Warning: This post contains language that may be considered bitter or resentful. Reader discretion is advised.
After a lunch meeting at Applebee’s to ask his father for $15,000 towards a down payment, Justin Bieber, 18, is now a proud new homeowner. Oh wait, that wasn’t Justin Bieber; that was me. Sorry, I mixed the two up. Justin Bieber was the one who bought the six-million-dollar mansion in Calabasas, one of the most expensive areas in Los Angeles. Right. And I’m the one who was up late last night crunching the numbers to see if I could afford to finish off our basement. Okay, I’ve got it straight now.
The news of Bieber’s purchase comes just hours after he released his new single Boyfriend on iTunes at midnight last night.
Apparently, the new homeowner didn’t give much thought to the song’s title while he was not writing it. As I researched this blog post, I saw these headlines: “Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend Tops the Charts” and “Justin Bieber’s New ‘Boyfriend’ is More Mature!” However, that’s neither here nor there because…
To celebrate dropping his new single, he went out and bought himself this house:
If you lived here, you'd be home
Do you have any idea how depressing it is to be sitting in your home office/daughter’s room and learn that an 18-year-old kid just bought that kind of a house? I felt like such a loser reading that the pop star has plans to remotely control the blinds and the bathtubs in his new high-tech wonderland. Meanwhile, I haven’t even taken down my Christmas lights yet.
Further plans for the house include (and I’m only typing this just as I read it) “a teenage boy’s bedroom” that will include ________. MamaPop readers, do me a favor, in the comments portion of this post, fill in that blank with things you think a teenage boy’s room might have in it. Quickly, then come back and read the rest of this post… Okay, what’d you write? A damp bath towel on the floor? A crusty pair of boxers under his bed? Maybe remnants of three-day-old mac and cheese in a bowl? Lemme ask you this, did anybody write, “the latest gaming consoles” or ”old arcade games?” No? You mean your kid doesn’t have an upright Frogger unit next to the master bathroom that’s just beyond the walk-in closet. Huh.
"I got a delivery for...Bieber."
Other stuff that Bieber’s house has on the property that Earl the Butcher’s doesn’t:
- A spacious guest house
- A garage (I actually don’t even have a driveway. It’s all curbside parking. Only house on the block like that. I don’t really wanna talk about it).
- A Fisker Karma in said garage (don’t feel bad; I had to Google it too).
- A dope pool.
“It’s encouraging to see that the Biebz has amassed as much as I have in such a short amount of time,” new neighbor, Steven Spielberg said. ”I think as time passes, we’ll see that Boyfriend really is the Schindler’s List of music,” he added. Okay, he didn’t say any of that, but I’m trying to get into Spielberg’s head here. I mean, just as he was getting over the idea that Britney Spears lived in his neighborhood… now this.
Won't you be my neighbor?
Do I sound bitter? Good, my voice translates to writing. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen Entourage and I know the kind of things that are gonna go down in that pad. Or maybe it’s because I’m thinking back to my first apartment. It was disgusting. It reeked of fried balogna and cat urine. But I made the rent every month. Later I moved into a nicer apartment that only reeked of fried bologna. All of the dumps I’ve lived in made me appreciate the house that I finally owned.
You know what doesn’t make me appreciate my house? Descriptions of Justin Bieber’s home.
Okay, readers, I’d love to get into the part where Bieber and Ashton Kutcher got into a bidding war over another house, but my in-laws are on their way over and I need to prepare for the guest house for them.
And by guest house, I mean guest room. Slash home office. Slash daughter’s room.
_____________
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