I don’t like talking on the phone, even with people that I love and care for — email or text me, you fools! — so I’m pretty sure that I just discovered my own personal seventh circle of hell. Presenting: Dial-A-Star.com, where you can pay sex-line prices to talk with Z-listers on the phone. Oh my freaking God.
Got a burning question for Lindsay Lohan’s parents? At $25 a minute, a 30-minute call with Dina will set you back $750. I’m sure it’s worth it, though, just to hear all about how TOTALLY FINE Lindsay is doing straight from the bronzer-kissed source. Michael Lohan, on the other hand, is a bargain at only $10 a minute. Especially since he’s probably more likely to play you juicy 7-year-old voice mails and tell you that Lindsay is minutes away from dying unless she gets back in touch with him and/or sends him money.
Want to know what Octomom is up to? Now you can totally play an active, hands-on role in the ongoing neglect of her plentiful offspring by keeping her on the phone for as long as you want to! THE FUTURE IS NOW, you guys, and it only costs $12 a minute.
Other exciting people who are just waiting for your call and valid credit card include:
Kate Major, the ex-girlfriend of BOTH Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin (you’d have so much to talk about!): $10 a minute
Crystal Harris, ex-girlfriend of Hugh Hefner: $10 a minute
Danielle Staub, professional Real Housewife and pop culture cockroach: $18 a minute
Cheryl Caruso, professional mob wife: $10 a minute
Tila Tequila, professional line item on depressing lists like this one everywhere: $20 a minute
Jaimee Foxworth, of Family Matters and porn and Celebrity Rehab and aaaaah I’m all sad now: $12 a minute
There’s also a Jersey Shore reject, one of the Charlie Sheen goddesses, and a male escort. And then some ladies I would rather not Google.
Now everybody laugh through the pain that Dina Lohan has the most expensive per-minute rate on the site. She’s got very high self-esteem, I will give her that. Perhaps we can ask why it so clearly managed to skip a generation. (“You’ll have to call Michael about that one,” I imagine she’d say.)
Now everybody go back to feeling depressed and stabby, because TMZ reports that Danielle Staub has already banked at least $6,000 in calls…for about six hours of “work.”
I HATE YOU, PHONE.