Internet, get ready to respect Gwyneth Paltrow.
Here’s how it went down: Kate Moss and Gwyneth Paltrow were both chilling in Mexico recently, as they’d both been invited to a 60th birthday celebration for Sir Philip Green (who is that? NOT IMPORTANT, KEEP READING). Our favorite GOOPstress Gwyneth decided to go for a quick run on the beach before the party (OF COURSE SHE DID), and that’s when she crossed paths with surly old “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” Kate Moss, who was out for a walk while snacking on a bag of potato chips (I am happy to see Kate now understands that sour cream and cheddar Ruffles taste EVEN BETTER than skinny feels, but MOVING ON). As Gwyneth ran past, Kate sniffed “Oi, what you out jogging for?” And do you know how Gwyneth responded? Smug, cleanse-loving, fishmonger-having Gwyneth? Gwyneth, who is one year older than Kate?
“So I don’t look like you when I get old.”
Gwyneth was just
And Kate was just
And then Gwyneth was like
And then Kate was all
And Gwyneth was all
And I was all
As the story goes, Kate–a well-known fan of smoking, drinking, destructive relationships, and the occasional rail of blow–did not react well to being so artfully served, and after she was able to recover from her momentary stunned silence, she threw the rest of her chips at Gwyneth and shouted “Why don’t you eat some f*cking carbs?!”
The oceanfront spat was apparently the talk of the party, with Gwyneth adding some street cred to her somewhat vanilla image and Kate not doing much to help her bratty reputation. Just last week, CNN host Piers Morgan shared that Kate called him an asshole and then kicked him repeatedly on several occasions in 2010. It’s not clear why Moss hates Morgan so much, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that kicking is not a suitable reaction for anyone more than three years removed from kindergarten. Morgan was quick to share his opinion that “Kate Moss is utterly horrific… If people actually knew what she was like they would never, ever be interested in her again. …She’s just a real, spoilt little madam … a vile little creature.” OUCHIE.
Now, as privileged skinny white celebrity moms go, Kate and Gwyneth are on the top of the list, although it’s obvious (now more than ever) than they couldn’t be more different. So here’s my question for you: in a cage match, who do you like? Kate because she probably knows how to fight dirty? Or Gwyneth because she probably has supernatural strength thanks to all those flaxseed smoothies and coffee enemas? AND FURTHERMORE, who would you rather have as your parent? Kate, who would definitely take you to parties but would probably never show up at your soccer games? Or Gwyneth, who would always make sure you had healthy snacks after school but might always be painfully out of touch and say embarrassing things like, “So, Marissa, what makes you LOL?” to your friends.
Things to consider: Having Coldplay as your dad, knowing that your mom is totally boning dudes like this.
As for me, my money’s on Gwyneth. A quick tongue goes a long way with me (SHUT UP YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), and I have a whole new respect for her after this little incident. I mean, have you ever heard such a perfect comeback outside of the movies and/or shows on the CW? Damn.