Just when we thought we’d officially moved on from the Royal Wedding to conjecture about the royal womb, here comes Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s blissful one-year anniversary knock-knock-knocking at our door. There’s no better way to celebrate one year of ‘truly the world’s truest love’ than with bizarre commemorative china! “So special!”
Not to be outdone by the previous round of royally emblazoned tchotchkes each of these limited edition Will & Kate 1st Year Anniversary Cups comes complete with platinum detailing, heartfelt (though confusing) sentiments of congratulations, and of course, a lovely portrait of beautiful Kate Middleton and her Prince,
I’m sure Prince William will be ordering ten or twelve of these right away to remind himself of all the times his younger brother gazed over with gentle mirth at their shared wife. His expression is starting to make me uncomfortable. SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN HERE WE COME, BROTHER-STYLE.
It’s unclear whether the Chinese manufacturer producing these highly… desirable… collectables had a true oops moment or if this is part of a conspiracy to drive sales. Yes I said conspiracy, about commemorative china. Apparently that’s a thing. Allegations have been made that the cup is in actuality being produced by Surrey-based British scam artists who are only pretending to be very ill-informed Chinese Royal enthusiasts in the hopes that the “error” will increase their sales. Frankly that seems like a lot more work than just making the exact same cup with the correct picture and selling it to the exact same little old ladies, but what do I know? I’m not a British scam artist pretending to be a Chinese anything. This is why I’m not rich.
The icing on the cake is that even Kate Middleton’s exclusive 1st Year Anniversary Cups won’t give her poor beleaguered lady-cave a rest. The manufacturer’s website, which is a gem in and of itself, blesses us with their rather aggressive grasp of English and their dreamy hopes for Will & Kate’s future:
“Lift this cup to their future as King & Queen as witnessed by God. May they find the strength to give the world the offspring it demands. May they find their place in historical journals.”
Poor Kate Middleton. Only a few months after I was married the questions began as to when we would “start a family,” polite society’s way of asking how much non-sinful boning you’re doing and in which positions. Now that we’ve finally got the first one up to speaking-age it’s started all over again. Normally I just roll my eyes and say, “Aunt Erma, you know I can’t make mouth-babies!” but I’m afraid the newlywed Royals don’t have much room for the jokes what with the whole extremely proper royalty thing.
Already analyzed from head to toe, Kate Middleton is living in a world entirely populated by millions of Aunt Ermas on steroids. As recently as yesterday yet another report broke of her impending motherhood (with again, absolutely no proof, but hey, maybe this time!). That kind of pressure is par for the course for the heir-apparent, but woman to woman, I have to feel for her. As if she didn’t need another reminder of her huge looming physical obligation to the empire, she can always keep one of these hot babies on her bedside table. No pressure!
In case there’s any confusion the manufacturer’s website (which includes a promotional video! I don’t want to ruin the surprise but they’re VERY EXCITED about this cup!) is very clear that their heirloom anniversary cups are not approved by or supplied to Prince William of Wales, Catherine Middleton, or any member of the Royal Family who may have also confused William for Harry once or twice in the hall. You know, one of those boy prince people. Whatever. That one. Sure. That’s him.
One beautiful cup for one beautiful year of truly the truest love.