Hey! Everyone! Did you know that Jessica Simpson is pregnant? I KNOW, RIGHT?
Here’s the thing. A lot of celebrities have had babies in the last few months. Beyonce, Alicia Silverstone, Hillary Duff, Kourtney Kardashian. The ladies find themselves With Child, they develop adorable little beach ball-sized tummies, and their arms stay skinny. Roughly nine months later, they check into Cedars Sinai and emerge three-to-five days later looking svelte and ready for the red carpet. Far and wide, they are congratulated for “getting their bodies back” so quickly. Also, by the same media sources, they are chastised for “being too hard on themselves” and creating “unrealistic standards” for the rest of us.
I remember when I rolled home after giving birth to my first baby. Between nursing every three hours, changing diapers every ten minutes, and bursting into tears every five seconds, all I could think about was, “HOW CAN I GET FLAT ABS?” It seemed like every time I’d hand her off to the nanny for some precious time with my personal trainer, my baby would wake up and demand to be fed again! Somewhere around day three or four, I felt like flat abs were never going to happen. But, on day six? A miracle. After a long, crunch-filled night, I woke up to find my body shrunk back to it’s pre-baby size. Gleefully, maniacally, immediately, I called my publicist and scheduled an outing.
Seriously, people. Can we stop obsessing over baby weight? Can we acknowledge that the most important part of the pregnancy/childbirth experience is the baby, and not the state of our abs or the size of our asses? Can we please let women be the size that they are? Can we let ourselves be the size that we are? Oh. We can’t? Well. Sigh.
Jessica Simpson, on the other hand, is pregnant. P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. There is absolutely no question about it. There is at least one baby in that belly. There might be a pile of babies in there. And I think she looks freaking awesome. She’s smiley and bubbly and happy. She glows. On late night talk shows, she giggles and speaks honestly about how she feels.
Look at this picture. LOOK AT IT. Look at how adorable she is! I want to braid her hair and pinch her cheeks. I can reassure her about childbirth and nursing and childcare. We’ll laugh and eat eclairs. It’ll be great.
It hurts my feelings when The Internet makes jokes about her weight. First of all, she is a pregnant human, which should exclude her from snarky body comments in the first place. Second, she is 5’3″, which means that this baby has nowhere to hide. Every time the baby gains a couple of ounces, she probably has to go out and buy new maternity clothes. Third, SHE IS AMAZING LOOK AT HER. So. Here’s what I need. I need everyone in the world to stop snickering at Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy body because she looks GREAT and ADORABLE and GORGEOUS. Deal? Deal.
Jessica, if you read this, I am immediately available for hair braiding, giggling, and baked goods.