I try to ignore Robin Thicke. Not because he’s a terrible singer/songwriter (I actually don’t think I’ve ever heard him sing; I’m sure he’s great), but because I have a real problem with a dude who is giving me sexyface and yet LOOKS JUST LIKE DOCTOR SEAVER.
STOP IT/YOU’RE MAKING MY TUMMY HURT/RIHANNA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
But the usually low-key li’l Thicke made headlines recently when he was arrested last Friday for having a joint in his car.
Good heavens, I hope they had the good sense to search his hair. There could be an entire damn brick of cocaine in there.
It’s a pretty lame crime and an even lamer arrest, if you ask me (seriously, NYPD? There were no more pressing matters to attend to than hassling The Hair and creating a celeb gossip story less interesting than a Very Special Episode of Growing Pains?), but an arrest it is, and that means one thing: Sir Robin ran away is the newest member of the Troubled Celebrity Offspring Club. He’ll now have the distinct honor of rubbing elbows with his fellow famously-spawned and criminally-charged cohorts — some with whom you are very familiar (CHARLIE SHEEN, PUT IT AWAY), and some you might not know about at all. That’s where I come in. Pull up a squad car and allow me to share with you some other celebrity offspring who may have been given every advantage by their famous parents, but who didn’t manage to get away with everything.
- CHRISTIAN BRANDO Arguably the President of the Troubled Celebrity Offspring Club, the son of Marlon Brando and Anna Kashfi survived a troubled childhood only to be convicted of manslaughter in 1990 for shooting and killing his half-sister’s boyfriend. He was released from prison in 1996, and pleaded no contest to spousal abuse in 2005. Christian died of pneumonia in 2008 at age 49. And now, apropos of nothing, here’s a picture of Christian’s gorgeous model nephew, Tuki Brando, with a watch over his eye.
Y’know, just chillin’ here with my superior gene pool and a watch over my eye. No big.
- TALLULAH BELLE WILLIS From one extreme to the other, poor ol’ Tallulah didn’t do anything but partake in some underage drinking last year at age 17. Pretty run-of-the-mill stuff for a teenager, but, of course, since her parents are Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, her screw-up makes the news. Her underage boozing is unfortunately the least of her family’s troubles these days, but I’m sure her parents were plenty pissed when it happened.
Dude. That is one intense gaze. Is Tallulah a firestarter?
- CAMERON DOUGLAS Perhaps it was a really delayed act of rebellion after his dad Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta Jones (“You’re not my REAL mom, hot lady, JEEZ!”), but Cameron was sentenced to five years in prison in 2010 after pleading guilty to drug charges, AND THEN he was sentenced for 4 1/2 more years after pleading guilty to drug possession while in prison. CAMERON. Get it together. Don’t make your dad go all Falling Down on your ass.
We can talk about the bandanna later.
- REDMOND O’NEAL The 26-year-old son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neal has been caught in a whirlwind of gun and drug charges, most recently being plopped back in jail after getting caught with meth in a rehab facility last year.
C’mon, Redmond. Get clean for your late mom’s sake, even if she was responsible for outfitting you with this rad vest back in the 90s.
- CYRUS ZACHARIA SHEPHERD-OPPENHEIM Cyrus Zacha-WHO? That’s Cybill Shepherd’s son, y’all, who was arrested in 2010 at age 22 for allegedly trying to rob his fellow passengers on a red-eye flight from San Francisco to Philly. Seriously.
He stole a camera, some cash, and a makeup bag that I have to assume contained that bitchin’ headband.
OK, so you’ve probably never heard of Cyrus, so let me provide you with another photo of the lad that isn’t his mugshot:
I think we’re done here.
- CONNOR CRUISE So Tom Cruise’s 17-year-old son hasn’t done anything illegal yet, but he’s certainly ripe for the pickin’, given his latest boneheaded antics on Twitter. Frankly, if my kid put some shit like that out on social media, I’d punish her more severely than if she got caught sneaking a beer at a party. I’m making the call now and submitting that it’s only a matter of time before our overly-entitled young friend gets a little carried away with his untouchable Hollywood status and gets nailed for underage drinking or the like.
There had better be nothing more powerful than 2% milk in that cup, young man, or so help me Xenu, you are so grounded.
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