It’s over! It’s really truly and finally over, in the most overest sense of the word. Happy dance!
And it only took 18 hours of our lives to get here.
Anyway! So how’s about that reunion? That sure was something. I mean, I assume. I turned it on and everything last night, but then I realized there was an Angry Birds Seasons update, so I was kind of only half paying attention.
Though the fact that we had tears less than 30 seconds into things was pretty awesome:
So “someone in production” overheard Sarah telling Emeril to f*#k off after Paul was announced as the winner. Tom practically floats out of his chair on his raised eyebrows when this accusation is brought up, and Sarah immediately starts crying.
She says “I don’t believe that,” then tries to shame Andy for bringing it up, because her cable provider must not get Bravo. Sarah honey? That’s kind of his whole thing.
Also: You “don’t believe that?” What? You either said it or you didn’t. Your words are not Santa Claus, or fairies. CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOUP!
Sarah continues with her sobby martyr-like denial, but then also tries to apologize to Emeril in case she said something she “forgot” about and blah blah talkyspeaks about how much she respects him. He sits there and looks grouchy. That’s apparently now his whole thing: Cranky old man with eyebrows, glowering at you from a chair.
I totally think Sarah said it, for the record. And I think the judges do too. She probably waited until she was unmiked and thought she was free to throw a little temper tantrum.
There’s an interview with Sarah on Bravo’s site where she claims people unfairly ascribe a lot of Heather’s comments and behavior to her — particularly the slights against “Asian food.”
See, people, I do know that Asia is a lot of countries. I got pulled into that whole Asian thing and I don’t think I even said “Asian” that whole time I was there. People think I’m Heather.
Somebody’s been reading recaps on the Internet! Life lesson: The next time you are tempted to defend someone and make their enemy YOUR enemy, stop and ask yourself if that person is worth defending, or if they are actually just completely vile and sort of mean and racist. Especially if you’re on television.
Speaking of Heather, she double-downed on her bitch reputation — or maybe it’s more like quadruple-downed — because she stands by everything horrible she ever said about Beverly and her work ethic and doesn’t think she owes her an apology. Even though she got a death threat on Twitter! Oh, please. Who hasn’t gotten a death threat on Twitter these days? Go hang out on Pinterest if you’re gonna be a baby about it.
Even Andy Cohen is like, “God, you’re wretched. And I’m an effing professional Real Housewife wrangler.”
Ed apologizes to Sarah for “being a dick” during the barbecue challenge when she overheated. Sarah says she apologized to Beverly already, Lindsay sits there silently and kind of shiny, but nobody apologizes to me for wasting 18 goddamn hours on this bullshit.
Montages. Blooper reels. Paul won $185,000 and a car, but only gets about 30 seconds of screen time all night. Beverly Beverly Beverly. Last Chance Kitchen: How did it make you feel? Show Mr. Andy on the doll where the stupid plot twist hurt you, then nobody bring up what’s happening over on The Biggest Loser after they tried to pull a similar stunt with eliminated contestants.
Oh, and Malibu Chris is awarded fan favorite, which isn’t much of a shock since he’s been in the lead during those “here’s how you’re voting” update things all season. I’m assuming he must have campaigned? Or something? Because I seriously cannot figure out how he pulled so far ahead of genuinely awesome chefs like Grayson and Paul. And Beverly must have gotten a lot of sympathy votes. Hell, even Keith was more memorable than Chris C., the vagueishly handsome beige area with points.
(Not that I voted for any of those other people, or at all, but I do generally expect the rest of the viewing audience to take care of this shit for me, and to do it properly.)
So on that fan favorite note, I leave you with this, which is hands-down, the funniest thing I have ever come across on Bravo’s mess of a website:
Aaaaaaaaaaand that’s all I have to say about that.
*DROPS MIC*
*THANK GOD*
*GOES BACK TO PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS*
About Amy Corbett Storch
