Internet, I did something horrible and self-destructive this weekend. After a relaxing Saturday baking cookies and playing Candy Land with my young daughter, I put her to bed, drew the curtains, turned on the TV, and willingly watched Sex and The City 2 of my own volition.
Believe me — the karaoke scene is punishment enough.
I didn’t MEAN to, I swear! I was just really tired and nothing else was on and the couch was so comfy and my wine glass was so full…and the next thing I knew I was listening to Samantha saying “Lawrence of my labia!” and wanting to poke myself in the brain with a pencil in the hopes that I’d damage whatever section was retaining the memory.
Ah, there it is. I’m going to need a longer pencil.
Oh, but it gets worse. Because I’ve seen this movie before. Not in the theatres, mind you, but in snippets via HBO whenever I’m folding laundry or answering emails or hating myself. But why? Why? WHYYYY?
Well, I’ll tell you why: because I watched the show and loved the show, because the show was something worth watching and loving. The movies…not so much. But they still remind me of the show, and the awful truth is…sometimes that’s enough to merit a viewing. I’d (quite obviously) watch any movie based on a TV show I loved, no matter how terrible. And that is why I am downright pissed that Jennifer Aniston is denying me the right to do just that with a film version of Friends. In a recent interview, Aniston says making a Friends movie is “not normal. Friends is in your living room: Friends is not in a movie theater. It doesn’t make sense to me. I think it would be going against its authentic self.”
Is she right? Of course she is. BUT I STILL WANT MY CRAPPY MOVIE THAT RUINS A PERFECTLY GOOD TV SHOW, DAMMIT.
And that is why I’ve decided to come up with a few potential plot lines of my own for a Friends movie. I think Ms. Aniston will change her tune once she gets a load of these gems:
- The One Where Marcel Comes Back and Everyone Dies an Agonizing Death. Sure, there was never a whole lot of death or heavy stuff in the TV version of Friends, but that’s because it was a 30-minute sitcom! Sitcoms have to keep it light! But if you want to sell a movie, you’ve got to up your game. Audiences will be on the edge of their seats when Marcel’s touching return is marred by a tragic twist: he’s carrying an easily-communicable, flesh-eating virus AND he’s a zombie who can only be destroyed by his former owner, soft-hearted Ross. Does Ross have what it takes to lop off his beloved pet’s head for the welfare of the gang?
WE WERE ON A BREAK!
- The One Where Phoebe Pulls a Victoria Jackson. You’ve probably seen it countless times before in your own life: a fun, crazy friend decides to drop the fun and carry on with the crazy. I don’t find it too hard to believe that Phoebe would randomly pledge allegiance to the Tea Baggers and use her musical skills to create anthems of birth certificate origin and overtly racist sentiment.
Smelly cat, smelly cat…why are you such a moran?
- The One Where Emma Goes Through a Really Grim Awkward Phase. You guys remember who her dad is, right?
“Nonsense, sweetheart, you do not look like a female stand-up comedian from 1983.“
- The One Where Joey Loses His Jaw in a Horrific Accident and Can No Longer Eat Sandwiches. Fun-loving Joey never turns down a chance to woo an attractive woman, which is why he didn’t think twice about hopping on the back of a motorcycle driven by a hot redhead he met at an audition. One ill-fated high-speed highway crash later, not even Dr. Drake Ramoray can bring Joey back to his former self. It’s meals through a straw for the rest of his days for this smell-the-fart actor.
- The One Where Monica Is Institutionalized for Her Extreme OCD. Her anal-retentiveness and penchant for housecleaning was cute when she was a quirky 20-something wearing denim overalls in a lower Manhattan loft, but now that she’s a suburban mother of two burning through three bottles of Clorox per day, it’s time for Chandler to take drastic measures. He eventually manages to get Monica to the facility, but only after much negotiation and some Rophenol-laced mockolate.
Incidentally, Botox is really effective at SCRUBBING THE EMOTIONS OFF OF YOUR FACE.
So, what possible storylines do you think they could tackle in the Friends movie that is definitely going to happen DON’T YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME, ANISTON. Leave your suggestions in the comments!
About Jive Turkey
