift is no stranger to challenging roles, right?
Wow, that’s a weird tagline for a movie poster.
To be fair, Swift did have to act like Taylor Lautner was interested in her while they made out in Valentine’s Day. Oh come on! We all know what Lautner is REALLY interested in, people.
Hulkaroniphelia is a very specific fetish involving Hulk Hogan and spaghetti.
Uh oh. Now I’m erect.
Good news for you Swift haters… her character in Les Miserables is violently killed. It will look something like this.
Just pretend that AMA is a deadly pike that is protruding from a horrific exit wound.
With the addition of Swift, the cast of Les Miserables now looks like this:
Hugh Jackman: Jean Valjean
Russell Crowe: Inspector Javert
Anne Hathaway: Fantine
Helena Bonham Carter: Madame Thénardier
Sacha Baron Cohen: Monsieur Thenardier
Taylor Swift: Éponine
Amanda Seyfried: Cosette
Eddie Redmayne: Marius
And this is where I am REALLY conflicted about this movie adaptation, because I think many of these actors are phenomenal choices. Carter and Cohen will be amazing, as usual, and it will be great fun to watch Jackman and Crowe square off in these two iconic roles. Seyfried, a solid actor and talented singer, is also perfect for Cosette. Check out this performance of a song she wrote:
Fine, I admit… I have a slight crush on Amanda Seyfried that’s bested only by my crush on Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights. It’s only because I like him as an actor. I swear!
Clear eyes, full hearts… my penis just moved a little. What does that mean?
But Anne Hathaway as Fantine? Fantine, who sings I Dreamed a Dream, the most famous song of the entire show? Does Hathaway have the voice for that? Here’s Anne covering the Queen classic Somebody to Love from the Ella Enchanted soundtrack:
Not bad if you like the sound goats make when they’re being roasted alive.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone with that last caption.
Sorry, roasting goat head.
If the rumors are true, Hathway will be playing the mother of Seyfried’s character in the movie even though she’s only three years older than the Mamma Mia! star. Thanks to the magic of movies, though, Seyfried’s character will be very young and played by a child during Hathaway’s screen time. The bigger question is what everyone will say when the first photos of Hathaway as Fantine hit the Internet.
Fantine’s goggles didn’t look anything like this in the Les Mis graphic novel.
Les Miserables is being directed by Tom Hooper, whose previous credits include The King’s Speech and the amazing John Adams TV miniseries. So who knows… maybe this thing will work out OK after all. I mean, honestly, as long as they don’t cast the old Broadway guy who looks like Joe Cocker.
Hey, it’s a highbrow French joke! Goodnight, everyone!
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