‘What To Expect When You’re Expecting’ Posters Arrive

Posters of the main lady characters of What to Expect When You’re Expecting have hit the internets, and I’m still feeling remarkably unimpressed. MOSTLY BECAUSE NONE OF THEM HAVE CHUBBY ARMS.  I know this movie is getting some unexpected buzz, but I’m still not sold on What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Firstly, can we just stop talking about how it’s a movie BASED ON A HOW-TO BOOK? Because that’s just fancy-talk for Hollywood-paid-to-use-the-title. Do you really think they’re going to talk about hemorrhoids? An episiotomy? NIPPLE DISCHARGE AND DELIVERY FLATULENCE?!

Yeah, ain’t now way to make that mess funny. Because it’s not. It’s terrible and soul-crushing and humiliating and OMFG FLASHBACKS.

Ahem.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that, looking at these airbrushed mothergrabbers with pillows stuffed up their shirts is not endearing this film to me at all. And the tag lines? DON’T GET ME STARTED.

(Oops! Too late.) Let’s start with why I hate the Cameron Diaz poster:

Pregnancy = better boobs? CLEARLY, this is going to encourage teenagers everywhere to get “knocked up” so that they can get a bigger rack. It’s cheaper than plastic surgery! THEN, when those boobs disappear, they’ll all get super pissed and probably start some sort of riot, because that’s what teenagers do. They’re scary.

This would be more effective at both describing pregnancy and deterring it:

Because, SERIOUSLY.

Next, we have the lovely Elizabeth Banks, whom they’ve tried to transform into some pearl-clutching, upper middle-class socialite. Fortunately, the pregnancy breaks her.

Unfortunately, I don’t think they went far enough.

Here’s what  the poster SHOULD say:

I’m sorry. It’s true. I resent anyone wealthy enough to afford a nanny. INCLUDING A HUMBLED ELIZABETH BANKS.

And Brooklyn Decker’s poster is no better.

But here’s something more poster-worthy:

She does play a trophy wife in the movie!

And this one with Anna Kendrick? I…I don’t get it.

I can only imagine this is the loose translation:

And bringing up the rear (heh) is Jennifer Lopez, the film’s token adoptive mother.

And her tag line could not be more boring. I think she plays some sort of entertainer in this film, so perhaps it should read something like this:

And she’s holding a “pregnancy bible.” UNIRONICALLY.

The movie is released May 11, 2012, and I only hope that they feature Wendi Mclendon-Covey more than the trailer suggests. It’s our only hope.